The Onion: Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

The Onion reports on the growing controversy over nuclear energy…

Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S. reactors were 100 percent safe and posed absolutely no threat to the public health as long as no unforeseeable system failure or sudden accident were to occur.

"With the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never, ever become a danger like those in Japan, unless our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down," said NRC chairman Gregory Jaczko, insisting that nuclear power remained a clean, harmless energy source that could only lead to disaster if events were to unfold in the exact same way they did in Japan, or in a number of other terrifying and totally plausible scenarios that have taken place since the 1950s

You see? There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Unless something turns up.

Tags: Energy & Oil, Japan, Nuclear, The Onion

Fun Sorority Meeting Will Determine If Iran Gets to Kill You

Today a giant sorority of seven cute nations gets together in Geneva to have a chat about Iran's nuclear plans. The gals in question are the U.S. (the bossy one); China (the backstabbing Asian babe you totes can't trust with your secrets); Britain (the pale, uptight virgin); France (the gorgeous snob); Germany (the overly cheery born-again who used to be a terrible bitch); Russia (the fun, drunk trainwreck); and Iran (hot trouble with a capital "T.")

Here's a rundown of how the convo will probably definitely go down…

Britain: Alright then, girls, let's come to order. Order, please? Order? If you could perhaps stop speaking, just for — perhaps for a moment?

China: But when you do speak, please be sure to enunciate directly into the teacups I so graciously provided. Please do use an elevated volume of voice and return each cup to me after the meeting concludes. Feel free to share everything on your minds and to provide essential details.

U.S.: Christ, everybody shut up. Except for me. Would you like a donut? You would? Great. Here you go. I assume I can expect your undying loyalty from now until the end of time. Remember, I have Predator drones!

France: These teacups are not Limoges, and therefore I shall not drink from them. You all smell like boxed wine and other totems of low culture.

Germany: Speaking of tea, can I get anybody anything? Sugar? Lemon? Napkins? Thanks for inviting me, by the way. I mean, really. I'm just, I'm really glad everything is just cool with us, and that we can be friends for real now. I feel like you guys really like me for real, am I right?

Russia: WHO WANT TO MAKE FUCK AND SWIM IN POOL OF VODKA?!

Iran: I want to blow you all to shit. HAHA! J/K! No, but really.

Tags: China, France, Germany, Iran, Nuclear, Russia, Switzerland, United Kingdom

Stephen Colbert Declares War on The Marshall Islands (Which Apparently Is a Place Supposedly)

Fun fact: The Republic of the Marshall Islands is not where the Matthew McConaughey movie We Are Marshall takes place, but it is the place with the highest rate of leprosy in the entire world. Lots of people don't get those things confused.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: BP, Energy & Oil, Nuclear, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, WMDs

Stephen Colbert on the BP Oil Spill "Nuclear Option" Which Is Literally a Nuclear Option

The way I see it, somebody's got to nuke the ocean, so it may as well be us. It's just a simple, plain, unambiguous fact. It's been sitting there smirking at us for the past, I don't know, several thousand million years. How long are we going to take that when we've got all these nuclear missiles here just waiting to be shot some body of water? And it's really big, so we'd have better than even odds of hitting it and not killing a country full of impoverished children. Better than even! I like those odds!

Come on, President Obama! Don't be soft on blowing up the ocean with nuclear weapons!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Barack Obama, BP, Christmas, Energy & Oil, Nuclear, Russia, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Fox Compares Nuke Summit Logo to Muslim Flags

As Jon Stewart discussed on last night's Daily Show, Fox News recently placed the logo for the Nuclear Security Summit alongside the flags of several Muslim nations to insinuate that President Obama is telegraphing support to the Islamic world. But that's ridiculous. Why would Obama do something so blatant? It'd just ruin the surprise when he forces us into the Satanic atheist Muslim reeducation bathhouses.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

For quick summaries of recent episodes, be sure to visit Intel's Daily Show in :60 Seconds page.

Tags: Barack Obama, Fox, Islam, Jon Stewart, Nuclear, The Daily Show, Video