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Marco Rubio
  • Tweet Roundup: The RNC Vayas Con Dios

    And now, the end is here and Romney did it his way (with perhaps a few regrets). The good news is it's not the end of the trail for hilarious tweets about this year's RNC…



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    Tags: Barack Obama, Clint Eastwood, Joe Biden, Marco Rubio, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Republican National Convention, Twitter
  • Marco Rubio Might Be Replaced with Ann Romney at RNC

    Marco RubioSo, who do we have a speaking at the RNC next week, huh? Hmmmm… John Boehner, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio.

    Hmmmmm… This line up is looking… well, maybe a little exotic for an event like this. I mean, do we really need Marco Rubio if we've already got a Latin like Santorum and dark-skinned guy like Boehner?

    Couldn't he be replaced with someone who could maybe tone down all this spiciness?

    The Mitt Romney campaign is considering a dramatic scheduling change for the GOP convention to guarantee his wife, Ann, a much larger national audience – but the shift could also cause tensions with a rising GOP star and Latinos, CNN has learned.

    If Ann Romney is moved to Thursday night, she would introduce her husband and bump Sen. Marco Rubio from that role. GOP sources confirm such a move is under consideration but stress, like many other convention scheduling questions, no final decision has been made.

    Okay, that works. Mostly. But make sure she's wearing a muted color palette. Those people down in Florida don't respond well to bright colors. Makes them all Salsa-dancing-ish.

    Photo by Win McNamee-Staff/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Ann Romney, Marco Rubio, Republican National Convention
  • Romney "Event" Held at Cocaine Trafficker's "Juice Shop"

    You can't throw a banana in Miami without hitting a convicted cocaine trafficker. That's a lesson the Romney campaign learned Monday after stopping at a local fruit and vegetable stand to hand out juices to the crowd and film a political ad. Come to find out, the proprietor of the stand is a convicted cocaine trafficker. See?

    Here's the story

    The Republican presidential candidate is holding an afternoon rally at Palacio de los Jugos, which is owned by Reinaldo Bermudez, who served three years in federal prison after pleading guilty in 1999 to one count of conspiracy to distribute cocaine.

    Bermudez, AKA "El Guajiro," was a member of 12-person ring that was busted in 1997 for attempting to smuggle more than a ton of yeyo disguised as fish and soap into three South Florida ports. According to Bermudez's indictment, some of his co-conspirators had nicknames straight out of a Hollywood movie, like "Ali Baba," "Skeletor," "Buckwheat," and "Stump."

    Hollywood?! These conspirator nicknames sound more like they come out of a Disney movie! Yeyo! I'm not sure what yeyo means, so I'm just going to start saying it after I make a joke.

    Bermudez actually sounds like a nice guy who has put his past behind him. He claims the Romney camp vetted him beforehand and knew about his past. A drug smuggler has has less compunction about revealing his past than Mitt Romney does his taxes. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it, Mittens!

    So why is this story news? I called the news and asked them and their response was, and I quote, "YOLO, dawg!"

    Photo by Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: Drugs, Florida, Marco Rubio, Mitt Romney
  • Marco Rubio Saves Olympic Athletes from Un-American American Taxes

    If you thought the USA Olympic team's greatest foe was China, you're as wrong as communism. China is actually our greatest tailor. Besides, China taking our gold medals is preferable to them taking our gold reserves. The real foe is another country — USA! USA! USA!

    Athletes who win a gold medal also earn a $25,000 honorarium — and with it an $8,986 tax bill to the IRS, according to Americans for Tax Reform, which crunched the numbers. That covers both the honorarium and the tax on the value of the gold in the medal itself.

    The silver medal tax comes to $5,385, and the bronze medal tax is $3,502 — including $2 for the value of the bronze medal itself, and the $10,000 honorarium.

    That could leave amateur athletes — in many cases still teenagers — facing stiff tax bills when they return to the U.S.

    Just when all hope was lost, conservative dreamboat Marco Rubio comes to the rescue in sails made out of his own luxurious hair to achieve the impossible — making us agree with Marco Rubio on taxes…

    "Our tax code is a complicated and burdensome mess that too often punishes success, and the tax imposed on Olympic medal winners is a classic example of this madness," the Florida Republican said.

    Rubio introduced a bill on Wednesday exempting athletes from paying taxes on their wins. Kind of hard to argue against that. But can we all agree Olympic athletes should be taxed extra for any money made convincing out-of-shape Americans that eating at Subway counts as exercise?

    Photo by Adam Pretty/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Americans for Tax Reform, Marco Rubio, Olympics, Sports, Taxes
  • 5 Countries Where Americans Can Seek Refuge from Obamacare

    Prior to the Supreme Court's ruling, conservatives had an easy time making the distinction between Romneycare — a freedom-enhancing program in which Medicaid was expanded to cover more low-income people, subsidies were provided to individuals buying private insurance on a state-regulated exchange and everyone was required to purchase insurance or face a fine — and Obamacare, a socialist program of government overreach in which faceless bureaucrats would shove broccoli down the throats of God-fearing, red meat-eating Americans by expanding Medicaid, setting up insurance exchanges, and requiring everyone to buy health coverage.

    The difference was that the state-based Massachusetts program was constitutional while the federal program jack-booted unconstitutional tyranny. Now that this distinction has been obviated, conservative supporters of Mitt Romney, like Florida's Marco Rubio are proclaiming other differences…

    Romney "supported it on the state level. Which means if you didn't like it in Massachusetts, you could move to another state," Rubio said on Bloomberg Television. "What are people supposed to do? Leave the United States now because of Barack Obama’s brilliant idea to stick the IRS on millions of people?

    Why not? Yesterday on Twitter, dozens of freedom-seekers proclaimed their desire to move to Canada to seek asylum from affordable health coverage. You can see the problem.

    As a refugee of the former USSR, I'm uniquely sympathetic to the plight of those who seek to escape tyranny. Here then are some places where the government will let you die with your precious pre-existing condition in peace…

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    Tags: Health, Health Care, Marco Rubio, Somalia