Latest Posts

One of a Kind Candidates
  • One of a Kind Candidate: Bill Woolsey, Mayor, James Island, South Carolina

    Fort Sumter Civil WarBill Woolsey was the mayor of James Island, South Carolina, but it was ripped from his hands mid-term. Not his office, the town. Those uppity-ups in neighboring Charleston appealed James Island's attempt to become incorporated, making Woolsey a mayor without a town.

    But in May James Island succeeded in its fourth attempt for town-hood, and Woolsey is running again to become mayor. Four times the islanders have tried to separate themselves from Charleston. Four times! That’s real persistence, or a real dislike for Charleston. As Wikipedia says, "driving these [separation] efforts was a hatred for Charleston Mayor Joe Riley." No citation.  Nailed the landing on that one, Wikipedia.

    Doesn't feel so good to be seceded from, does it, Charleston? We're sorry to see you suffer, but at least now you can understand a little bit of the stress you caused us northerners–all those late nights of worrying, wondering how we could have come from the same Founding Fathers.

    Quick history lesson (with a citation, check it): the first shots of the Civil War came from James Island, when Confederate forces at Fort Johnson fired on the Union-occupied Fort Sumter. Now, like their ancestors, the citizens of James Island have cast off the shackles of oppression on their property, although their ancestors were trying to keep the shackles of oppression on their "property," but, you know. This has taken a turn.

    Anyway, now that James Islanders have prevailed with their stick-it-to-Joe-Riley plan, Bill Woolsey's campaign platform is a post-conquest agenda. Not content with mere independence, he's trying to add strategic territories to his rebel island with a bold plan to "organize and win annexation elections."

    Careful, Mr. Woolsey. The sweet taste of secession can be addictive. It's only a matter time before you personally secede from James Island. Next thing you know you're seceding from the living room to Woolsey Fort Blanket, and eventually ol' Joe Riley will come in from Charleston and start bagging-up the carpet. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to reheat it," as Abraham Lincoln never said. (Spoiler: he never fought vampires, either.)

    Also, Charleston, it would be super chill of you to let us use your police department. We can be grown-up about this, right?

    Image by Kean Collection/Archive Photos/Getty Images

    Previously: Goodspaceguy, "Close encounter of a 3rd party"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Woolsey a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.


    Tags: Civil War, One of a Kind Candidates, South Carolina
  • One of Kind Candidate: Goodspaceguy, U.S. House of Representatives, Seattle, WA

    Let's kick this one off with some direct quotes from our candidate du jour week.

    I, Goodspaceguy, ask that you think of our Earth as a natural spaceship that travels in our solar system around our star, the Sun, and with our Sun travels within our Milky Way Galaxy, a collection of hundreds of billions of solar systems.

    Here's another:

    Let's solve national and world problems from the viewpoint that we are crewmembers and voters of our Spaceship Earth.

    Goodspaceguy is running for U.S. Representative to Congress from the 7th Congressional District of Washington state, and he thinks space is, well, good.

    Yes, he changed his name to Goodspaceguy. And yes, he's a habitual office-seeker. And yes, Goodspaceguy is a big, big proponent of orbital space colonization to escape catastrophic asteroids. All of these things are true.

    But here is the most shocking thing about Goodspaceguy. Just because he changed his name to advertise in one word what his one platform is, he’s not a one-issue candidate. He's also in favor of D.C. voting rights, increased investment in medical research and making Puerto Rico the 51st state.

    Those are pretty reasonable ideas! Of all the insane legislation our leaders have suggested or actually passed, Goodspaceguy is certainly notbadspace. He hasn't caused the Trail of Tears or expanded the use of missile-equipped drones in countries we're not at war with, at least not yet, so that's got to count for something. Sure, Goodspaceguy equates Seattle's public transportation to a high-class hooker, but he's also for walkable communities. If you met a human who came from a planet with no politics, would he or she think the ideas of an average sitting president sound sane?

    Basically what I’m trying to say is that frog-worship is no more ridiculous than Christianity, to an atheist. That’s all I’m saying. Well that, and Goodspaceguy is a third-party candidate in a hotly-contested race, because of course.

    Goodspaceguy photo via his awesome blog.

    Previously: Greg and Bobbie Gallas, "One-two ballot punch"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Goodspaceguy a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.


    Tags: One of a Kind Candidates, Washington
  • One of a Kind Candidate: Greg and Bobbie Gallas, School Board, Rochester, MN

    Let's just go straight to Rochester, Minnesota's Post-Bulletin, since they are doing a fine job at the jokey blog post thing:

    You've heard the story before. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl get married, have children and then run for and win seats on the Rochester School Board.

    The newspaper does not lie. Greg and Bobbie Gallas are both running for seats on the Rochester, MN school board. Not the same seat, that would make them weird, passive-aggressive marital monsters. They're just normal Minnesotans campaigning as a couple to take over almost a third of the local school board. However, Minnesotans pride themselves on being Minnesota Nice, but which is actually passive-aggressive–bordering on sociopathic–behavior. Kill them with kindness, if kindness is arsenic-laced Tater Tot hotdish.

    "We're not going to fight that we're not husband and wife because we are," a Gallas (who knows which one) told the Post-Bulletin. You see what I mean? Passive and respectful and honest. WHAT DARK SECRETS DO YOU HIDE, MINNESOTA?

    Also, it turns out there are other candidate couples. Romance in America is approving agenda minutes every other Tuesday at the municipal center, capped by a fundraising fish fry. Meanwhile, back in Rochester, the Gallases share a campaign website and will share campaign staff (their kids, maybe?), but they have separate donation tabs on their website. That's going to be awkward. We all see that, right?

    Photo via Greg Gallas' Facebook page

    Previously: Reggie Joule, "Big blanket candidate"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. and Mrs. Gallas a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.


    Tags: Minnesota, One of a Kind Candidates
  • One of a Kind Candidate: Reggie Joule, Mayor, Northwest Arctic Borough, AK

    Reggie JouleEight-term Alaska state representative Reggie Joule is stepping down from office to return home and run for mayor of the Northwest Arctic Borough, population 7,500. Ah, back to small-town life. In a small town that is larger than Indiana. America is bonkers.

    The Northwest Arctic Borough has a population density of zero, so if I understand statistics, those 7,500 people in the Northwest Arctic Borough don't exist. Go ahead, check the math. United we stand, divided we disappear, statistically speaking. Math jokes 2012!

    When I meet people outside of the U.S. and ask them what they think of our country, I expect them to rave about our freedoms (ha) or our flawless democracy (ha ha) or Michael Jackson : ( . But no, it's always the size they mention, like people too polite to say anything else when they see a friend's hideous baby. Say what you will about America: there is a lot of it. Rhode Island and Delaware could have multiple children in Joule's "borough" and still have room for Israel as an exchange student. And with this election, it could all be Joule's. He could stand on his porch in the morning, scan the horizon as far as the eye can see and think, "Yeahhh, Rhode Island and Delaware doing it."

    Sorry, I buried the lede. Here it is. Blanket tossing. Joule, an Inupiat Eskimo, is in the Alaska Sports Hall of Fame for winning 10 gold medals at the World Eskimo-Indian Games for blanket tossing, which is the most fun you can have on two feet with 40 hands and a giant blanket. He also won medals for sports like the two-foot high kick and the greased pole walk. I don’t think it's too much to ask that all elected officials do the two-foot high kick. Golf multiplied by professional poker is still less than the two-foot high kick. Math jokes/more math jokes 2012! (But nothing more complicated than long division. Don't be ridiculous.)

    Photo via Reggie Joule's Facebook page

    Previously: Joshua Smith, "Long shot hotshot"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Joule a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.


    Tags: Alaska, One of a Kind Candidates
  • One of a Kind Candidate: Joshua Smith, Florida Senate, Dade City, FL

    Young candidates are so fascinating. What compels them to run, and what makes them think they have the political chestnuts to make decisions that can affect millions? Fill us in, 22-year-old Joshua Smith from Dade City, Florida!

    "The Florida Democratic Party needed someone to run… and if I was willing to do it, they would pay my qualifying fee," Smith said. Oh, well, sure. Okay.

    To be fair, Smith is active in the local Democratic Party and seems genuinely interested in building a career in politics. But nobody operates in fairness any more, because of Communism. Ever vigilant.

    Smith, a University of South Florida student and part-time teacher, got a phone call from the Democratic Party, which was in a pinch to field a candidate for state Senate in District 18, a GOP stronghold. His opponent is Republican Wilton Simpson, an egg farm owner who has already raised $220,000, is running television ads, and presumably has the breakfast-eater demo locked up.

    But Smith is not discouraged, saying he sees this race as a "foot in the door." You hear that, Democrats? You've got fresh-faced talent willing to carry the party flag despite long odds. Nurture him! Mold him! Or, you know, break his spirit and steel him for inevitable defeat. As Matt Murphy, the Democrat who talked Smith into running, told The Tampa Bay Times: "I don't think [Simpson] will be too worried."

    What a shame. If the kid isn't going to get real votes, at least give him a vote of confidence–you don't even need to go to the polls for that. You can phone it in, literally. Just call Smith and say something like, "We value you as human and as a contributor to this planet and/or political party." Manners, people!

    Reached for comment by the same reporter, Smith summed up his bid: "At the very least, the Democrats of Pasco have somebody representing them." Gah, his honesty and aw-shucks fatalism are so endearing they should be illegal. Good people of Florida, please don't hurt him! Why, he's just a baby… a baby shaking hands and kissing babies.

    Photo by Mirko Stelzner/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

    Previously: Zoe Economou, "Buzzworthy candidate"

    Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Smith a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:

    Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.


    Tags: Democrats, Florida, One of a Kind Candidates, Republicans