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Patriot Act
  • What’s Threatening Our Existence This Week? Patriot Act Extension Signed By President Barack Obama Future Robot Overlord


    Better get used to that sound ladies and gentlemen because by the time the next presidential election gets here, that's what your candidates will probably sound like

    President Obama used an autopen to renew the [Patriot Act] on Thursday, raising some eyebrows with the mechanical surrogate. Obama was in France when he authorized the signing just before a midnight expiration deadline. It followed a House vote of 250-153.

    First developed 200 years ago by British inventor John Isaac Hawkins, autopens are machines that trace engraved signatures and are often used to sign cards and letters sent by the White House. But last week's signature seems to be the first use of the device to sign something into law.

    The decision to use the autopen was apparently based on a 2005 Justice Department memo that concluded "the president need not personally perform the physical act of affixing his signature to a bill to sign it."

    Now, it’s scary enough to find out a machine that was NOT elected president (even though I voted for it) is filling in for Obama while he’s on vacay, but THEN the White House has to go and add the part about the machine being "only used with proper authorization of the President."

    WHAT? Who said it was being used without the President’s authorization? What’s going on here? Is the Obama Administration trying to tell us something?

    I believe they are.

    You see, as real Obama’s approval ratings and reelection dreams have become more and more dependent upon the actual results of his presidency, it stands to reason that the White House has created Robama (Robot Obama) in an effort to shift blame for poor policy decisions onto someone other than the president himself. Which makes sense because clearly the only thing better than blaming Obama for all of America's problems is blaming a robot for all of America's problems.

    But with the rise of Robama comes a number of questions that will need to be answered. Questions like: Where was Robama born? Japan? If so, is legislation Robama signs even valid? Is there a Robiden (Robot Joe Biden)? And if so, when Robama and Obama eventually have a duel to the death on the top of a skyscraper, will Real Joe Biden, Robiden or Robama be sworn in as President?

    Most importantly, however, is the question of whether America is even ready for a Robot President.

    Frankly, I don't think we're going to have a lot of say in the matter as our weak doughy bodies are no match for Robama's titanium exoskeleton and built in "Heads of States" decapitator, but for the sake of argument let's look at the Pros & Cons…

    Pros of Robot President

    * Looks as good leaving office as day elected

    * Appeals to non-human demographic, such as voting machines

    * Quells fears America is no longer strong

    * Can fly himself around world, no need for costly and environmentally unfriendly Air Force One

    * Already has a built-in teleprompter

    * Not interested in having affairs with Interns

    * Can do "The Robot" at State Dinner

    * Not a black person


    Cons of Robot President

    * Campaign Handshake feature has a bug, hands will be crushed

    * Rusts

    * Most likely bent on human destruction

    As you can see, the only real "Con" is that a Robot President would be bent on the destruction of the human race. However, since the Republicans & Democrats have practically assured that already by not passing affordable health care and comprehensive environmental protections, do we really have anything to lose?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Patriot Act, Robots Are Dope!, Science & Technology
  • From the Pork Barrel: Rolling Plunder

    * Sarah Palin launches bus tour, silly video.

    * White House seeking to associate President Obama with the word "tough." As in, "I'm disappointed that you would sign an extension of the Patriot Act." – "Tough."

    * 50% of country thinks that 20% of country is gay. Which is funny because 80% of country thinks that 50% of country is wicked queeyah. (Huh?)

    * Texas Gov. Rick Perry might maybe run for president possibly we'll see how things shake out, okay?

    Tags: Barack Obama, LGBT, Patriot Act, Polls, Pork Barrel
  • Barack Obama Really Needs to Stop Killing Those Poor Terrorists, Says Bush Official

    Hmmmmm… It seems that Viet Dinh — co-author of the Patriot Act and former member of Bush administration — is very concerned that Barack Obama might be killing terrorists at too great a rate. Okay. I see…

    You know, I'm beginning to get the distinct impression that President Obama will not be able to find a way to satisfy these people…

    At a panel on national security policy at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Friday, a prominent lawyer from the Bush administration's Department of Justice said he was concerned that the higher number of terrorist executions taking place under Obama was compromising U.S. intelligence operations

    "That doesn't mean I think they are not illegitimate," he added. "No, we have every right to kill the other side's warriors. But at what cost? When we do not have an effective detention policy the only option we have is to kill them before we can detain them. And if we don't detain them, we don't know what they know and what they are up to."

    Why do these people even make the attempt at rationalizing their opposition anymore? Wouldn't it just be easier to hurl some excrement at Obama and call it a day?

    Tags: Barack Obama, CPAC, George W. Bush, Patriot Act, Terrorism
  • Colbert on Privatizing the Patriot Act

    On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen discussed corporations that are helping the government invade our privacy in the name of protecting our liberties. It sounds scary, but just wait until they get Apple on board. You'll be first in line to have all your electronic activities iMonitored. Hell, if it had a shiny touch-screen and an app store, I'd wear one of those head-exploding neck-tethers.

    The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

    Tags: Patriot Act, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
  • New York Times, July 4, 2009: "Iraq War Ends"

    If you haven't seen the July 4th, 2009 issue of the New York Times yet, it's already online (seven months early). And the good news is everything is gonna turn out great!

    We will safely pull all our troops out of Iraq, the Patriot Act will be repealed, the economy will get all fixed up, and national health insurance will be signed into law. All in just a few short months. Couldn't get better, right?

    Wrong. Because it does get better. NYT Thomas Friedman will agree to stop writing columns in which he claims — against all evidence — to have expert knowledge…

    The sudden outbreak of peace in Iraq has made me realize, among other things, one incontestable fact: I have no business holding a pen, at least with intent to write…

    [T]o have been so completely and fundamentally wrong about so huge a disaster as what we have done to Iraq — and ourselves — is outrageous enough to prove that people like me have no business posing as wise men, and, more importantly, that The New York Times has no business continuing to provide me with a national platform.

    In any case, I have made a decision: as of today, I will no longer write in this or any other newspaper… As of today, I’m putting down my pen, to take up a screwdriver. I am going to retrain as an engineer and spend the rest of my life working to build non-carbon-based energy technologies. And I'm going to spend a lot of time washing my hands.

    The very special issue of NYT got a little bit of — okay, all of its — help from "anti-corporate activist-pranksters" The Yes Men and bunch of other activist groups.

    The Yes Men's two most prominent members, Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno, discuss their NYT project below…

    Tags: Economy, Health Care, Iraq, New York Times, Patriot Act, Thomas Friedman