One would think that in a situation like this, our common human decency would have us responding to news of the violent end of a human life with stoicism and sobriety, and yet…
It's kind of hard to stoically chant "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" while soberly hanging upside-down from a lamp post at Ground Zero.
Coverage continues after the jump.
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Tags: Aasif Mandvi, al Qaeda, Barack Obama, Correspondents' Dinner, Donald Trump, Jason Jones, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Samantha Bee, Seth Meyers, Terrorism, The Daily Show
My God, can you believe it? We managed to kill this one purportedly-enfeebled cave-dwelling refugee figurehead in just less than a decade!
We did it! We effin' did it!
President Obama announced late Sunday that Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al Qaeda responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks, was killed in a firefight during an operation he ordered Sunday inside Pakistan, ending a 10-year manhunt for the world’s most wanted terrorist. American officials were in possession of his body, he said.
President Obama said that on Sunday, a small team of U.S. operatives launched a "targeted assault" on a compound in the Pakistani city of Abbottabad where months of intelligence work had established that Mr. Bin Laden was living. Mr. Bin Laden was killed after a firefight, and the troops took custody of his body.
It feels good to know that the United States has now officially won the war on terrorism. No more terrorism! Forever! We win! We win!!
(Photo via AFP/Getty Images)
Tags: al Qaeda, Barack Obama, CIA, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Terrorism
What-oh! There's a storm a-brewin' between American and Pakistani intelligence agencies. Perhaps it's more accurate to say "a storm has been a-brewin' forever and is now raining medium-size balls of hail which will eventually get bigger and bigger until each hail ball weighs as much as a monster truck." Here's why…
The Central Intelligence Agency's top clandestine officer in Islamabad was pulled from the country on Thursday amid an escalating war of recriminations between American and Pakistani spies, with some American officials convinced that the officer's cover was deliberately blown by Pakistan's military intelligence agency.
Ooh… yeah. That… that'll do it. And the timing couldn't have been more awkward, coming as it did on the same day Obama presented the Afghanistan-Pakistan Annual Review.
So, how did the identity of this top-secret superspy come to be known? He was "named publicly in a legal complaint sent to Pakistani police this week by the family of victims of the spy agency’s campaign of drone strikes in Pakistan’s tribal areas."
This begs another question: How exactly did a family in a remote tribal area discover the name of Jimmy Bond (haha, that is not his name, but imagine if it were!) in the first place?
But the officials said there is strong suspicion that operatives of Pakistan's powerful spy service, the Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence, had a hand in revealing the C.I.A. officer’s identity — possibly in retaliation for a civil lawsuit filed in Brooklyn last month implicating the I.S.I. chief in the Mumbai terror attacks of November 2008.
Jeez. What is the chance the I.S.I. and C.I.A. are going to be invited to each other's ugly Christmas sweater parties this year? Probably about as good as the chance that the U.S. will stop bombing the fuck out of rural Pakistan anytime in the next five to ten years.
Tags: CIA, Military, Pakistan, Spying
This week, the White House totally went all "Mean Girls" on a bunch of international visitors at the Diplomatic Corps Reception and left them out in the cold, grody Washington, D.C. afternoon. Approximately 30 diplomats showed up with their IDs and everything, but the White House bouncer was all, "Um, you're not cool enough, maybe try Ben's Chili Bowl or the Starbucks at the Hyatt instead, losers." Well, okay, he didn't say that out loud, but you know it's what he was thinking when he pretended that the guest list had gotten all effed up.
Here's how the White House tried to cover their classic Queen Bitch move…
"At the start of the reception for Chiefs of Mission and Charges d'Affaires, a few guests were delayed at the entrance to the White House due to an error in processing their personal data," said Ben Chang, a spokesman for the National Security Council. "While eventually resolved, we regret that some departed due to the delay and apologize to those inconvenienced."
Like the popular teen head cheerleaders to whom he is most often compared, Pakistani ambassador Husain Haqqani* was all, "Eff this, I'm outtie!" and totally bounced. Joining him was fellow scorned hottie Hunaina bint Sultan bin Ahmad al-Mughairi, the ambassador from Oman. Everybody knows that Hunaina bint Sultan bin Ahmad al-Mughairi is a total B-lister. Besides, her peaceful, prosperous "country" is 75% Ibadhi Muslim, which is some kind of Islam that isn't Shia or Sunni and which therefore does not exist.
Now, if this actually wasn't all a snotty social ploy by Barack Obama, the White House really looks lame. Next time, the guy who runs the door should just print out the "Yes" list straight from the Facebook event invite. That's what we do, and our last party was a rousing success. We didn't diss Hunaina bint Sultan bin Ahmad al-Mughairi, that's for damn sure. She seriously had the best time ever, or at least that's what she said on our Facebook Wall the next day.
Update: It has come to our attention that Hunaina bint Sultan bin Ahmad al-Mughairi's pronouns were all Bowie-esquely sexually confused. The problem has been corrected. We sincerely regret any mental anguish which may have been caused by our grievous error.
* Husain Haqqani had, in the past, managed to make it past Daily Show security.
Tags: Pakistan, White House
Remember when they had that earthquake in that shitty black neighborhood next to the Dominican Republic? You probably watched many persons sing/rap/dance about it on the teevee. You had your Justin Timberlake covering Jeff Buckley, your Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow and his rag-tag band of sadfaces, and all the other Most Important Persons of Our Epoch, like Wyclef.
But were you aware that Bad Things also happen in countries that do not produce Superstar Icons of Rap? It is true. Which brings us to Pakistan.
According to a Canadian "newspaper" (Are they printed in baby seal blood on the butts of polar bears? Haha!), helpful rich Westerners are not helpfully opening their rich pockets to help the un-helped, un-rich Pakistani poor…
One week after launching a fundraising effort to help victims of Pakistan’s devastating floods, a coalition of Canadian charities has raised just $200,000 for the region. A week after they began a similar campaign following January’s Haitian earthquake, more than $3.5-million had been raised.
It's no surprise that Canada should pony up so many of its finest beaverskins for its island friend to the south. What with their top-notch healthcare, red-coated Mounties, and fondness for slaughtering the French language, Canucks and Haiti-ers are like twin brothers, where one twin is huge and rich and full of ice and the other is small and starving and full of death. But this still does not explain why Canadians — and, yes, Americans — are holding back on throwing some coin at Pakistan. Hmm. What could be the reason?
Aid groups say that floods do not spark the same level of donations as other disasters, even though their impact can be severe and long-lasting. But Elizabeth Byrs, spokeswoman for the UN Office for the Co-ordination of Humanitarian Affairs, said it is not just the type of natural disaster that has stifled people’s generosity. "We note often an image deficit with regards to Pakistan among Western public opinion," she told reporters.
An image deficit? Why on Earth would that be? Using Science and also Magick, we have isolated the three main reasons why Westerners are not donating money to help this particular brand of impoverished brown folk, the Pakistanis…
Tags: Canada, Money, Pakistan