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  • Obam-Ailments to Watch Out For: Multiple Audacity Disorder

    Multiple Audacity Disorder (məl-tə-pəl ȯ-ˈda-sə-tē dis-ˈȯr-dər)

    Multiple Audacity Disorder is a malady brought upon by uncharacteristically high levels of hopefulness. As Barack Obama prepares for the presidency of the United States of America, victims of this disorder will begin to believe that an array extremely unlikely scenarios actually exist within the realm of possible futures.

    The disorder is caused by the massive pools of emotion originating in the heart, which over time will flow through the bloodstream and become lodged in the reasoning sections of the victim's brain.

    Symptoms include believing in tomorrow, thinking any child can grow up to be president, and wondering if satire is dead now that the world is perfect.

    Doctors across the country have expressed concern that many victims could fall into shock upon the realization Barack Obama is a non-divine human mammal. Some medical professionals have expressed hope that Obama will somehow manage not fail in the slightest as president, though these professionals are generally believed to be suffering from the disorder themselves.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Obam-Ailments
  • Obam-Ailments to Watch Out For: Yes We Cancer

    Yes We Cancer (ˈyes ˈwē ˈkan(t)-sər)

    Yes We Cancer is a type of disease in which one's body can becomes so rampant with positive feelings, it can no longer process realistic assumptions.

    The disease has until recently been kept at bay by an immunity brought upon by years of failure of the U.S.'s Democratic Party. However, following the DNC's recent return to moderate relevancy, Yes We Cancer has re-emerged and has begun spreading throughout most of the continental United States, with the exception of certain areas of the South, Midwest and Appalachians, where a widespread chronic cases of Drillbabydrillitis serve to counteract Yes We Cancer's effects.

    Once a victim has stopped chanting "Yes We Can!" in favor of "Yes We Did!" the disease will have completely taken hold of the brain. At that point, not even Rick Warren's upcoming speech can deter the blinding levels of optimism.

    Victims of the disease should remain mostly functional for all intents and purposes, but will most likely be unable to take part in meaningful conversation for the next four-to-eight years. Fortunately for victims who work in political punditry, most cable news channels do not discriminate against people with political-related brain disorders.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Obam-Ailments
  • Obam-Ailments to Watch Out For: Cerebral Policy

    Cerebral Policy (sə-ˈrē-brəl ˈpä-lə-sē)

    Cerebral Policy is a brain disorder wherein the functions directly related to an interest in politics slowly shut down.

    The primary cause of the disorder is President-elect Barack Obama's eloquently worded press conferences and carefully calibrated fireside chats. After years of simplistic political language, the average American mind can no longer process complex policies from their elected officials.

    As "Yes We Can" gives way to "I want to be realistic here, not everything that we talked about during the campaign are we going to be able to do on the pace that we had hoped," medical professionals fear the worst.

    Symptoms include increased apathy and forgetfulness as related to politics. In fact, a new medical study reveals most victims have already forgotten Joe Biden exists. When informed of this grave medical crisis, Obama responded, "Who's Joe Biden?"

    There is no cure for Cerebral Policy, although medical scientists believe the victims are in no pain whatsoever, as they are plenty entertained by Rock of Love and Real World: Brooklyn.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Obam-Ailments
  • Obam-Ailments to Watch Out For: Hopetitis O

    Hopetitis O (ˈhōp- tī-təs ˈō)

    Hopetitis O is an acute liver disorder often associated with illicit consumption of simple rhetoric, unprotected political discourse, and repeated donation of funds to the DNC.

    Infection occurs after prolonged exposure to hope, often caused by watching old YouTube videos of Obama's acceptance speech.

    Symptoms include believing Barack Obama will fix the ailing economy, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary.

    If you feel as though racism is officially over, an immediate Iraqi troop withdrawal is imminent, or that we are the one's we've been waiting for, please consult a medical professional. But don't hold your breath on receiving free healthcare. That's not going to happen.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Obam-Ailments