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Pat Robertson
  • Pat Robertson Solves the Sequester

    Pat Robertson Forget using "Jedi mind-melds" to resolve the sequester. Pat Robertson has a better idea:

    God is going to supply a million dollars, somebody is praying right now, right this second, you’re praying for a million dollars and God said, 'I have heard your prayer, I know your need, and I'm going to supply the need that you requested,' it's done, in Jesus' name.

    Sure, Robertson was talking about his viewers, who may have already won one million dollars in the Pearly Gates Publishers Sweepstakes, but there's no reason we can't adopt this strategy to fix our deficits.

    We just need the Treasury Department to hire some hedge fund managers. God sure seems to love answering their prayers.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Economy, Money, Pat Robertson, Religion, Sequester
  • Heretic Pat Robertson Believes in Science

    Pat RobertsonPat Robertson has a poor track record when it comes to predictions. He's basically the Dick Morris of apocalyptic soothsaying. In the '70s, Robertson predicted that the end of the world was coming in October or November 1982. In 2007, he foresaw "mass killings" in the coming year. He's just not very good at this.

    But if Robertson were to once again predict that the end is nigh, I would have no choice but to believe him, because viewers of yesterday's episode of the 700 Club witnessed the surest sign of the apocalypse that has ever been seen.

    It began when woman wrote to Robertson, expressing concern that her husband and children would spend eternity amid hellfire because they questioned why the Bible failed to explain the existence of dinosaurs. Robertson responded

    Look, I know that people will probably try to lynch me when I say this, but Bishop Ussher wasn't inspired by the Lord when he said that it all took 6,000 years. It just didn't. You go back in time, you've got radiocarbon dating. You got all these things and you've got the carcasses of dinosaurs frozen in time out in the Dakotas.

    If you fight science, you're going to lose your children, and I believe in telling it the way it was.

    Repent ye, for some strange stuff is happening in the world of TV evangelism.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Christianity, Pat Robertson, Religion, Science & Technology
  • Pat Robertson Absolves David Petraeus for His Sins of the Flesh

    Pat RobertsonOkay, I know what you guys were thinking: What does televangelist Pat Robertson think about David Petraeus' covert extra-marital sexing-up of biographer Paula Broadwell?

    I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the super-Christian 700 Club host has signed off on it

    "She is an extremely good-looking woman," Robertson said of Broadwell. "She is marathon runner, she'd run Iron Man triathlons, and so she's out running with him, and she's writing a biography. And I think the term is propinquity. And there was a lot of propinquity going on."

    He then offered up this potential reasoning for Petraeus' affair: "The man's off in a foreign land and he's lonely and here's a good-looking lady throwing herself at him. He's a man."

    Right! He's a man. He's just a man, cursed with a penis. Therefore, we cannot rightly blame him for folding to his totally understandable sexual urges, especially in the face of such a handsome triathlon-competing woman. It's not like it was another man with whom he wanted to commit himself for the rest of his life. It was a woman. One whom Pat Robertson finds "extremely good-looking." And he only wanted to bang her a couple times. It's not for us to judge such things.

    Especially since we've all got our hand pretty full judging women for looking at porn.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Christianity, David Petraeus, Pat Robertson, Religion, Sex
  • Pat Robertson, Pothead

    Pat RobertsonWhat does Pat Robertson have in common with Cheech and Chong, apart from a fondness for offensive racial stereotypes? Apparently, they all love pot.

    The televangelist doesn't use the stuff himself but he does support its legalization

     "I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol," Mr. Robertson said in an interview on Wednesday. "I've never used marijuana and I don't intend to, but it's just one of those things that I think: this war on drugs just hasn't succeeded."

    Mr. Robertson's remarks echoed statements he made last week on "The 700 Club," the signature program of his Christian Broadcasting Network, and other comments he made in 2010.

    While those earlier remarks were largely dismissed by his followers, Mr. Robertson has now apparently fully embraced the idea of legalizing marijuana, arguing that it is a way to bring down soaring rates of incarceration and reduce the social and financial costs.

    It makes sense that a man who believes gay people caused Hurricane Katrina would endorse a mind-altering substance. He's already living in a delusional fantasyland. Why not let others join him?

    Let's face it, marijuana is probably the only thing that could make a Christian rock concert bearable. And just like a pothead, Pat Robertson would freak out during a planetarium laser show about the Big Bang.

    Fun fact: If you watch The 700 Club while high, it's like Robertson is actually coming out of the screen and calling you a sodomite.


    Related: Pat Robertson Is Against Being Not Un-Against the Opposite of Un-Decriminalizing Pot

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Christianity, Drugs, Laws, Marijuana, Pat Robertson
  • Bringing Much Needed Positivity to Tragic Tornado Disasters

    Nothing like a series of tragic and fatal natural disasters to bring out the best in people.

    It really does my heart good to know we have people like progressive radio host Mike Malloy out there, bringing glimmers of hope into the darkness of despair

    "Their God… keeps smashing them into little grease spots on the pavement in  Alabama, and Mississippi, and Arkansas, and Georgia, and Oklahoma," Malloy says in his broadcast from Friday.

    "You know, the Bible belt, where [in a mocking voice] they ain't gonna let no goddamned science get in the way, it says in the Bible, blah blah blah blah blah. So, according to their way of thinking, God with his omnipotent thumb reaches down here and so far tonight has smashed about 20 people into a grease spot on highway 12, or whatever the hell highway they live next to."

    Now, as moving as his smashed greasespot analogy is — and it is almost heart wrenchingly moving — it does ring a tad bit false to my ears. Because clearly, we cannot blame God for these horrendous tragedies. Oh, certainly not!

    No, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the victims. Isn't that right, Pat Robertson?

    Read More »

    Tags: Christianity, Natural Disasters, Pat Robertson, Religion, Weather