Remember the midterm elections? They were, like, 85 years ago and resulted in John Boehner being crowned king of the Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, I guess the fine people of Minnesota (you know, the brilliant folks who brought you Rep. Michele Bachmann, again?) had so much fun with their gubernatorial electioning that they just decided to keep it going through the second week in December.
But all that is over now, for the handsome, aging lumberjack-esque loser has at long last conceded to the handsome, aging lumberjack-esque winner!
The Minnesota gubernatorial recount, has now come to an end, with Republican state Rep. Tom Emmer conceding defeat to Democratic former U.S. Sen. Mark Dayton — bringing this story to a much quicker end than the long and drawn out Senate race from 2008, which lasted for eight months of recounts and litigation with a much, much closer margin.
If you are one of the many, many humans who did not give a fig about the Minnesota gubernatorial race, here are a few fun facts about the man Minnesotans won't get to kick around anymore (until he runs for something again)…
* Tom Emmer wanted to loosen the state's laws on punishing new drunk-driving suspects. He deeply empathizes with the plight of Minnesota's shitfaced drivers, because he has two DWI convictions of his own. Tom Emmer is therefore truly a Man of the (Drunk) People.
* Somebody once threw a bag of pennies at him at a town hall meeting with waiters. Also, he held a town hall meeting with waiters.
* Emmer loves nullification, or the process by which a state may render null and void a federal law within its own borders. He wanted to nullificationize healthcare reform and pretty much every other federal law he thought was gross.
So long, farewell, and see ya next election cycle, Rep. Tom Emmer. You are almost as tasty as a giant plate of lutefisk, and quite nearly as odiforous.
Tags: Election Day, Midterms, Minnesota
Congratulations, billionaires! Looks like you'll be able to buy that new Caribbean island for your mistress after all!
The White House signaled Wednesday that President Barack Obama is ready to cut a deal on the Bush-era tax cuts — accepting a temporary extension of the cuts for the wealthiest Americans to win renewal of tax breaks for middle-class taxpayers…
But Obama’s top political adviser, David Axelrod, said Wednesday that the White House has to deal with "the world of what it takes to get this done" — a signal to Democrats that they don’t have the votes to kill the high-end tax cuts in the face of a new Republican House majority and resistance from Democratic moderates in the Senate.
"We have to deal with the world as we find it," Axelrod told the Huffington Post.
Man, this administration's catchphrases have gotten steadily less inspiring since 2008, haven't they? "We have to deal with the world as we find it!" sure is gonna be a tough chant to get started at the Democratic Convention in '12. Maybe, by then, they'll just change it to something simpler, like, "Eh, whatever…" or "What else are we gonna do?"
But, you know what, this isn't just Obama's failure. It's also the Tea Party's victory. Those common everyday good American people can really feel a sense of pride when they see a private jet flying way up in the sky over their heads. They can think, "It was my hard work that helped that guy get that jet I'm really making a difference."
Tags: Barack Obama, David Axelrod, Economy, Midterms, Money, Taxes, Tea Party
Good day, patriots! 'Tis I, Sara Benincasa, your Comedy Central Indecision Delegate, here to further enlighten you with important facts about the fabulous government of our great nation. Today we turn our insightful gaze on the Supreme Court. I'm awash in that legendary post-midterm elections glow, as are you. But we must focus! FOCUS! On the Supreme Court!
"Oh, yes!" you are probably saying. "The Supreme Court. Which of the Supreme Courtesans were up for reelection this year? And is it true that Rand Paul ran for Chief Justice?" These are all reasonable and intelligent questions, and I applaud you for asking them. However, it is my duty to burst your shiny bubble and inform you that, alas, Supreme Court justices are appointed rather than elected.
"Appointed?" you scoff. "I don't recall being asked for my opinion on Alito or Scalia or those two ladies or the other guys."
Well, gentle reader, that is because you are not actually the person who appoints Supreme Court justices. I know it seems unfair, and I do encourage you to send a letter to your congressman complaining about this injustice. But the fact is, he can't do much about it, either. That's because the power to appoint Supreme Court justices rests mostly with the President. Howevsies, the Senate does get to weigh in, and bitchy senators have worked their butts off in the past to successfully block certain nominations. This is because every U.S. Senator is, at heart, a nasty sorority girl.
The Supreme Court consists of nine humans: eight associate justices and one Chief Justice. Right now, the Chief Justice is John G. Roberts, Jr. (he's the one who got all confused with Barack Obama at the swearing-in ceremony, prompting a do-over.) They all decide important stuff, like whether pooping on the flag is constitutional, or something.
Alrighty-roo, that's really all you need to know about the Supreme Court. You can go read the decision on Plessy v. Ferguson if you really want to, but I encourage you to sit on your couch and forget everything you just learned here, because you will probably never need to use it. (Unless you actually become a Supreme Court justice one day. Which is totally very likely.)
Tags: Antonin Scalia, Cramming for Midterms, Elena Kagan, John Roberts, Midterms, Samuel Alito, Sara Benincasa, Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court
It's not every week that important global happenings are reductively expressed through humorous tweets. Wait a minute. Yes it is!
The anticipation, the overspending, the disappointment — even if I didn't mix up Christmas and midterm elections I still would have voted for Santa Claus.
More after the jump…
Tags: Barack Obama, Christine O’Donnell, Democrats, Food, Harry Reid, India, Jay Leno, Jimmy McMillan, Keith Olbermann, McDonald's, Midterms, MSNBC, Republicans