Between tomorrow and Tuesday, America must endure four consecutive days without a televised executive branch debate. But before you desperately resort to reading or exercise to pass the hours, why not take in a movie at your local cineplex?
The right-wing readership of this blog (assuming he logs in today), might want to patronize "An American Carol," the new pro-war right-wing comedy from one of the guys who brought you The Naked Gun.
"An American Carol" features almost every prominent conservative in Hollywood, including…
* Chris Farley’s thinner, less funny younger brother.
* Gary Coleman as a slave.
* Kelsey Grammar being dickish for a change.
* Dennis Hopper confusing everyone who saw him in "Easy Rider."
* Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly as himself!!
The film's main goal is to denigrate Michael Moore (totally redundant if you've ever seen "Canadian Bacon"), and to advocate war as a fine solution to life’s problems.
Those who are of the Moore persuasion themselves should skip "An American Carol" and instead see "Religulous," a new documentary from Bill Maher and Larry Charles that critically profiles world religious beliefs, from Christianity to Judaism to Mormonism to Scientology.
No word as of press time what "Religulous" has to say about creationist, tongue-speaking, "witchcraft-free" Holy War crusaders who want to "pray away the gay," which is all the more reason you should be watching the VP debate tonight.
Tags: Bill Maher, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Moore
Fans of Bill O'Reilly were recently given good cause to stop throwing feces at the wall of their cages and enjoy a much-needed laugh: a preview of the new conservative comedy film, An American Carol.
I'll let Videogum's Gabriel Delahaye set this one up…
Yikes. The movie was written and directed by David Zucker, who gave the world Airplane! and the Naked Gun series. He's like an American treasure, but whatever the opposite of treasure is. It's too bad 14-year-olds can't vote, because then this movie would be a really powerful political tool.
Was Gabe actually besmirching Airplane! and The Naked Gun? Whatever. Either way, this preview really shows how far this particular Zucker brother has fallen…
My favorite part of the preview — the only part that actually made me laugh — was when they cut to the country singer shitkicker guy singing the ridiculously patriotic love ballad to America in that huge pyrotechnic arena. I thought, "Wow, are they actually making fun of themselves a little?"
And then I realized that was the one part of the preview that wasn't intended as parody.
After the jump, the CC Insider's Matthew Tobey and I debate whether this is the worst-looking movie of all time or just one of the worst-looking movies of all time. Feel free to throw in your two cents…
Matt: That American Carol trailer is the most mind-blowing thing you'll see all day.
Dennis: It actually doesn't look nearly as bad as I thought it would.
Dennis: But I was thinking pretty bad.
Matt: Really? Wow.
Matt: Your expectations are impressively low.
Matt: I don't think mine go that low.
Dennis: I mean, it doesn't look "funny."
Dennis: But it holds together as a thing, and I wasn't counting on that.
Dennis: I was thinking bad along the lines of 'Epic Movie' or '1/2 Hour News Hour.'
Matt: I actually think it looks worse than Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans and all those things.
Dennis: Really? No!
Dennis: Those are the lowest.
Matt: Because the humor is on par, but the politics are so fucking ham-fisted.
Matt: This looks like a cross between Postal and Dracula: Dead and Loving It.
Matt: This is worse than anything. You are wrong.
Matt: This movie is mankind's greatest atrocity.
Dennis: Is that your pull quote?
Matt: It's my suicide note.
Matt: I'm just glad Anne Frank isn't alive to see it, because she'd be like, "Fuck it. I give up. We're not all basically good after all."
After that, I conceded defeat.
Tags: Bill O'Reilly, Matt Tobey, Michael Moore
Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!
The Pages will be watching with 'bated breath tonight as the returns come in from Montana and South Dakota! These are the last states to vote in the Democratic primary season, and the nomination will most likely be sealed tonight.
In Montana, Senator Barack Obama is heavily favored to win the crucial Crow Indian vote, riding high as the newest member of the Whistling Water Clan. This, in addition to his strength in the inner-city urban core of Billings, should put him in a strong position to defeat Senator Hillary Clinton.
Meanwhile, Clinton has her sights set on an upset in South Dakota, where Obama has been stung by his own admission that his ears may not fit on Mount Rushmore.
Scenario One: Obama beats Clinton handily in both states. Clinton delivers a concession speech, and gracefully bows out of the race. On Wednesday, she and Obama appear together at a Democratic Unity rally and she offers him her endorsement.
Scenario Two: Obama beats Clinton narrowly in both states. Clinton refuses to deliver any speech at all, but sends word of her exit from the race through surrogates. On Wednesday, she and Obama meet for coffee at a Washington, DC Starbucks and exchange strained pleasantries for 12 minutes until Obama announces that he had fun, but he really has to get going now.
Scenario Three: Obama wins Montana and Clinton wins South Dakota. Obama calls for Clinton to exit the race, citing the need for the Democrats to focus on beating John McCain. Clinton schedules rallies in Ohio and Florida and begins interviewing running mates.
Scenario Four: Clinton wins Montana and Obama wins South Dakota. Same scenario as above, except Sean Hannity loses a bet and has to eat his first-born child.
Scenario Five: Clinton beats Obama in both states. All the remaining uncommitted superdelegates immediately announce their support for Clinton, throwing the outcome of the primary contest into doubt. The result is a brokered Democratic convention in Denver, where confused delegates end up nominating the late Hubert Humphrey for the presidency and Michael Moore as his running mate.
Tags: Barack Obama, Congressional Confidential, Hillary Clinton, Hubert Humphrey, Michael Moore, Montana, Mount Rushmore, Sean Hannity, South Dakota