Gather around, children. It may be the day after Halloween, but the truly scary day is still creeping up toward us in less than a week, so I — Barack Obama, the President of the United States — am going to tell you a true terrifying tale of terroristic proportions that will chill you to the very bone.
It's about an evil man who did an unthinkably evil deed, and so I killed him with my bare hands. Now, he haunts my dreams by illegally contributing to my reelection campaign…
Using a Pakistani Internet Protocol and proxy server, a disposable credit card and a fake address, "Osama bin Laden" has successfully donated twice to Barack Obama’s presidential re-election campaign.
The "Bin Laden" donations, actually made by [WorldNetDaily] staff, included a listed occupation of "deceased terror chief" and a stated employer of "al-Qaida."
Wait a minute. It's not a ghost? But the address given for the donation was: 911 Jihad Way, Abbottabad, CA — oh, OK. I get it now. It's just some conservatives trying to prove my campaign website's verification system needs to be strengthened. Thank goodness. I was really worried there for a moment. What's that you say? Accepting donations from foreign nationals is illegal and I have to give the money back? That's the scariest thing I've ever heard!
Photo by Win McNamee/Staff/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Osama bin Laden, Republicans, WorldNetDaily
There are lots of ways for Obamabots to answer the question "Are you better off than you were fours years ago?" Some note that Jersey Shore is dead and Arrested Development is alive. Others point to the improving employment picture. Joe Biden puts it most piquantly: "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive." But who deserves credit for these events?
According to a Public Policy Polls survey of Ohio voters, 38% of Ohio Republicans say Barack Obama is most responsible for the bin Laden's death, 15% say Romney, and 47% were unsure. The results were similar in North Carolina, where 29% of Republicans said Obama deserves more credit, versus 15% Romney and 56% unsure.
There's not much in Romney's foreign policy that can be credited for bin Laden's demise, but maybe his anti-porn stance is what drove the al Queda mastermind into the path of a Navy SEAL's bullet. A connoisseur of smut, what else could bin Laden do when confronted with Romney's plan to take away his Internet access to Weapons of Ass Destruction IV?
It's also possible that these majorities of Republican voters who refuse to credit Obama with the Bin Laden's killing aren't really answering the question that's being put to them, just as many Republicans translate questions about Obama's faith into questions about how much they hate the president. For many voters, telling a pollster that President Obama is a Muslim who doesn't deserve credit for the country's most visible recent military achievement is just another way of saying that Obama sucks.
But that can't be every voter. Somewhere in Ohio or North Carolina, there's a guy who thinks SEAL Team Six arrived in Pakistan's on Romney's charter plane and shot bin Laden using equipment financed by Romney's off-shore accounts. And that guy's vote counts just as much as yours.
Photo by Toni L. Sandys/The Washington Post – Contributor/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Foreign Policy, Mitt Romney, North Carolina, Ohio, Osama bin Laden, Polls, Republicans
* Conan O'Brien calls out President Obama for trying to be cool.
* Bullies make a NSFW case for bullying in America.
* The list of people capable of bumping Joe Biden.
* Antonio Villaraigoso's little d, from HaHaJK.
* Ads the candidates only wish they could run.
* The Onion makes a prediction of what's on tonight's DNC schedule.
* Michelle Obama is officially the Queen of Twitter.
* The internet digs up the best political slogan ever.
* Here's a white guy rapping for Mitt Romney, just in case you hate your ears.
* If you watched the above video, look at this in silence for several minutes.
Tags: Conan O'Brien, Daily Links, Democratic National Convention, Funny or Die, Joe Biden, Michelle Obama, Mitt Romney, Osama bin Laden, The Onion, Twitter, Wonkette
Remember, it was the troops who got Bin Laden, not Obama. Unlike the way George Washington singlehandedly strangled the whole British Army.
— JRehling (@JRehling) June 20, 2012
Tags: American Revolution, Barack Obama, George Washington, Osama bin Laden, Tweet Untweet, Twitter