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Massachusetts
  • 7 Things You Didn't Know About Mo Cowan

    Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick will appoint his former chief of staff, William "Mo" Cowan, to temporarily fill Senator John Kerry's seat once Kerry begins his tenure as the least meme-worthy Secretary of State of all time.

    Here's .0001% of the things you didn't know about Cowan:

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    Tags: Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, Mo Cowan, Senate
  • Miss U Already: Scott Brown

    scott brown

    In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

    Name: Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA)

    Age: 53

    Terms: 1

    Leaving Congress Because: Defeated; too sexy?

    Best Known For: This, a thousand times, this. But also a tasteless joke about a curling iron and Martha Coakley's butt.

    Memorable Quote: "Each and every day that I've been a United States senator, I've been either discussing issues, meeting on issues, and secret meetings with kings and queens and prime ministers and business leaders and military leaders."

    Greatest Accomplishment: Teaching us that the tomahawk chop is even more offensive outside a baseball stadium than inside one.

    Why We'll Miss Him: Who else is going to pose for tasteful full-frontals on the Senate floor?

    What He's Doing Next: Whispering "John Kerry for Secretary of State" into a severed pig ear, burying the pig ear, digging up the pig ear as soon as he sees a shooting star, then stringing the pig ear around a pigeon's neck. Wherever the pigeon lands, Brown will call the White House from his cellphone, saying "John Kerry" over and over again until President Obama hangs up. He will do this every day.

    What the Future Holds for Him: Riding his pickup truck through the doors of his new Senate home when he takes over for Secretary of State Kerry. Realizes there is no such thing as a Senate home (when they're in D.C. they live in apartments, where they can do whatever without their wives knowing). Backs up slowly, and returns to one of his six houses.

    Previously
    Miss U Already: Ron Paul

    Photo by Suzanne Kreiter/Boston Globe/Getty Images


    Tags: John Kerry, Massachusetts, Republicans, Scott Brown, Senate
  • 13 Things Americans Banned in 2012

    We live in the land of the free, which means we're free to ban just about anything we don't like. In 2012 Americans dropped the ban hammer on public nuisances from goose livers to "gateway sexual activity."

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    Tags: Advertising, Alcohol, California, Colorado, Fashion, Food, Health, Health Care, Los Angeles, Massachusetts, New York City, San Francisco, Sex, Television, Utah
  • Staffers "Tomahawk Chop" Scott Brown to Certain Victory

    It's been an incredibly tough battle between Sen. Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren. One day the Senator is ahead in the polls and the next Warren takes the lead. Back and forth, back and forth. It's maddening! Brown's team needs to find something that will break the stalemate and convince the average Massachusetts voter that Scott Brown is the candidate for him or her.

    Oh, I know! Gleeful public racism!

    Yes, that's Sen. Scott Brown's staff members making respectful Indian "war whoops" and traditional "tomahawk chops" in the middle of a Brown rally the other day

    "It is certainly something that I don't condone," said Brown when asked about the video. "The real offense is that (Warren) said she was white and then checked the box saying she is Native American, and then she changed her profile in the law directory once she made her tenure."

    That is certainly an offense. I'm not sure it is the real offense. I'm not claiming to be Native American, but I'd be willing to bet that some people who truly are Native American might find a different aspect of this story to be the real offense.


    Tags: Elizabeth Warren, Massachusetts, Racism, Scott Brown, Senate
  • 9 Ways in Which Mitt Romney Is John Kerry

    As mentioned earlier, the Democratic Party seems intent on turning Mitt Romney in John Kerry in the run-up to the big election in November. But how much work will that actually take? According to my estimates, not very much at all. In fact, i a lot of ways, they're already the same person…

    1. They were both for things before they were against them.
    For Kerry, it was the war in Iraq. For Romney, it's pretty much everything else.

    2. They'll both be spending a lot of time this fall debating Barack Obama.
    Mitt Romney is sooo the new John Kerry, that the Democrats are actually getting the old new John Kerry (a.k.a. John Kerry) to stand in for Mitt Romney in Obama's practice debates.

    3. They are both wealthier than you can even wrap your head around.
    Between him and his wife, the Kerrys are probably worth more than $750 million. However, without any money from his wife, Mitt Romney is estimated to be worth around $250 million, making him the third richest person to ever even try to be president.

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    Tags: John Kerry, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney