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  • The Onion: Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands of Helpless Citizens from Marriages After Obama Drops Defense of Marriage Act

    The day they always warned us about has finally arrived

    Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals.

    "It was just awful — they smashed through our living room window, one of them said 'I've had my eye on you, Roger,' and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming," said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 8/7c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: Barack Obama, DOMA, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion
  • The Onion: Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator

    The Onion News Network reports on some very exciting news. No, like, very exciting. Are you listening to me? Everybody stop and listen to me. Come on, guys, this is important. This is exciting, I'm telling you. I'm telling you! Oh, what was I saying?

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: Onion Sportsdome, Senate, The Onion
  • The Onion: Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took to Legalize Gay Marriage'

    The Onion reports from the year 2083

    The classroom of 15-year-olds at MacArthur High School — all of whom were born in the late 2060s and grew up never questioning the obvious fact that homosexual couples deserve the right to get married — were reportedly "amazed" to learn in their Modern U.S. History: 2081 Edition textbooks that as late as the 2020s, gays and lesbians actually had to fight for the constitutional right to wed.

    "Wow, that is nuts," said student Jeremy Golliver, who claimed he knew gay rights was a struggle "like, a hundred years ago" but didn't realize it lasted so long. "It's really embarrassing, when you think about it. Just the fact that people in this century were actually saying things like, 'No, gays should not be allowed to marry,' and were getting all up in arms about it, as if homosexuals weren't full citizens or something. It's insane."

    "I mean, was everybody just a huge bigot back then or what?" Golliver added…

    "If they thought it was the right thing to do, why didn't President Clinton or Obama or whoever just say, 'Hey, discriminating against gay people is wrong, so let's let them get married'?" said Pete Merriam, 15, who was born in an age with no death penalty and with nationwide approval of a woman's right to choose. "I get that they wanted to be reelected or whatever, but come on. That is so stupid."

    Of course, this was before the Glorious Bovine Uprising, when humans were still interested in issue such as marriage equality instead of how to make their flesh most juicy and flavorful for their uddered overlords.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion
  • The Onion: Republicans Vote to Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed for Earth

    Seems like Obama, once again, has failed to sufficiently reach across the aisle and seek bipartisan support for a major bill

    In a strong rebuke of President Obama and his domestic agenda, all 242 House Republicans voted Wednesday to repeal the Asteroid Destruction and American Preservation Act, which was signed into law last year to destroy the immense asteroid currently hurtling toward Earth…

    "The voters sent us to Washington to stand up for individual liberty, not big government," Rep. Steve King (R-IA) said at a press conference. "Obama's plan would take away citizens' fundamental freedoms, forcing each of us into hastily built concrete bunkers and empowering the federal government to ration our access to food, water, and potassium iodide tablets while underground."

    "We believe that the decisions of how to deal with the massive asteroid are best left to the individual," King added.

    Repealing the act, which opponents have branded 'Obamastroid,' has been the cornerstone of the GOP agenda since the law's passage last August. Throughout the 2010 elections, Republican candidates claimed that the Democrats' plan to smash the space rock and shield citizens from its fragments was "a classic example of the federal government needlessly interfering in the lives of everyday Americans."

    The way I see it, our Founding Fathers didn't write the Constitution with the intent of sending "a dozen high-thrust plasma impactor probes to shatter [a] massive asteroid before it strikes the planet"!

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: Barack Obama, House of Representatives, Onion Sportsdome, Republicans, Senate, The Onion
  • The Onion: New Congressional Intern Disillusioned with Politics and Democracy in Record 6 Minutes, 41 Seconds

    The Onion reports on a new congressional record!

    Once-idealistic Penn State senior Marc Leitman set a congressional internship record Tuesday when, within seven minutes of his arrival on Capitol Hill, he became hopelessly disillusioned with American politics, having overheard his sponsoring senator offer a government contract to a construction company in exchange for free home renovations.

    "I didn't even get a chance to introduce myself before he demonstrated how shamelessly the politicians in this town put their own needs above those of their constituents," a crestfallen Leitman said. "This whole damn town stinks to high heaven and I haven't even had my lunch break yet."

    The previous record for political disenchantment by a congressional intern was set in 2004 by University of Texas student Kerri Donovan, whose breasts were groped by her representative at the 09:54.00 mark.

    Way to go, America! We knew we could do it!

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: House of Representatives, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion