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Mike Lee
  • Senate Republicans Oppose the Right to Rock

    At first glance, Senate Republican opposition to ratification of the Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities — a U.N. treaty signed by George W. Bush in 2006 and reaffirmed by Barack Obama in 2009 but not yet approved two-thirds of the Senate — seems self-explanatory.

    There's their abiding hatred of the U.N. and concern for the "sovereignty" of the U.S. And there's the fact that they've already pissed off every minority demographic group in America. Having lost the 2012 election by an 87% margin among African Americans, 47% among Asians, 44% among Hispanics and 54% among gays and lesbians, Republicans have naturally set their sights on pissing off disabled Americans for much the same reason obsessive nerds buy Superman IV: Quest For Peace: it's about completeness.

    But at a press conference, Senator Mike Lee of Utah, former senator Rick Santorum and Michael Farris of the Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA) laid out more reasons for their opposition to the CRPD.

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    Tags: Children, Mike Lee, Rick Santorum, Senate, United Nations
  • Rand Paul Does Not Really Understand How Metaphors Work

    Hey, remember that hilarious burn that John McCain laid down on Tea Party congresspeople yesterday?

    Well, Rand Paul wasn't about to let that go unanswered

    "I'd rather be a hobbit than a troll," freshman Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) said on a conference call when asked by Politico about McCain’s remarks. "I think in reading the books, the hobbits were the heroes. They overcame great obstacles, and I think I'd rather be a hobbit than a troll."

    First of all, lemme just say: Oh, would you now? Because I'll tell you one thing, unless you're wearing a mithril vest and have, like, three of the best warriors in Middle Earth and a fucking Maiar on your side, then you, and all your little Hobbit friends, are going to be pretty much fucked if you run into a cave troll. Advantage troll.

    Alright, that said, I'm relatively certain that McCain wasn't implying that Tea Party legislators were a race of really short people who like to drink ale, smoke pipeweed and frolic through the Shire on their bare hairy feet. (Though, Rep. Steve Scalise does make me wonder.) I think he meant that they're living in a fantasy world, in which they think that they will somehow prevail in the end because that's how things happen in make-believe stories.

    Ugh! I can't even get into this. Can somebody help explain this to Sen. Paul?

    Added fellow freshman Sen. Mike Lee, who co-founded the chamber's tea party caucus with Paul and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.): "It's stunning to me that some people have resorted to name calling rather than simply addressing the issue."

    Uuuuggghhhhhh!!! Forget it! Trying to explain literary devices to these people is like asking an Uruk-hai to ensnare the light of the two trees, Telperion and Laurelin. Know what I mean?

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Debt, Economy, John McCain, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, Tea Party
  • Sen. Mike Lee Stumbles Upon President Obama's Insidious Plan to Shutdown the Government

    As the U.S. government slides toward helplessly and inevitably into catastrophic shutdown, we, as citizens, are forced to impotently and helplessly watch the carnage with no recourse of action but to wonder why.

    Why? Why is this happening? What dark forces are at play behind the scenes to bring about such a loathsome situation.

    Wait, maybe it's this

    Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) suggested Thursday that President Obama might have begun planning a government shutdown last year with "malicious" intent.

    "Why was it that a few months ago… when the president had both Houses under the control of his party — why did he opt not to pass a budget for fiscal year 2011?” asked Lee, who helped found the Senate's Tea Party Caucus earlier this year.

    "It was either irresponsible on one hand or deliberate and malicious on the other with intention to bring about a sequence of events that would culminate inevitably in a government shutdown," said Lee.

    Of course! It all makes so much sense now. How did I not see this before?

    If the government shuts, then there'll be nobody to stop the terror babies from crawling into the country through our borders. We'll be knee-deep in Muslim atheist toddlers in no time! Stock up on mashed carrots! Babies hate mashed carrots! It's your only hope for survival!

    Oh my god! We're through the looking glass, people!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Mike Lee, Senate, Tea Party, Utah