Hillary Clinton Is Totally Going to Be the Next Supreme Court Appointee, Totally

Well, the SCOTUS rumors have already started to fly, and a lot of them are kind of silly. But this one here from Sen. Orrin Hatch is one that's so serious and so not-any-kind-of-conservative-shit-stirring that I hesitate to even call it a rumor at all…

Sen. Orrin Hatch says he's heard Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's name mentioned in connection with the Supreme Court vacancy brought about by the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens.

Hatch didn't elaborate in an interview Monday. Appearing with Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy on NBC's "Today" show, the Utah Republican said only, "I heard Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's name today and that would be an interesting person in the mix."

Hillary Clinton? Hmmmm… That would be an interesting person in the mix. Do you know whose I heard today? William Ayers. (Just now, when I was reading aloud as I typed.) I think that would be an interesting person in the mix.

Oh, and Michael Moore. That would also be an interesting person in the mix.

What about that fat transvestite from all those John Waters movies? Is she still alive? Who cares, doesn't matter. She would be a very interesting person in the mix.

Tags: Hillary Clinton, John Paul Stevens, Orrin Hatch, Senate, Supreme Court, Utah

The Onion: U.S. Economy Grinds to Halt as Nation Realizes Money Just a Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

The Onion reports on a matter of some mild economic concern…

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed [Federal Reserve chairman Ben] Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it — the money, our whole economy — it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.

This is precisely the reason I got rid of all my money a few months ago and started investing in Glenn Beck commemorative chinaware.

Tags: Ben Bernanke, Economy, Federal Reserve, Money, Orrin Hatch, Senate, The Onion

Orrin Hatch's "Hip Hop" Hanukkah Song Is Totally "Hip Hop"

Here's another one of those "hip hop" songs about Hanukkah, written by a Mormon senator from Utah for you to watch.

I'll tell you, if there's three things the Internet loves, it's cats being cute, babies who laugh and "hip hop" songs about Hanukkah, written by Mormon senators from Utah…

(via Videogum)

Tags: Hanukkah, Jewish, Mormon, Music, Orrin Hatch, Religion, Utah

Orrin Hatch: Health Care Bill Will Be Fought with Embarrassing Hyperbole

Were you wondering how Senate Republicans were planning to respond to Harry Reid's never-ever-in-a-million-years-gonna-pass proposed health care bill?

Were you really? You probably shouldn't have been wondering…

Republicans, who have criticized the Democrats' initiative as a step toward government control of the healthcare system, are already planning a series of delaying tactics, including forcing the entire bill to be read aloud on the Senate floor.

"It's going to be a holy war," Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) said Wednesday evening.

All right! A good ol' fashioned holy war, just like they used to do it in the olden days. I'ma go grab my filabustin' stick!

Tags: Harry Reid, Health Care, Orrin Hatch, Republicans, Senate

Daily Show: CNN Fact Checks SNL, Not Politicians

CNN must be stopped. Just when you think they can't get any dumber, they reach levels of dumbness that can't be described with human language. If this shit keeps up, I'm going to have to start painting murals or doing interpretive dances to convey how head-explodingly inept these clowns are.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Aasif Mandvi, Anderson Cooper, CNN, John Oliver, Jon Kyl, Jon Stewart, Orrin Hatch, Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show