Rick Santorum Will Protect America from Satan

After his triple primary win two weeks ago, Santorum is finally achieving mainstream appeal. But in order to retain the support of moderate Republicans, he has to fight the image of being a medieval religious zealot.

Conservative blogger and avowed Romney supporter Matt Drudge isn't making things easier for the candidate. Today the Drudge Report featured quotes from Rick Santorum's nutty sermon to students at Ave Maria University in 2008…

"Satan has his sights on the United States of America!" Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has declared.

"Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition"…

"This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?… He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions."

Hmm. Looks like that list of crazy Santorum quotes might need a bit of an update.

There's been a lot of speculation about why Rick Santorum always wears thick sweater vests. I guess they just help him ward off the Devil.

Photo by T.J. Kirkpatrick/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Catholic Church, Christianity, Drudge Report, Matt Drudge, Primaries, Religion, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Satan

How the President Almost Stole Christmas

We're living in tough times. American families are scraping and struggling to make ends meet just to save up enough money to buy end's meat. In recognition of the terrible economy, President Obama has promised not to raise taxes on middle- and low-income Americans.

But he never said anything about Christmas trees…

Starting today, the government is imposing a 15-cent fee on most fresh-cut Christmas trees, but before critics compare President Obama to the Grinch, officials want to explain this is a growers' arrangement to boost tree sales. And they insist it is not a "tax"…

The money all goes to a marketing board being set up for the tree growers' industry, just like the "Got Milk" dairy marketing campaign… which boosted sales and consumption.

It's not even Thanksgiving and President Obama has already ruined Christmas—with taxes. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for the heroes at Fox News and the Drudge Report…

The well-trafficked Drudge Report is leading with the story, linking to a blog by David Addington… assailing the president thus: "The economy is barely growing and nine percent of the American people have no jobs. Is a new tax on Christmas trees the best President Obama can do?"…

White House spokesman Matt Lehrich told ABC News that despite some media coverage, "I can tell you unequivocally that the Obama Administration is not taxing Christmas trees"… Nonetheless, the criticisms have apparently had an impact as the program is now being delayed.

Oh my God — the War on Christmas is real! Who knows what else might be true. Maybe ACORN really did cause the recession, Al Gore is secretly warming the globe and the President is just George Soros in a Barack Obama mask.

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Christmas, Drudge Report, Economy, Environment, Fox, Matt Drudge, Taxes

Quote Unquote: A Vastly Better World

Washington Post columnist Dave Weigel states, what is to my mind, a pretty unambiguous truth (from a leaked off-the-record list-serv email)…

"This would be a vastly better world to live in if Matt Drudge decided to handle his emotional problems more responsibly, and set himself on fire."

He later apologized. I'm looking forward to the apology for the apology.

Tags: Drudge Report, Matt Drudge, Quote Unquote, Washington Post

Barack Obama Loses Olympic Bid, Re-election, Life

Do you not care at all about where the Olympics are being held eight years from now? Well, join the not caring club.

Except, don't join that club! Because it turns out that the fact that the Olympics aren't going to be held in Chicago means that Barack Obama has lost his re-election bid in 2012 and also that the world has decided to impeach him from the world…

Give up, everybody else on the Internet. You will never beat Matt Drudge.

Tags: Barack Obama, Chicago, Drudge Report, Illinois, Matt Drudge, Olympics

From the Pork Barrel: Lightning and Thunder

Here's a new feature I'm gonna start doing on most days. Really just a list of some interesting articles or websites that we didn't have time to hit.

* Apparently, "Barack" and "Rahm" mean lightning and thunder in Hebrew. And, interestingly enough, congresspeople will be able to know how serious a situation is by counting the seconds between when Obama says something and Emanuel comes around to break their arms.

* Do not misunderestimate Rahm Emanuel's vocal eloquence.

* Did you know? Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.

* Matt Drudge, like your finer forms of fungus, will just never go away completely.

* Mormons thrilled they get to tell other people their marriages are fucked up.

Tags: Barack Obama, Chuck Norris, Matt Drudge, Mormon, Pork Barrel, Proposition 8, Rahm Emanuel