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Oregon
  • Portland Police Re-Open the Case of Al Gore's Crazed Sex Poodle Penis

    Unfortunately for everyone who is unexcited about being forced to imagine the gelatinous girth of Al Gore roiling about atop an unwilling human person (and for everyone else, congratulations!), the Portland, Oregon police are re-opening the "crazed sex poodle" scandal that is currently about to start rocking the nation!

    Portland police said Wednesday that they will reopen and investigate a massage therapist's allegations that former Vice President Al Gore sexually assaulted her at a downtown hotel in October 2006…

    Records that police released last week revealed that Portland sex assault investigators took a detailed statement from Hagerty in January 2009 but never investigated it and closed the case, citing "insufficient evidence."

    Molly Hagerty — the allegedly aggrieved masseuse — is claiming that she has surveillance camera footage of an assault upon her personage by the former Vice President and a pair of her pants full of his DNA. (That, by the way, is the most unsavory use of the acronym "DNA" that you'll see for quite some time.)

    "Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator. He’s not what people think he is — he's a sick man!"

    Don't know if this is true, but even if it is, should it really come as a shock to anyone? Isn't that just part of the green lifestyle he advocates? Spreading a bunch of seed around?


    Tags: Al Gore, National Enquirer, Oregon, Sex
  • Remind Me Not to Go on a Bender in Portland, Oregon

    I really hate to rock the boat with my super-unpopular opinions, but I'm gonna have to say that I'm kinda not in favor of city legislatures imposing 1900% taxes on alcoholic beverages

    Four Portland legislators joined a Springfield senator to introduce Oregon House Bill 2461, which would impose a $49.61 tax on each barrel of beer produced by Oregon brewers…

    The bill's language defends the tax by arguing alcoholism and “untreated substance abuse” costs the state $4.15 billion in lost earnings as well as more than $8 million for health care and nearly $1 billion in law enforcement-related expenditures.

    I know everyone's gonna jump all over me for this one, but this just seems a tad bit reactionary to me.

    Maybe it's just because I live in New York City where a 1900% pay hike would translate into a $114 pint of beer at your average Manhattan bar.

    And that's slightly more than I generally feel like paying.


    Tags: Alcohol, Oregon
  • Oregon Senator Gordon Smith Joins Unemployment Line

    AP has called it

    Jeff Merkley has unseated Republican Incumbent Gordon Smith. 82% of precincts have been counted in the Beaver State.

    This victory puts the Democrats in control of 56 votes in the Senate, which means they'll still need four Republican votes to crossover to drum out Senate felon Ted Stevens (R-Attica), should he win.

    Stevens still has a slight lead in the 220,000 ballots cast, which is about one voter from every buck in he received in housing renovations.


    Tags: Gordon Smith, Jeff Merkley, Oregon, Senate
  • Oregon, Minnesota Senate Races Still Too Close to Call

    Have a nice night of partying, President-Elect Obama.  Remember to have a drink on your fellow Senators Gordon Smith (R-OR) and Norm Coleman (R-MN), who remain stationed in their Fox News-outfitted bunkers, awaiting their fate.

    * Smith is trailing State Representative Jeff Merkley, 48% to 47% with just under half the precincts reporting.

    * Coleman is tied with Saturday Night Live funnyman Al (O')Franken, 42% apiece with 69% of the precincts reporting.

    If Smith and Coleman are returned to the Senate, they can reunite with fellow GOP incumbents Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins, both of whom survived strong challenges from Democrats.

    And if they lose, they will have ample vacation opportunities.  Space undoubtedly awaits them at the consistently-vacant North Carolina home of new loser Liddy Dole or at the massive new wing in Ted Stevens' Anchorage home.

    Now if they choose the latter location, they shouldn't stay too long.  When Stevens gets back from jail, he's going to be extra crotchety.


    Tags: Al Franken, Gordon Smith, Jeff Merkley, Minnesota, Norm Coleman, Oregon
  • Udall Cousins Ascendent

    OK, guess who? They've already been in Washington as Congressmen. Their fathers, Mo and Stew, were major Beltway power players of an earlier generation. And now they're getting returned to DC as Senators.

    It's the Udall cousins, Mark and Tom! From Colorado and New Mexico, respectively, they are now forecast to be elected to two Senate seats left open by retiring Republican Senators. Isn't that cute? We hope they get an apartment together. Oh wait, they already have one.

    It remains to be seen if the family magic will hold for their cousin, Sen. Gordon Smith of Oregon. Smith is on the wrong side of tonight's momentum, as an incumbent Republican, and he may well fall to Democratic challenger Jeff Merkley.

    Also, we just feel obliged to mention this . . . all three cousins are Mormons. Is it OK to mention that? We mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. There are lots of major Mormon politicians, like Mitt Romney and Harry Reid!

    Wait, actually that's kind of bizarre.


    Tags: Colorado, Gordon Smith, House of Representatives, New Mexico, Oregon, Senate