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  • The Onion: Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers

    It's been almost a decade now. I can't believe we're only now getting around to honoring these true American heroes

    In an act that many are calling long overdue, Congress passed legislation this week to honor those Americans who were first on the scene to profit from the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001.

    The so-called 9/11 First Capitalizers Act, which passed by a wide margin in both the House and Senate, is the first measure to recognize the utter lack of sacrifice on the part of those men and women who did not hesitate to put their own personal agendas above all else when it mattered most…

    The bill not only honors those who rushed to Ground Zero immediately to sell merchandise, participate in photo ops, or advance an ideological agenda, but also those who profited from afar by producing jingoistic songs and TV specials, or mentioning 9/11 in stump speeches as a way of scaring people into voting for them.

    Among those Americans recognized were "United We Stand" T-shirt manufacturer Gary Tabano, country artists Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood, Halliburton CEO David Lesar, filmmaker Oliver Stone, former president George W. Bush, and 89 members of Congress itself.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central.

    Tags: 9/11, George W. Bush, House of Representatives, Money, Movies, Music, Onion Sportsdome, Senate, Terrorism, The Onion, World Trade Center
  • The Onion: Revamped WPA to Create 50,000 New Jobs by Disassembling, Reassembling Hoover Dam

    The Onion reports on some positive news in America's fight to lower unemployment and boost the economy

    In an effort to boost the economy and promote job growth, representatives from the newly revived Works Progress Administration announced Thursday their plan to dismantle, piece by piece, the 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete forming the Hoover Dam, and then immediately rebuild it.

    "This is a vital initiative," said WPA director Ted Doogan, who was appointed last week. "Systematically tearing down such a massive edifice will create at least 25,000 jobs over the next five years. And then reassembling it, using all the same pieces in the exact same configuration, will employ another 25,000 workers. America is back."

    Hey, it created jobs the first time it was built, so the logic behind this seems pretty sound. In fact, this should actually do twice as much good.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central, starting January 11.

    Tags: Economy, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion, Unemployment
  • The Onion: Harry Reid Sleeping with Mitch McConnell's Wife in 1986 at Core of Senate Gridlock

    The Onion drills down and uncovers the true reason that the U.S. Senate can't get anything done

    In a stunning disclosure this week, congressional sources revealed that the acrimonious gridlock in the U.S. Senate traces its origins to a single November evening in 1986, when Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) engaged in sexual intercourse with Sen. Mitch McConnell's (R-KY) then-wife, Sherrill.

    "The impenetrable stalemate on crucial issues is not due to a widening ideological divide between parties, as we once thought," said Brookings Institution senior fellow Sarah Binder. "Rather, this inability to move the legislative process forward stems almost exclusively from a jealous and resentful Mitch McConnell, who has been unable to erase the mental image of Harry Reid pleasuring his wife one wild, passionate night some 25 years ago."

    "It's been the elephant in the room for decades, and frankly, neither senator is willing to just man up and bury the hatchet," Binder added. "Unfortunately, our democracy continues to suffer the consequences."

    And, on the House side of things, turns out Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner had once fought and clawed over the same putrefying buffalo carcass back on the Serengeti. It's funny how incapable we are of escaping the past.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central, starting January 11.

    Tags: Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, Onion Sportsdome, Senate, Sex, The Onion
  • The Onion: House Democrats Forced to Move All Their Things Back into Disgusting Minority Locker Room

    Look, it's bad enough for congressional Democrats that they've completely lost control of legislation in the House. But nobody ever talks about this

    Suffering their greatest indignity since losing their majority in the midterm elections, House Democrats were forced this week to move all their personal belongings back into the filthy and dilapidated minority locker room, disgusted representatives confirmed Monday.

    "This place sucks. We have to share lockers, and the latches on the bathroom stalls don't work so you have to hold the door shut," said Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), adding that the House majority locker room has nice carpeting, leather furniture, places to hang their suits, and a Jacuzzi. "Plus, the floors are always wet, and it smells like piss. Who's pissing everywhere?"

    House Democrats also reported finding a dirty pair of Champion shorts belonging to Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) and a wall covered in graffiti reading "Fuck Americans!"

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central, starting January 11.

    Tags: Democrats, Dennis Kucinich, House of Representatives, Onion Sportsdome, The Onion
  • The Onion: Terry Jones — Could Have at Least Manned Up and Burned One Koran

    Pastor Terry Jones — who I'm pretty sure is not the guy who was in Monty Python but then, what with ?all the quantum physics around these days, again maybe he was, hey, wouldn't it be crazy if he was the same guy, huh? — has made The Onion's list of People Who Mattered in 2010

    With the gaze of the whole world fixed on his small Gainesville, FL–based Dove World Outreach Center this Sept. 11, Pastor Terry Jones shocked an anxious media by calling off his threat to burn 200 copies of the Koran, which is bullshit, really, because the guy should have at least had the balls to torch one measly copy. Right?

    If Jones, or anyone, wants to get a few hundred million people all riled up on the anniversary of a major national tragedy by saying he's going to burn a Koran, he'd better step up to the goddamn plate and burn a fucking Koran.

    Onion Sportsdome airs Tuesdays at 10:30 pm / 9:30 c on Comedy Central, starting January 11.

    Tags: 9/11, Christianity, Islam, Onion Sportsdome, Religion, Terry Jones, The Onion, World Trade Center