Gordon Smith to Masquerade as Howard Dean Until Election Day

Senator Gordon Smith (R-OR) has a new strategy to save his targeted seat from a wave of anti-GOP outrage: Pretend to be a liberal Democrat…

In the state where President Bush has his lowest popularity ratings in the nation, the incumbent Republican senator is reaching across the aisle and groping for the coattails of Barack Obama.

Sen. Gordon Smith, a two-term moderate in a state with a history of embracing centrist Republicans such as Mark Hatfield, has put the Democratic candidate for president in not one, not two, but three of his television ads.

Smith is also running ads featuring liberal Massachusetts Senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry. One even suggests that Oregon's other Senator, Democrat Ron Wyden, is somehow endorsing Smith over challenger Jeff Merkley, prompting Wyden to demand the ad's removal.

And then there are the requisite smears…

The most notorious spot showed Merkley sloppily eating a hot dog while answering a question from the Republican operative who was filming him about the Russian invasion of Georgia. The words "Need a moment?" appear on-screen.

The spot, made by the National Republican Senatorial Committee, aired so relentlessly that Smith eventually condemned it. His own ads paint Merkley as hard on seniors and soft on rapists.

But since neither negativity nor liberal impersonations have helped Smith's sagging poll numbers, the only remaining option is to combine the two.

Accordingly, look for the Senator to spend this final week of the campaign attending church with Jeremiah Wright, windsurfing on Nantucket and exposing himself to a state trooper.

And then airing ads attacking himself for such pathetic behavior.

Tags: Gordon Smith, Oregon

Yes, We Can!… Hang Barack Obama in Effigy

Well, we knew that race would be a huge factor in this race, and that the Democrats were taking a big risk by nominating, for the first time ever, an African-American for the presidency. But we never thought it would come to this.

Barack Obama has been lynched. In effigy. By college students. In Oregon.

Yes, you heard that right. Oregon was supposed to be friendly territory for Obama, and certainly college students are supposed to be his biggest fans. And yet here they are, lynching him in effigy!

It seems that four students at George Fox University, a Christian college in Newberg, Oregon, have confessed to the lynching, which took place on a tree on campus. They are now being investigated by the FBI for a possible hate crimes indictment.

I thought that lynching was a thing of the past, but apparently in 2008 it's a part of presidential politics. And the reality is that this is solely Obama's burden to bear, because no similar threat exists for John McCain.

Well, I guess someone could pull the plug on him.

Tags: Barack Obama, Oregon

More Republicans Busy Washing Their Hair During RNC

Call it mob mentality. Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts has joined the list of Republicans skipping their party's convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul on account of a tight re-election campaign.

Roberts is the sixth big name Republican to dis John McCain on his special night, thus making this a full-blown trend -– one that threatens to become as popular as taking money from Jack Abramoff was in 2004!

Here's a rundown of who's ducked out so far…

Kansas Sen. Pat Roberts
Wound up campaigning in the wrong Minneapolis this past week.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins
Will be hosting a talk radio gossip show on the topic of John Edwards's alleged illegitimate daughter.

Oregon Sen. Gordon Smith
Given that he's now running desperate TV ads featuring Barack Obama and John Kerry, he may try to sneak into the Democratic convention instead.

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens
Hedging his bets that he'll already be in jail by then.

North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole
Still bitter when it comes to the topic of presidential nominations.

Vice President Dick Cheney
Numerous daytime events and possible exposure to garlic in the catering spreads make the convention a mortal danger for him.

That's six prominent Republicans down and there's still two weeks 'til the convention. I just hope Joe Lieberman has a lot of material prepared.

Tags: Alaska, Dick Cheney, Elizabeth Dole, Gordon Smith, Kansas, Maine, North Carolina, Oregon, RNC, Senate, Susan Collins, Ted Stevens

RIP Steve Novick: America's Littlest, Most Lethal Candidate

While most short candidates for public office with hooks for hands try and distract attention from their appearance by buying big campaign buses or picking up hot young running mates, Oregon political activist and senatorial candidate has compensated for his 1950s Disney animated piratical frame for it by producing the best ad of the campaign season, by far:

Unfortunately, his loss in Tuesday's primary means that Oregon will likely have to wait another six years before it has a senator with nearly as good crocodile access.

Tags: Oregon

Barack Obama Rides the Coattails of Mildly Popular Indie Band

So, remember that crowd of 75,000 people who gathered together in Portland, Oregon over the weekend to hear Barack Obama speak?

Well, now it looks like most of those people were probably there to see The Decemberists — that incredibly famous band that your poetry-writing nephew listens to — who opened for the little-known senator from Illinois.

And the rest were there to hail godless allegiance to the Soviet Union, which will rise again from the ashes of glasnost.

That explains so much about last night's primaries. Those people in Orgegon probably thought they were voting for Josef Stalin. Or whatever that lead singer guy's name is.

Tags: Barack Obama, Oregon