by Maggie Sandford
It was a lovely, crisp, Autumn, American day as I headed over to Hancock Elementary to do my civic bidness. Outside, a rainbow of children from all ethnic backgrounds played kickball in perfect harmony (including one girl with a totally rockin’ jilbab printed with blue lightning. Jea-lous). On the way in, an appropriately named candy machine caught my eye: "The Challenger." They should obviously have one next to it called "The Incumbant." Now that's educational.
As I entered the gymnasium, the shoddy athletically themed murals and vague smell of children sweat reminded me why I was there: for that sticker. There was no line, so I marched up to the election volunteer and told her so. "I'm S-A-N-D-F-O-R-D, which means I'm in the K-Z book," I said, proud that my alphabet skills were still enviably sharp. (Beat that, lightning jilbab girl.)
The volunteer looked up from her knitting, and very politely told me that "Another volunteer is outside with the K-Z book, helping a very old woman vote curbside, because she can’t make it this far. It'll be just a few minutes."
Only slightly daunted, I sat on the bleachers while a trickle of K-Z citizens formed a line behind a grey-haired woman in a fringed buckskin jacket and running shoes. I watched the volunteer explain about the special "voting pens" between bites of her salami sandwich. I watched as a middle-aged woman with dreds and a Vikings jacket slipped her completed ballot into the BallotShure 8500.
"This is beautiful," I thought, grinning earnestly at a sour, wealthy-looking woman who probably thought I was going to cancel out her votes.
I hope that very old woman at the curbside got her sticker.
Tags: Amazing True Voting Stories!, Election Day, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota
War-hawk delegate by day, horny robbery victim by night.
That's the tale of Gabriel Nathan Schwartz at Republican National Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul. One minute, the Colorado delegate is bellowing for permanent war. The next, he's drugged in a hotel room minus $120,000 worth of cash and bling.
Here's how Schwartz spent the day of September 3rd…
* Appears in a mid-afternoon interview with LinkTV.org. In it, he announces he's voting for McCain in hopes of "less taxes and more war." Smiling, he repeats "more war" for added emphasis.
* Asked what he would do if he were commander in chief, he replies he would start a war with Iran and "bomb the hell of them from the sky," adding that they could also be defeated "with a slingshot."
* Shares his financing plan for this Iran war: "We should plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money. We deserve reimbursement."
* Sends his message to those protesting the convention: "Get a job."
* At this point, the American Douchebag Guild interrupts the interview to declare they have renounced Schwartz.
And then later that night…
* Schwartz checks into the Hotel Ivy, a $319 dollar per night hotel several miles from where the rest of the Colorado delegation is staying.
* He picks up a single woman in the hotel's bar and invites her to his room for sex.
* The woman fixes Schwartz a drink and tells him to undress.
* Hours later, Schwartz awakens in a haze. The woman has stolen his wallet, a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a $5,000 necklace, $4,000 earrings and a $1,000 Prada belt.
* The American Douchebag Guild reappears to laugh so hard they wet their pants.
Tags: Iran, Iraq, John McCain, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota, Republican National Convention
Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) has faced plenty of ridicule for the past 15 months following accusations that he solicited sex from a toilet stall in a Minneapolis airport.
The passage of time, a presidential campaign, and the perennially unfolding Lindsay Lohan saga should have made this scandal disappear long ago. But Craig's shame is still making headlines, thanks to the efforts of one very powerful individual…
Lawyers for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho asked a Minnesota Court on Wednesday to void the guilty plea he made following his arrest last year in a men's toilet sex-sting operation…
Craig was arrested at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, after an undercover police officer said the lawmaker kept looking through a crack in the door, sat down in a stall next to him and used hand and foot signals to indicate he was soliciting sex.
Why is Craig still dragging this out in court? His Senate career in its final months and it's not like there's a lawmaking "seniors tour" he could be banned from. If anything, he should take a page from fellow celebrity convict O.J. "If I Did It" Simpson and write a book where he explains what it might be like if he actually was scoring anonymous toilet sex with business travelers.
It could be like a Penthouse Forum for closeted gay federal lawmakers.
Don't laugh. According to former Rep. Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), that's a bigger demographic than you think.
Tags: House of Representatives, Larry Craig, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota, Senate, St. Paul
While the Jon Stewart and the Daily Show correspondents recharge their batteries following two weeks of ass-kicking convention coverage, let's use this week to take a look back on the cream of their convention coverage.
The DS correspondents bring it hard core to the DNC and show why they're The Best Fucking News Team Ever.
John, Jason, Aasif and Rob report live from Larry Craig's infamous bathroom/sexatorium in Minneapolis.
Jon chooses the media analysis of Wyatt Cenac over Samantha Bee's, even though she's "Still the One."
Tags: Aasif Mandvi, Colorado, Democratic National Convention, Denver, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Larry Wilmore, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota, Republican National Convention, Rob Riggle, Samantha Bee, St. Paul, The Daily Show, Wyatt Cenac
Sarah Palin is just a small town gal, which means that when she's president in 10 months, America will start to look a lot more like a small town.
Tags: Alaska, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota, Paul Mecurio, Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin, St. Paul, The Daily Show