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Max Baucus
  • The Onion: Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

    It's inspiring to see a kid taking such a principled stand. This is America. Nobody should be forced to better themselves…

    See also: Senator Baucus Shows Rest of Congress Where He Found the Dead Body

    Tags: Education, Grammar, House of Representatives, Max Baucus, Senate, The Onion
  • Tom Coburn and Max Baucus In "Mind Control Hijinks!"

    Those of you who don't watch Tom Coburn's YouTube channel on the regular may have missed yesterday's clip, in which the Senator from Oklahoma tells Max Baucus about a very special resolution he wants to pass by unanimous consent. Fret not! I've turned my recapping hat on…

    TOM COBURN (R-OK): For my next dickish move, I want to delay voting until Max Baucus can guarantee that every single member of the Senate has read the health care bill and understands it and can maybe recite parts of it from memory. I'm not trying to stall, here, it's just that nobody except Rahm Emanuel knows what this bill even says. It's on the internet, but only in .pdf format, so that doesn't count.

    MAX BAUCUS (D-MT): Can I say something?


    MAX BAUCUS: Look, Tom, of course we should read the bill, but I don't have the ability to control people's brains or guarantee their levels of understanding, even if they've read the entire thing backwards and forwards. How exactly would that work? You want me to hand out a reading comprehension test? Multiple choice questions?

    TOM COBURN [!Direct quote alert!]: "I'm saying that Tom Coburn tell his constituency, I've read this puppy, I've spent the time on it, I've read the manager's amendment, and I in fact certify to the people of Oklahoma I know how terrible it's gonna be for their health care."

    MAX BAUCUS: If that is what you'd like to tell your constituents, you're more than welcome.

    TOM COBURN: Tom Coburn hates this puppy. Tom Coburn wants you to guarantee that everyone knows how terrible this puppy is.

    MAX BAUCUS: I cannot guarantee that anyone knows anything. You are proving this point, actively, right now.

    (TOM COBURN punches SNOOKI in the face.)

    The End.

    Tags: Health Care, Max Baucus, Oklahoma, Puppies!, Senate, Tom Coburn
  • Max Baucus Gave His Girlfriend the Sexiest Gift of All: Taxpayer Dollars

    max-baucus-hands-vertLast week we learned that once upon a time Max Baucus nominated his ladyfriend, Melodee [sic] Hanes, for a U.S. attorney job in his home state of Montana. Ooooh, scandalous-ish. Except Hanes withdrew from consideration after realizing that the setup was inappropriate, so she didn't get the job, the end.

    Except it's not the end. Today those four magic words scrolled through the ol' feed reader: more details have emerged

    Sen. Max Baucus (D-Mont.), chairman of the powerful Senate Finance Committee, gave a nearly $14,000 pay raise to [Hanes, then his staffer] in 2008, at the time he was becoming romantically involved with her, and later that year took her on a taxpayer-funded trip to Southeast Asia and the Middle East, though foreign policy was not her specialty.

    Okay, $14k for having to date Max Baucus, that sounds fair enough.

    Tags: Corruption, Max Baucus, Money, Senate, Sex
  • Health Care Reform Passes Senate Finance Only Mostly Neutered

    Has anyone been following this whole health care reform issue? Probably not, because it's very boring and non-polarizing. But, just in case you're one of the dozen or so Americans with an incredibly-strong-albeit-under-informed opinion on the matter, the Senate Finance Committee just passed a draft of a bill

    Healthcare reform took a giant step closer to passage Tuesday, as the Senate Finance Committee passed its version of the legislation on a 14-9 vote.

    Yes, the draft is more conservative than the legislation passed by four other committees in the House and Senate. No, there's no public option in the Finance version. Yes, there's still quite a lot of work to do. But every committee with jurisdiction over the issue has now voted on — and passed — reform legislation, something no previous reform proposal ever achieved.

    How do you say "I guess it's better than nothing," in Uninsuredese?

    Democrats sounded energized and ready to move forward. "Let's put an end to the status quo," Finance Committee chairman Max Baucus, a Montana Democrat, said just before the vote.

    While you're looking up that other phrase, can you also please check on how to say "Fuck you, Max Baucus," in Fuckyoumaxbaucusese?

    Tags: Health Care, Max Baucus, Senate
  • Scoring the Baucus Health Care Bill: $829! 94! $81! Big Fat 0!

    max-baucus-senate-roomYesterday the human (?) calculators at the Congressional Budget Office finished scoring Max Baucus's health care bill, and the results are… numbers, mostly:

    * Total cost over 10 years: $829 billion
    * Impact on deficit: Reduces it, as in makes it go down, by $81 billion over the next decade
    * Americans with coverage: Would go up to 94% from 83% right now
    * Illegals??!??!!: There will still be 25 million uninsured people by 2019, and rest assured, at least a third of those will be illegals.

    Hmm, sounds good. Luckily, there are still plenty of reasons to hate Max Baucus's bill, like the fact that he subbed "insurance co-ops" for the oogy-boogy "public option," and the budget office reports that these "co-ops" won't make a smidgen of difference in many parts of the country.

    Oh, and did I mention the secret bill written in invisible ink using a secret version of pig Latin?

    Republicans, who are overwhelmingly opposed to the legislation, minimized the significance of the cost analysis. They suggested that the "real" bill would be written secretly by Democratic leaders as they combine the Finance Committee measure with a version approved by the Senate health committee in July.

    To say nothing of the secret clubhouse where the Democrats hang out with all the cool "real" bills, and the secret "real" Constitution, and a perfect life-size replica of the White House. It's awesome. Too bad the Republicans have never, ever set foot in secret real bill headquarters, but they don't know the password ("123456").

    Tags: Democrats, Health Care, Max Baucus, Republicans