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  • U.S.-Pakistani Relations Requires a Good Osama bin Laden Conspiracy Theory

    Is there any problem that a halfway decent conspiracy theory can't fix? Probably not. Just ask the cryogenically frozen brains of founding fathers George Washington and Ronald Reagan. (Oh, you doubt that Reagan was present at our nation's founding? Then what did he use his time machine for, smart guy?)

    Coverage continues with Resident Expert John Hodgman and his big brain after the jump.

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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    Tags: al Qaeda, CIA, Conspiracies, Indonesia, John Hodgman, John Kerry, Jon Stewart, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Spying, The Daily Show, Video
  • John Kerry, Marriage Counselor

    It’s no secret that Pakistan’s once-idyllic marriage to the United States has been troubled of late. For one thing, Pakistan maybe, possibly, potentially, sorta kinda might have knowingly harbored Osama bin Laden for a really long time — you know, since that’s where U.S. forces found him and killed his crazy ass the other week. And for another thing, American sky robots keep killing the shit out of Pakistani civilians in their creepily medieval and misogynist yet highly scenic border regions.

    Also, the U.S. has always had this intense flirtation with India, the sexier post-Partition sister, and Pakistan gets totes jealz. Can this marriage be saved?

    Noted therapist John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) is determined to set things right

    "In the Congress, this is a make-or-break moment" for aid to Pakistan, Mr. Kerry said in an interview just before he left for Afghanistan and Pakistan. Mr. Kerry said he would tell Pakistan that there needed to be "a real demonstration of commitment" to fighting terrorist groups in the next few months. But he will also reassure Pakistani officials that they will be a central part of any political accord with the Taliban in Afghanistan, to ease their fears that India will take over large areas of Afghanistan as the United States pulls out.

    Kerry will also coach the United States and Pakistan through the creation of their respective vision boards, using headlines and images from the cache of old National Geographic and YM magazines Kerry keeps in his briefcase at all times. Through the use of safety scissors, glitter, pastels, crayons, and sparkly glue, these two estranged spouses will collage their way to renewed love and devotion.

    Or, you know, declare war. One or the other.

    Photo by Aamir Qureshi/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: John Kerry, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan
  • Pakistan Won't Effing Stop Leaking CIA Agents' Names

    In the unending, blood-soaked high school drama that is the relationship between the United States and Pakistan, the latter country’s Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) has issued one more bitchylunch-table smackdown.

    Except instead of ruining someone’s chances for Prom Queen, Pakistan’s move could, you know, lead to the injury or death of a top-secret CIA official in Islamabad

    For the second time in five months, the Pakistani authorities have angered the Central Intelligence Agency by tipping the Pakistani news media to the identity of the C.I.A. station chief in Islamabad, a deliberate effort to complicate the work of the American spy agency in the aftermath of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, American officials said.

    The leak demonstrated the tilt toward a near adversarial relationship between the C.I.A. and the Pakistani spy agency, the Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate, or ISI, since the Bin Laden raid. It appeared to be intended to show the leverage the Pakistanis retain over American interests in the country, both sides said.

    Here’s a wacky thought, gleaned from our (very recent) four years in sweaty, hormonal secondary school. When your "friend" protects and enables someone who really hurt you (hi, Dead Osama) and continually gives out your most important secrets to everybody else in the whole wide world, it’s time to stop calling her a friend. Call her what she really is: a stone-cold, backstabbing whore.

    Or, you know, a threat to the safety and security of the United States. Either/or!

    Tags: al Qaeda, CIA, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Spying, Terrorism
  • Pakistan Totally Didn't Notice Osama, They Promise

    Let's say you've got a toddler. Maybe you already do! Let's take your hypothetical toddler on a walk where (oh no!) it is bitten badly by a nasty dog with a reputation for attacking little kids all over the neighborhood. And then, boom! The dog disappears. You'd hunt for the dog, right? You might even enlist the help of your neighbors in hunting for that dog. Now flash forward ten years. Your toddler is a stupid, fat fourth-grader (this is America, after all). One day, you find out the dog that bit your kid is STILL ALIVE and, in fact, has been living in the spare bedroom of one of the buddies who "helped" you search for it all those years ago.

    "Hey, friend," you'd say to the buddy in question. "What gives?"

    "Haha, oops!" he'd say. "I didn't know the dog was there in my guest bedroom, an easily-accessible and very nice room literally right next to my own bedroom! LOL! Can we still be friendsies?"

    And that, in one terrible extended metaphor, is the state of America's relationship with Pakistan. Here is a slightly smarter, more nuanced version of events as provided by your New York Times

    The United States government is demanding to know whether, and to what extent, Pakistani government, intelligence or military officials were complicit in hiding Bin Laden. His widows could be critical to that line of inquiry because they might have information about the comings and goings of people who were aiding him.

    "We have asked for access," [national security adviser] Mr. Donilon said on the CNN program "State of the Union," "including three wives who they now have in custody from the compound, as well as additional materials that they took from the compound."

    The request had echoes of previous struggles with Islamabad, starting with the days right after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Then, the United States insisted that Pakistan clearly choose sides and join the United States in fighting Al Qaeda, and Pakistan formally broke ties with the Taliban government, which was still in power in Afghanistan. But ever since, Washington has frequently lost out in its efforts to seek information about the loyalties and actions of top Pakistani officials.

    So good luck with squeezing any info out of your neighbor! Sure, you had the dog put down, but you're never gonna find out who paid for its chew toys and wee-wee pads and organic free-range doggie biscuits for the past 10 frigging years.

    Here's a thought, though: maybe stop inviting that neighbor to dinner parties. And, you know, giving him shitloads of money every time he asks.

    Photo via Getty Images

    Tags: al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Terrorism
  • Stephen Colbert Throws His Long-Awaited "We Got Bin Laden" Party

    From The CC Insider

    Obviously, everyone was really excited when the news broke that Osama bin Laden had been killed. I haven't seen people this happy about a death since that lawyer got eaten in Jurassic Park. But no one was perhaps more thrilled by the news than Stephen Colbert, who had been planning his party for nine years…

    Stephen's coverage of Osama bin Laden's death continues below.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

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    Tags: Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Stephen Colbert, Terrorism, The Colbert Report, Video