Latest Posts

  • John Kerry Is Boring in Every Language

    John KerrySecretary of State John "Human Ambien" Kerry's facility with French is well-known, even if he keeps his cunning linguistics hidden when he's on American soil.

    But did you know he spoke German?

    Kerry: [in German] Very good, thank you. All is well. Your shoes are fantastic, yes? [...] No, no, I can only speak a little German. But I would say, it is wonderful to be back herein Berlin. Thank you. And now I will speak in English because it's easier. [end of German]

    And Italian?

    Kerry thanked Prime Minister Mario Monti in Italian for his "spirit of friendship."

    And Norwegian!?

    [Kerry] won praise from his Norwegian counterpart Espen Barth Eide, who said after talks at the State Department that Kerry "can even speak quite impressively Norwegian phrases."

    Eide added, "Secretary Kerry made a very good poi– Zzzzzzzzzzzz…"

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: France, Germany, Italy, John Kerry, Norway, Secretary of State
  • United States Ranked Exceptionally Mediocre in UN Development Index

    Anyone who has paid attention to a flag lapel pin-wearing politician in the last, oh, 200 years or so, is aware of certain truth-facts about America. We are a unique snowflake of representative democracy and economic dynamism, a shining city on a hill, the leader of the free world. Our citizens are the most productive, our culture the most vibrant, and our society…totally not resembling the Bacchanalia of the last days of Rome.

    In short, even using a crypto-communist system that weighs such gauche statistics as "life expectancy" and "mean years of schooling" alongside the more traditional Gross National Income figures, the United States must emerge as the most exceptional country that ever exceptioned on this side of the Milky Way. We're number one! Number four? Umn, top twenty?

    The United States remains the fourth best country in the world to live in, but adjustment for inequality drops it into 23rd place, according to an annual U.N. ranking of nations' development released on Wednesday…

    Oil-producing Norway, which again grabbed the top rank in the overall index — its ninth top placement in the past 11 years — was also No. 1 in the adjusted index. Australia, second in the overall human development index (HDI), was also second in the inequality-adjusted index. The Netherlands ranked third and fourth in the different measures.

    Blast you, Norway. Must be their low, flat taxes and paltry government services doing the trick. What? Oh, the one with a 10% corporate and personal income tax is 126th-ranked Kyr-kyr-gi-stan-stan? Well, we're not going to collect 41% of GDP in taxes, as Norway does, and invest the funds in quality public services. Instead, I'm going to pin my hopes on a Job Creator opening a factory producing "Still Better than Estonia!" foam fingers. We'll be back on top of the HDI charts in no time.

    Photo by Johannes Simon/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Economy, Education, Health, Norway, Taxes, United Nations
  • Stephen Colbert on the U.S. Media's Response to the Muslish Islamesque Atrocities in Norway

    You know, a whole lot of people really jumped all over the media for immediately assuming that the awful awful awful terrorist attacks in Norway this past weekend were the work of an Islamic extremist organization like al Qaeda before knowing all the facts.

    However, I'm assuming that most of those people are Islamic extremists, and I don't think we should be paying attention to the opinions of terrorists…

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

    Tags: al Qaeda, Christianity, Islam, Norway, Religion, Stephen Colbert, Terrorism, The Colbert Report, Video, Wall Street Journal
  • Quote Unquote: Summer Camp

    Glenn Beck displays his legendary good taste and thoughtfulness while addressing the shootings in Norway from this past weekend

    "There was a shooting at a political camp, which sounds a little like, you know, the Hitler youth. I mean, who does a camp for kids that's all about politics? Disturbing."

    Good point, Glenn Beck! So right on the money. I mean, really, who does create a a camp for kids that's all about politics? That's just crazy! Especially when those could instead be  going to Beck's own 912 Project Liberty School where "kids aged 8-12 years old will have fun while learning the principles of liberty, free markets, and limited government." Much much better option!

    Remember, choosy moms choose Beck!

    (via Politicus USA)

    Tags: Glenn Beck, Guns, Norway, Quote Unquote, Terrorism
  • Norway Arrests United Colors of Benetton on Suspicion of Terrorist Activity

    In a further attempt to confuse anyone trying to make sense of the international Muslammedan-Islamoriffic terror network, Norway has announced the arrest of three potential bad guys

    One of the men arrested was a 39-year-old Norwegian citizen of Chinese origin who belongs to the Muslim Uighur ethnic group and has been in Norway since 1999, the police said. Another was a 31-year-old Uzbek citizen who arrived in Norway in 2002 and had permanent residency, the police said. The third man was a 37-year-old Iraqi citizen of Kurdish background who also went to Norway in 1999 and has permanent residency.

    So, to sum up: One of the dudes was a Norwegian Muslim guy from China, but not one of those Chinese Muslims who live in the islands now, sipping mai tais and putting the lime in the coconut. The other was a Muslim guy who was a Norwegian permanent resident but came from Uzbekistan, a place where we actually have an embassy. Then there was this other Norwegian permanent resident who emigrated from Iraq but is of Kurdish ethnic origin. He was arrested in Germany in front of a kindergarten.

    Um, what?

    Here, this will help you…

    A European intelligence official said the three men were members of the Turkistan Islamic Party, a Uighur separatist group based largely in the lawless Pakistani tribal area of Waziristan, which has become a haven for Al Qaeda and other militant groups.

    This is Al-Qaeda’s latest plot to destroy the West: confuse the casual reader by recruiting and radicalizing dudes in way too many countries, who then move to a second country and are arrested by law enforcement in a third country.

    Al-Qaeda, we’ve accepted that you want to murder all of us. But do you have to confuse us as well?

    Tags: al Qaeda, China, Islam, Norway, Terrorism, Uzbekistan