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Martha's Vineyard
  • Barack Obama Gives Up Full Day of Golf in Preparation of The Great Hurricane Irene of Aught-Eleven

    Oh… my… God!

    You know, I wasn't really paying much heed to the warnings about this hurricane that's coming to supposedly wash New York City into the sea and leave the entire East Coast under thirteen feet of water.

    But I don't know, man. Shit just got real!

    President Obama will cut short his Martha's Vineyard vacation Friday night in order to get back to Washington before Hurricane Irene marches up the East Coast.

    Obama had been scheduled to leave the island retreat Saturday after a nine-day vacation. But after delivering a statement Friday morning in which he warned residents to "be prepared for the worst," he took preparations into his own hands.

    White House principal deputy press secretary Josh Earnest announced the schedule change early Friday afternoon. He said the president was making sure he stays ahead of the storm, both for personal reasons and to get back to work on hurricane preparations.

    Obama is walking away from the golf course a day early?! Jesus Christ! This storm must be a cataclysm wrapped in an Armageddon inside an Apocalypse!!! Is it 2012 yet, because this is gonna be The Big One! (I'm comin', Elizabeth! I'm comin' to join you!*)

    First the earthquake which must surely have caused untold hundreds of dollars in Hummel damage. And now this vacation-destroying hurricane? Please, Pat Robertson, tell what we did to so displease your tribal war deity. Tell us, please!

    Everybody, please be careful this weekend. And remember: If you see a hurricane, say a hurricane. Or something.


    * You probably don't get this reference. I'm aware of this.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Golf, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, Natural Disasters, Sports, Weather
  • Gripping Footage of President Obama Caught in Great Earthquake of Aught-Eleven

    Years from now, when your grandchildren ask you where you were for The Great Earthquake of Aught-Eleven, what will you say? Me? I'll say, "On my couch in Chicago, maybe kinda sorta feeling something possibly but probably not."

    As for the President? The 5.9 magnitude earthquake — that originated in Virgina and shook the East Coast causing damage to the Pentagon and the National Cathedral in Washington D.C. — found him on a Martha's Vineyard gold course where, luckily, a team of reporters were standing-by to catch the heart-racing excitement

    Okay, granted. The full drama of the moment probably wasn't apparent in that clip. But it's a lot scarier and more suspenseful if you do what I did and replay it again but while shaking your laptop. Whoa! Did you see that one tree? It looked like it might have been getting ready to fall down and crush the President. Yikes!

    And what was up with that phone call the president made afterward? That was probably some serious national security earthquake related business, don't you think? I'm almost certain of it.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Golf, Martha's Vineyard, Natural Disasters, Sports, Vacation, Virginia
  • Barack Obama Ignores Libya for Sexytime

    While Real American Patriots were busy praying for the success of our NATO-funded Libyan brethren, our heathen Kenyan dictator-for-life was on an exotic island populated by mollusk-chomping white subhumans (i.e., liberals.)

    What manner of inconceivable evil did our sloth-in-chief get up to this weekend?

    But as much as his Republican opponents would like to begrudge him a vacation, the president golfed twice, took his girls to the beach and spent an evening with his wife at the romantic Beach Plum Inn overlooking the fishing village of Menemsha. And that was all just in the first weekend.

    Obama has also found time for socializing… Obama and White House advisor Valerie Jarrett headed to the beachfront home of Comcast CEO Brian Roberts, which overlooks Vineyard Sound… President Obama and Michelle Obama headed to the home where Jarrett is staying for what a spokesman described as a dinner with friends…the president and Jarrett also ventured out for a party with about 100 people at the home of Harvard Professor Charles Ogletree in Oak Bluffs.

    If Barack Obama loves his filthy Massachusetts paradise so much, he should just get a job on a fishing boat already. While the rest of America cried over Libya and engaged in the emotional eating of fried butter, Obama usurped the sacred sport of white Republicans, shamelessly showed off his rippling biceps on the beach, partied down with Harvard nerds, and took his lady on a sex date.

    Meanwhile, the GOP solved our debt crisis, created democracy in Libya, and taught the world the true meaning of love. This weekend made it clear who should be the next President of the United States of America: everyone in the Republican Party, at once.

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Libya, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, Michelle Obama, Republicans, Vacation, Valerie Jarrett
  • From the Pork Barrel: Vacation, All I Ever Wanted to Complain About

    * Only 48% of Democrats say they're "very excited" about voting in 2012. That number would probably be even lower if the polling places didn't give out free cookies.

    * Barack Obama made history by becoming the first politician ever to take a vacation.

    * Rick Perry's mouth is full.

    * Between the people who are getting laid off and the people who can't get to work, let's go ahead and assume the employment situation is still shitty. (That's the technical policy term.)

    * This Missouri gubernatorial candidate's dealings with that stripper were perfectly innocent. He just liked to watch her dance. He's a patron of the arts, see. It isn't art if someone isn't naked.


    Photo by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Martha's Vineyard, Missouri, Pork Barrel, Rick Perry, Unemployment
  • Sorry, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney Won't Be Your Next Ted Kennedy

    It's a sad day for Massachusettsians who've been hoping Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat would be filled by someone with all the charisma of an ATM: Mitt Romney says he's busy, thanks

    "Governor Romney's focus right now is on helping other Republicans run for office, and that is how he will be spending his time," Romney aide Eric Fehrnstrom said in an e-mail to CNN.

    How noble of the Romneybot, to spend his time helping other Republicans run for office! Gee, I wonder how long he'll keep that up… until 2010? 2011? 2013? Who can hazard even the tiniest, wildest guess?

    Oh, and one other thing. Despite not wanting Kennedy's seat out of the goodness of his own heart, Romney is attending the funeral, where he will pay tribute to the man he challenged for a Senate seat in '94, back when he wasn't so generous. And — funny coincidence — just like President Obama, Romney is leaving his vacation early to join the mourners.

    But UNLIKE Barack Obama, who is insulting taxpayers with his high-falutin' Martha's Vineyard vacation, Mitt Romney is

    …cutting short his vacation in Italy to attend Kennedy‚Äôs funeral.

    Man, the conservative talk show hosts are gonna destroy this guy in 2012.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Edward Kennedy, Italy, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, Vacation