Latest Posts

Michael Bloomberg
  • Stephen Colbert on the Removal of the Occupy Wall Street Protesters

    Don't the police know that beating and clubbing and dragging and injuring these protesters is just giving them the attention they crave?

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.


    Tags: Michael Bloomberg, New York City, Occupy Wall Street, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • Police Evict 'Occupy' Protesters from Zuccotti Park

    Do you ever feel a sudden and unbearable urge to clean, to get off your couch and scrub the floors, empty the garbage, wash the dishes, and…punch some hippies? Do you ever get this feeling at 1 in the morning? If so, you might have a case of OCD, or you might be Mayor Bloomberg, faced with intransigent protesters camped out in a park… 

    Police brought the two-month-old Occupy Wall Street encampment in Zuccotti Park to an abrupt end early Tuesday morning, as hundreds of officers swept in and cleared out protesters and their tents.

    They arrested 70 protesters who refused to leave and sent others into the surrounding streets, setting off clashes and marches throughout Lower Manhattan…

    The New York City Police Department made its move shortly after 1 a.m., when hundreds of officers in riot gear surrounded the small, privately owned plaza. They turned on large batteries of lights. Some used bullhorns to warn those sleeping there that the area was being temporarily evacuated so it could be cleaned and cleared of illegal structures.

    Hey guys, did you hear the one about a local government actually cleaning a park? …That's pretty much the joke.

    Certainly, when I do my Fall cleaning in the middle of the night, the first thing I do is ensure no one is watching, before throwing away all my family's books. But for the serious right to assembly-mongers among us, a judge issued a temporary restraining order against the city, which may allow protesters to return to Zuccotti with tents, books and bongo drums in hand.

    Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Michael Bloomberg, New York City, Occupy Wall Street, Protesters
  • Officials Warn of Terrorist Threat for Old Times' Sake

    You know, you just generally don't peg fundamentalist agents of terror as the sentimental types.

    So, I was a little shocked when government counterterrorism officials sent out a warning for a possible maybe car bomb attack by al Qaeda in either New York City or Washington D.C. to commemorate the 10th anniversary of 9/11 this upcoming weekend.

    Really, they could have just sent a card

    In a statement, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security, Matt Chandler, called the threat "specific, credible, but unconfirmed." Another official said American intelligence agencies were urgently pursuing leads overseas in an effort to gauge the seriousness of the threat…

    The mayor noted that the threat information had not been corroborated and warned against an overreaction. He declined to speak about the nature of the threat report.

    "The best thing we can do to fight terror is to not let it intimidate us," Mr. Bloomberg said, adding that he planned to take the subway in the morning as usual. "I can tell you our ceremonies will go on over the weekend exactly as they were planned," the mayor said, referring to the memorial events for the 10th anniversary.

    Okay. Okay. So, the mayor of New York City wants us all to stay calm and go about our business. Stay calm because of what? Does this mean he knows something? Maybe we should start freaking out now, just to be on the safe side.

    And to beat the weekend freaking-out traffic.

     


    Tags: 9/11, al Qaeda, Michael Bloomberg, New York City, Terrorism, Washington DC
  • Gay Menace Takes Over New York

    Now that the homosexuals have their gay marriage in the formerly-great State of New York, everything is falling to pieces. Dirty, nasty, sinful pieces. By way of evidence, we present this horrific man-couple.Their evil union of condemned butts shall be officiated by none other than Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City.

    Make certain your children's eyes are turned away from your computing-screen, lest they go blind from the unspeakable filth we are about to unleash before you

    Mr. Mintz, 47, and Mr. Feinblatt, 60, met 14 years ago on a blind date that began, perhaps inauspiciously, with a tour of a Midtown court for quality of life crimes that Mr. Feinblatt founded, and ended, rather romantically, with a walk through Central Park and a drink at the Royalton Hotel.

    "It was a classic first date," Mr. Mintz said.

    Not long after, Mr. Mintz relocated from Rhode Island to New York City, the couple bought a house in the West Village, and, with the help of a surrogate, fathered two children: Maeve, now 8, and Georgia, 6.

    They both took jobs in the Bloomberg administration. Mr. Feinblatt became the city's criminal justice coordinator, leading a nationwide campaign to rid city streets of illegal guns. Mr. Mintz took the helm of the city's consumer arm, battling fraud and counseling the poorest New Yorkers on how to achieve financial independence.

    A first date worthy of an adorable 1950s rom com? Home ownership? Fatherhood? Monogamy? Crime-fighting? WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE MONSTERS?! This is what happens when deviants are treated like human beings.

    Somewhere, Michele Bachmann is crying huge tears out of her ginormous, unblinking eyes.


    Tags: LGBT, Marriage Equality, Michael Bloomberg, New York City