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National Enquirer
  • Breaking News: Sarah Palin's Teens Behave Like Teenagers!


    Is it kind of sad when the National Enquirer becomes a source for breaking political news? Apparently, they have another trashy, trashy bombshell.

    Sarah Palin's beautiful family is as flawed and shitty as every other American family.

    …Sarah's oldest son, Track, was addicted to the power drug OxyContin for nearly the past two years, snorting it, eating it, smoking it and even injecting it…

    He snorted it! He ate it! He even injected it! If Track were the guy in "Green Eggs and Ham" and instead of "Green Eggs and Ham" it would have been called "Green Eggs and OxyContin" and he would have said yes on every page.

    But at least mom to be, Bristol Palin, can still be compared to the Virgin Mary (except for the virgin part)…

    Another family friend revealed pre-prego Bristol was as much of a hard partier as Track was.

    "Bristol was a huge stoner and drinker. I've seen her smoke pot and get drunk and make out with so many guys. All the guys would brag that the just made out with Bristol."

    Teens will be teens. I mean, wait until Obama's girls hit that crazy age range. At least we can rest assured that Sarah Palin is a supportive and loving mother.

    When Sarah found out the teen was pregnant by high schooler Levi Johnston, she was actually banished [her daughter] from the house. As part of the cover-up, Palin quickly transferred Bristol to another high school and made her move in with Sarah's sister Heather 25 miles away!

    Seriously, we should take this with a grain of salt. This story is pretty trashy and maybe not indicative of Palin's political life. But the RNC made a big push to present the Palin clan as an ideal American family. If this is true, they are half right. Palin's family acts like a lot of other American families.

    Additionally, it might not be true, but it's not like The National Enquirer hasn't been right before.


    Tags: National Enquirer, Sarah Palin
  • Fox News Piles More Sleaze Onto Sleazy John Edwards Scandal

    Yesterday we reported that The National Enquirer was all up inside the story of John Edwards, his alleged mistress and his allegedly alleged illegitimate child. In doing so, we noted that for such an egregiously slimy story as this, there is no better news source than The Enquirer.

    Well, we were wrong. Because now Fox News has slithered itself into the fray (sorry, Enquirer, but you just got out-skeeved), and its claiming to have the eyewitness account of a hotel security guard who stepped in to lend the former senator a hand in escaping from a throng of undead reporters…

    The Beverly Hilton Hotel guard said he encountered a shaken and ashen-faced Edwards — whom he did not immediately recognize — in a hotel men's room early Tuesday morning in a literal tug-of-war with reporters on the other side of the door.

    "What are they saying about me?" the guard said Edwards asked.

    "His face just went totally white," the guard said, when Edwards was told the reporters were shouting out questions about Edwards and Rielle Hunter, a woman the National Enquirer says is the mother of his child.

    That will make an excellent scene in the made-for-TV-movie of this whole debacle that E almost-certainly already has in the works.

    This, on the other hand…

    The guard did not recognize Edwards at the time of the incident, but said he concluded it was the 2008 presidential hopeful after hearing reports about the incident and finding an Enquirer reporter's notebook at the scene.

    The guard said during the chase the reporters had dropped the notebook, which he picked up. "This book has everything in it on him," he said, referring to Edwards.

    I'm just not buying it. Sure, that might flown a few years ago. But, now, in the post-DaVinci Code era, people don't wanna see plot points get picked quite so easily.

    Here's how I think we should change this story. The guard doesn't find notebook on the ground. It's left in his bed on the morning after he's seduced by a really, really beautiful woman. Like, maybe Keira Knightley, but with bigger boobs. As a matter of fact, lose the security guard. Who gives a shit about security guards? He's a traveling mercenary with a drinking problem.

    Check to see if Joel Schumacher is available to direct.


    Tags: Fox, John Edwards, National Enquirer
  • Enquiring Minds Want to Catch John Edwards and His Secret Love Child


    Hey, did'ja hear the one about the former hopeful presidential nominee and prospective vice-presidential candidate who got caught having an alleged secret rendezvous with the mother of his alleged illegitimate child?

    No?

    Well, maybe you don't read The National Enquirer quite enough

    A team of Enquirer reporters caught [John Edwards] visiting his mistress and secret love child late Monday night at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles hotel…

    Said [Enquirer reporter Alan] Butterfield: "The car had a baby seat in the back for Rielle [Hunter]'s infant. He pulled into the parking lot, took a ticket from the automated machine, pulled forward, and stopped right after the parking gate lowered. Edwards got out of the passenger side, walked around the front of the car and went in a side entrance near the swimming pool.

    "McGovern parked the car and then slowly walked back inside the hotel and went upstairs"…

    We can now reveal that the man who drove Edwards was Bob McGovern, the same man who drove Rielle to the hotel from Santa Barbara and rented her room in his name.

    This would be pretty damning evidence if The National Enquirer were called The New York Times, or even The Los Angeles Times.

    On the other hand, this is a smut story, and that's where The Enquirer shines. They were the first people on the scene for Bill Clinton's cigar shenanigans with Monica Lewinsky and their scum-bagginess did uncover some key details in the O.J. Simpson debacle.

    So, who knows…

    Edwards' advisers are "spitting mad and furious" that his late-night escapades have made international headlines because it could derail his chances of becoming Barack Obama's running mate.

    Ya think?

    More on this as disgusting allegations and half-cocked speculations emerge.


    Tags: Barack Obama, John Edwards, National Enquirer, Rielle Hunter