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  • Ron Paul Scares GOP With Novel Strategy of Knowing Election Rules

    Ron PaulMitt Romney swept the East Coast primaries last night, leaving us with the crushing realization that we're going to be stuck with seven months worth of retreaded jokes about Romney's lack of human touch, like dogs stuck a top Mitt's car. At this point, the last interesting subplot in the Republican primary involves the potential  influence America's most intelligent and ideologically consistent lawn gnome, Ron Paul, may exert on the convention in Tampa.

    Judging by his performance in Rhode Island and Pennsylvania, where he finished ahead of Newt Gingrich and is likely to garner several delegates, it will be some time before Paul is forced to return to his former profession of yelling at squirrels while handing out poorly mimeographed newsletters at the local park. Paul's relative success — he's generally improved on his 2008 performance — is a result of a novel strategy known as "study the fucking delegates selection rules and follow through after each caucus."

    Not everyone in the GOP is happy with the Paul campaign's organizational strength. At a county caucus in Washington State, a Republican official tried to shut down a meeting after a Paul supporter had been elected to chair the gathering.

    It's such nefarious rule-learning and organization that will allow Paul to control the Minnesota delegation to the Republican National Convention…

    Paul took home 20 of the 24 possible delegates and nearly all the alternative delegates Saturday during the Minnesota congressional district conventions….

    Thirteen more at-large delegates will be chosen at the Minnesota state convention, but the delegation demographics there will be very similar to those in the congressional districts, and Paul appears poised to come away with even more delegates after the May 4 convention.

    Similarly, Paul is on track to win a majority of Iowa's delegates, despite coming in third place in the unofficial statewide tally. This means the Iowa Caucuses have now had three winners over the past few months, which begs the question — who do these indecisive Iowa voters think they are, Mitt Romney?

    Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Iowa, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Primaries, Republican National Convention, Republicans, Rhode Island, Ron Paul
  • Minnesota GOP Evicted from Party Headquarters

    Hey, remember the subprime mortgage crisis? You know, that thing where thousands of ordinary Americans were facing foreclosure after big banks sold them mortgages they knew they couldn't afford and then bet against them, and Republicans blamed irresponsible Americans for buying stuff they couldn't afford and refused to support the bailout and boo socialism?*

    Yeah, Republicans don't either

    The debt-plagued Republican Party of Minnesota is getting kicked out of its party headquarters near the state Capitol. Massachusetts-based Hub Properties Trust filed paperwork in Ramsey County on Wednesday to evict the state GOP for failing to pay more than $96,000 in rent over the last year.

    The eviction action follows a series of revelations last winter regarding debts accrued by the party during the reign of former RPM Chairman Tony Sutton. In December, an internal review of finances revealed that the party owes $1.23 million to creditors, plus more than $700,000 in legal fees accrued during the 2010 gubernatorial recount.

    Whoops! I guess Minnesota Republicans forgot to read that important pamphlet, "Don't Buy Stuff You Can't Afford" by John Q. Obvious, Ph.D. Well, at least they won't go hungry. They've got more than enough crow to eat.

    If nothing else, perhaps this incident will give the state GOP some perspective on the suffering of middle-class Americans who were duped into losing their homes and savings by Wall Street banks. Haha, nope! They're just going to keep on screwing us all over to lower taxes for the rich.


    * Note: This may not be an accurate description of the subprime mortgage crisis. The Wikipedia entry was very long and I fell asleep reading it.


    Related: Michele Bachmann Moving to New District to Keep Congressional Seat

    Tags: Debt, Economy, Minnesota, Money, Republicans
  • The 56 Best Things About Michele Bachmann

    michele bachmann birthday

    As you are no doubt aware, today is a certain Minnesota-Representative-turned-failed-presidential-candidate's 56th birthday. To celebrate, we've drawn up this list of the 56 best things about Michele Bachmann. Don't say we never do anything for you, M-Ba!

    1. She enjoys corn dogs.

    2. She also enjoys "noodles, cheeses, chicken and bacon."

    3. She's tough on Iran and knows our imaginary embassy in Tehran should be relocated to Krypton or Atlantis.

    4. There was that one time she dressed up like Princess Leia at a debate. That was awesome.

    5. She gets all her facts about HPV vaccinations from random women she meets, unless they happen to be scientists.

    Read More »

    Tags: Birthers, Food, Health Care, House of Representatives, Iowa Straw Poll, Iran, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota, Religion, Science & Technology, Tea Party, War on Christmas
  • Michele Bachmann Moving to New District to Keep Congressional Seat

    Michele Bachmann suspends her campaignWho is Michele Bachmann without a megaphone with which to scream her half-considered inanities? I mean, who is she really? Without the congressional seat and the television cameras and the people who are forced to pretend like the things she says are meaningful, she might as well be some lady who breeds ferrets, flashes the paperboy and brushes her teeth with sardine paste.

    That's why it was kind of disturbing there for a while when — after Bachmann dropped from the GOP primaries — we learned that that her district full of like-minded crazy people was being restructured out of existence.

    But good news, everyone! Michele Bachmann is resolute in her determination to have an audience for her feverish rants. In fact, she is willing to move mountains to keep what's hers. Or, at any rate, move residences

    The map, released Tuesday afternoon, was crafted by a five-judge panel that had been tasked with drawing the lines after Democratic Gov. Mark Dayton and the Republican-controlled state legislature failed to reach a compromise on the state's redistricting.

    The court placed Bachmann in the same Democratic-leaning, 4th district seat as nearby Democratic Rep. Betty McCollum, but it left an adjacent, northern Minnesota-based 6th seat vacant that the Republican congresswoman has chosen to run in.

    Bachmann, whose Stillwater home is located in the new 4th district, immediately announced on Tuesday that she would move in order to run in the 6th district.

    It's so comforting to know that we're never getting rid of her. Ever. No matter what.

    Tags: House of Representatives, Judiciary, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota
  • Rick Santorum Sweep Confirms Pundits Just Making Stuff Up

    Add the zero delegates Rick Santorum earned during last night's victory in the nonbinding Colorado precinct caucuses with the zero delegates he earned by winning Minnesota's nonbinding precinct caucuses and Rick Santorum is still just Rick Santorum.

    But add the zero delegates awarded in Missouri's "beauty contest" primary, which unlike Minnesota's and Colorado's caucuses will have no effect on eventual delegate allocation, and Rick Santorum is one sweater-vested beauty queen

    With his triumphs, Mr. Santorum was also suddenly presenting new competition to Newt Gingrich as the chief alternative to Mr. Romney, the front-runner. Where Mr. Gingrich has won one state, South Carolina, Mr. Santorum has now won four, including Iowa…

    The results on Tuesday shook the political world, which appeared to once again make the mistake of believing the Republican race for the presidency was finally set on a stable trajectory. But it was an open question whether the defeats were a momentary embarrassment or a prolonged setback for Mr. Romney.

    It's a sad day in America when Donald Trump's endorsement doesn't even guarantee a win in a beauty pageant.  In fact, Romney failed to win a single county in Missouri or Minnesota, further evidence of the reverse Trump bump elucidated by my colleague Dennis.

    Of course the real import of last night's results is in the "momentum." First, Mitt Romney is declared the presumptive winner after garnering less than 100 of the  1,114 pledged delegates needed to win the Republican nomination. Then, Santorum's triumph in nonbinding caucuses is described as shaking the political consensus created by the same analysts who had proclaimed Romney's inevitability. And so it goes — you say potato, I say potahto. You say "narrative," I say "media circle jerk."

    Photo by Richard Ellis/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Colorado, Donald Trump, Minnesota, Missouri, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum