The Onion: Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election in American History
The Onion reports on last night's carnage…
In the wake of what is being called the deadliest midterm election in the nation's history, Washington's sole surviving politician, Rep. Peter DeFazio of Oregon's 4th Congressional District, emerged from the rubble of the Capitol building Wednesday to announce his intention to rebuild the fallen U.S. government.
The events of Tuesday night — which included live televised images of Sen. Harry Reid taking a gavel to the head of Sen. Mitch McConnell while Rep. Barney Frank repeatedly smashed the face of Undersecretary for Food Safety Elisabeth Hagen against a marble column — left most Americans believing their entire government had perished in the post-election bloodbath. But the miraculous survival of DeFazio points to a possible way forward…
"If anybody can hear me, my name is Peter DeFazio, and I'm a member of the U.S. Congress," he called out from a makeshift podium atop the ruins of the Lincoln Memorial.
I'm kind of shocked. It's not like The Onion to sugarcoat a story.
(By the way, you really need to read right down to the last line.)
Tags: Barney Frank, Harry Reid, House of Representatives, Midterms, Mitch McConnell, Oregon, Peter DeFazio, Senate, The Onion
Anything can happen on live TV, and Jon and Stephen's Midterm Teapartyganza was no different. Who will ever forget Aasif Mandvi's nude report from Washington D.C.? Or John Oliver and Jason Jones repeatedly shouting "f**k the FCC" while suspended from that ceiling fan? Or Samantha Bee straight up murdering that dude?
None of that happened, of course, but what did happen were the following quotes about last night's Democratic mega-massacre. You should read them until your brain explodes from being amused.
"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." – Olivia Munn
14 more quotes after the jump…
Tags: Aasif Mandvi, Alaska, David Vitter, Jason Jones, Joe Manchin, John Boehner, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Kentucky, Midterms, Nancy Grace, Olivia Munn, Rand Paul, Russ Feingold, Samantha Bee, Senate, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, West Virginia
What the hell do they care? By the time Speaker of the House John Boehner has fully molted and his skin has taken on the hue of a deep caramelized burnt umber, they'll be playing shuffleboard with Jesus at His palatial estate in East Heavenwood. Why should it matter to them that the rest of us are running for our lives while Toecutter and Lord Humungus chase us down in their diesel-powered Hummers.
Hey! If we don't like it, we should'a thought of that before we decided to get borned. (Or, maybe, we could have come out to vote. (Yeah, but fuck that, right?))
Tags: Democrats, Midterms
Last night, The Daily Show was broadcast live to cover the midterm election results. It was great, but some of you might have missed it. Maybe you're a Democrat, in which case you were too busy trying to convince everyone that you just have some dust in your eye. Or maybe you're a Republican, in which case you were too busy doing whatever it is one does to prepare for the abolition of the estate tax. In any case, here's a little of what you missed.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: Alvin Greene, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Midterms, Olivia Munn, The Daily Show, Video
My Favorite Election Night Moment: Michele Bachmann's Dead-Eyed Zombie Conversation with Chris Matthews
And, so, the Republicans take back the House of Representatives. That formerly august institution, which the Democrats have been running into the ground lo these many four years, is finally back under the charge of the Grand Old Party. This is a joyous occasion for many reasons, not the least of which is that now decent hardworking Americans no longer need to live in fear of the highest .02 percent of the nation economic elite having their tax breaks rolled back. But, also, it means that we, as a nation, will be treated to a lot more of Michele Bachmann.
Rep. Bachmann — who quite handily retained her seat last night — has not only made a name for herself these past few years as an outspoken advocate of weird things that come out of her head from time to time, but also as a standard-bearer for the grass roots tea party movement which was devised by high-ranking Republican politicians and libertarian billionaires last summer. But now, as a major player in the congressional majority party, we can expect so much more from her. And I like to think that this eerily zomborific interview with MSNBC's Chris Matthew from last night — the moment that most made me realize what we had just gotten ourselves into — is just the start of a lot more magic…
That is amazing. That stare is mesmerizing. She is a Terminator R-MN, plowing through journalists' questions with her undead gaze fixed tight on her mimeographed set of daily talking points. She is the future of humanity. One day, we will all be this horrible.
Tags: Chris Matthews, House of Representatives, Michele Bachmann, Midterms, Minnesota, MSNBC