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Can Bloomberg please not call 9-1-1 "nine eleven"?

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) October 30, 2012

Mayor Bloomberg's War on Vibrators

Who elected Michael Bloomberg Mayor of What We Put Inside Our Bodies? Nobody. That's who. If you're not free to mainline sugar water then what good is freedom? If democracy means you have to play hide-and-seek with fake teat milk, then democracy can suck it! And now the good people of NYC can't even stand in line to get a free Trojan vibrator! What's next?! I'll tell you what. Communism.

This is just what Marx predicted. An end to the free market…

City officials pulled the plug on a vibrator giveaway by the Trojan condom company yesterday, disappointing potentially thousands of pleasure-seeking women who hoped to get their hands on some no-cost sex toys.

"I’m 57 years old. I should be able to get a vibrator!" declared Linda Postell, who was among hundreds of women (and men!) waiting in the heat on Pearl Street only to be left unsatisfied. "I have a problem with the smoking ban, and the soda ban — and now this!"

What kind of monster would deny a 57-year-old woman a vibrator? For shame! This is just another example of the nanny state trying to hold us down and spank us on the behind because we've been very, very bad and need to be punished. Bloomberg better be careful or else roving gangs of sexually frustrated women are going to fill his streets even more than they already do.

What's that? Oh. It was just a permit issue. The vibrator giveaway is back on. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. And God bless Mayor Bloomberg.

Photo by Rubenstein/Wikimedia Commons

Mayor Bloomberg Wants to Hide Baby Formula from New Mothers

First they came for our table salt, and I didn't speak out because I'm really more of a pepper guy.

Then they came for our novelty-sized soft drinks, and I didn't speak out because I've been trying to limit myself to seltzer water, or maybe iced tea once in a while, because, to be honest, I've been getting a little round around the middle if you know what I mean.

Then they came for our baby formula, and I didn't speak out because– Wait a second. Baby formula? That's not for real, is it?

Mayor Bloomberg is pushing hospitals to hide their baby formula behind locked doors so more new mothers will breast-feed…

Under Latch On NYC, new mothers who want formula won’t be denied it, but hospitals will keep infant formula in out-of-the-way secure storerooms or in locked boxes like those used to dispense and track medications.

With each bottle a mother requests and receives, she'll also get a talking-to. Staffers will explain why she should offer the breast instead.

I've been wrong in my predictions before, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is going to go over incredibly well.

I've had the good fortune of meeting a few new mothers in my time, and if there's one way I would describe all of them, it would be as immensely open to lectures from complete strangers on how best to care for their children. New mothers love talking-tos! They love 'em! They'll take any advice they can get from absolutely anyone.

So, if you see a new mother on the street, just walk up to her and start telling her how wrong she is in how she's raising for her baby. She'll thank you. Take my word for it.

Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images

WINNER Caption Challenge: Michael Bloomberg and Some Hotdogs

Submitted by Andy DeLancey.

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YOU DECIDE Caption Challenge: Michael Bloomberg and Some Hotdogs

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