Zoe Economou is running for District 2 County Commissioner in Bernalillo County, New Mexico. Zoe Economou! I could say her name for hours. Zoe Economou sounds like a smart-alecky bandit in a post-apocalyptic rock opera.
Turns out, maybe I'm not joking. Economou really is a candidate who's suited for the end times. She's a farmer and a seamstress and a beekeeper, talents you need in any apocalypse compound. Oh, like you don't judge people by the skills they could bring to Fort Costco (see, in the future, our only artifacts from the past will be vestiges of big box stores, it's a whole thing I've worked out)?
Policy-wise, Economou stands for responsible development and water conservation. More walkable communities, less Wal-Mart (Fort Costco 4 Life). She's against sprawl–in other words, she hopes to prevent Bernalillo County from turning into Houston. (You are the sprawliest, Houston, admit it.) Economou is running on these sensible-sounding plans, but really, it's her Ragnarok skills that will play well for New Mexico's June 5 primary. With all the intestine-throwing and limb-mailing, and face- and heart- and brain-eating of last week, she's showing her true worth as the world crumbles around us. The beekeeping alone will be priceless. According to my careful analysis of hypothetical apocalypse scenarios, sugar will be nonexistent–maybe it already is?–and people will bargain for honey.
Unless Economou is actually cultivating her bees to raise an army of flying terror, perhaps because she of all people knows that the end is near. Here is how she described her work, in a conversation with the New Mexico Daily Lobo, after a freak bee swarm attack (?!):
"You can pretty much take the swarm and put it in a box, and if you have the queen they'll all come with," Economou said. "They don't really care about you. They just care about the queen."
Interesting. And who has the queen? Would it be… the beekeeper? Exactly! With Napoleonic undertones like that you don't have to be a mind-reader, or even much of a word-reader, to realize that Economou has powers the average mortal can never summon. There is no way to know if she will use them for good or for evil, so let's go ahead and assume the worst–that seems like the best thing to do, these days.
In conclusion: Zoe Economou is running for District 2 Commissioner in New Mexico, has some reasonable ideas about city planning, and very likely has a loyal army of terrorist attack bees.
Photo by Jennifer M. Ramos/Flickr Open/Getty Images
Previously: Tara Volesky, "Corn star"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Ms. Economou a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: New Mexico, One of a Kind Candidates
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that was before we started genetically engineering plants and animals to our specifications. Some day in humanity's future, when politics finally begins to bore us, we'll need to breed an intelligent, loving animal to take over our civic duties.
Enter Buddy the dog…
An Albuquerque man says he successfully registered his dog to vote in Bernalillo County.
The dog owner said he saw a voter registration booth on the University of New Mexico's campus a few weeks ago and decided to see how easy it would be to register his dog to vote.
He said he was trying to expose the problems with the registration system. He said he just received the dog's voter registration card in the mail Wednesday, and it was way too easy.
Buddy's owner, who remains unnamed, was alarmed that it had been so easy to commit voter fraud. State officials retaliated by saying they are under no law to confirm every application they receive, which immediately restored everyone's belief in the integrity of bureaucrats.
Although Buddy's owner has no intention of voting with his dog's registration card, Buddy has made no such promises. If it was this easy for one dog to register, many more may try. Be afraid, Mitt Romney. Be very afraid.
Photo by JHill Street Studios/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Animals, New Mexico, Puppies!, Voter Fraud
All New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez wanted was to avoid what I affectionately call the John Thune – the official hair helmet uniform of all Republican lawmakers whose locks are coiffed exclusively by heterosexual hands. Cue Antonio Darden, proprietor of Antonio's Hair Studio in Santa Fe and Martinez's stylist on three previous occasions, to spurn Martinez's bob thanks to the governor's anti-marriage equality views…
"The governor’s aides called not too long ago, wanting another appointment to come in," Darden said. "Because of her stances and her views on this I told her aides no. They called the next day, asking if I'd changed my mind about taking the governor in and I said no again."
The governor has said she believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, and that does not cut it with Darden.
"I think it's just equality, dignity for everyone," the popular hair stylist said. "I think everybody should be allowed the right to be together. My partner and I have been together for 15 years."
Now if stylists, interior decorators and evangelical preachers joined forces in a boycott of anti-marriage lawmakers, America would have civil equality in no time.
Photo by Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: LGBT, Marriage, Marriage Equality, New Mexico, Susana Martinez
Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson — despite most evidence to the contrary — is actually running for the actual Republican nomination for president, in between watching his neighbor's dogs. He sat down with our very own Mary Phillips-Sandy in the heart of the Indecision HQ to discuss a number of things, such as home state popularity, legalizing marijuana, Willie Nelson, gluten-free pizza and The Gary Johnson Rule.
Previously: Watch our Undercision 2012 interview with former GOP nominee Rep. Thaddeus McCotter.
Tags: Drugs, Gary Johnson, Indecision Exclusive, Marijuana, New Mexico, Primaries, Republicans, Undercision 2012, Video, Willie Nelson
* George W. Bush commends George W. Bush for all his good work following 9/11.
* Rick Perry nabs invaluable Orly Taitz endorsement.
* Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala) unveils plan to open up millions of coveted dishwasher jobs for America's unemployed.
* Anti-Illegal Immigrant governor of New Mexico discovers illegal immigrants hiding in her family tree.
* Paul Ryan continues wooing the Senior Citizen crowd.
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 9/11, Alabama, George W. Bush, House of Representatives, Immigration, New Mexico, Orly Taitz, Paul Ryan, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Senior Citizens, Unemployment, Wisconsin