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Paul Revere
  • American History, Sarah Palin Style

    You've probably heard by now how Sarah Palin really stuck it to the elite lamestream American History book industry by telling the real story of Paul Revere's midnight ride from Boston to Lexington and Concord

    "He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed."

    Haha! Suck on that, history teachers! That's how you tell a story about this great land that is called America! You may say that that's pretty much the exact opposite of what actually happened in real life, but I say that you're a not-real American and a possible traitor (and maybe a future tenant of Gitmo).

    You wanna see how to follow her lead? I'll show you. Pay attention, dorks. You might learn something…

    The Boston Tea Party
    So, there were a bunch of Indians who were really, um, gung-ho proud of America and were looking for you know, like, for a way to, um, help the Founding Fathers win the Civil War against the uh liberal Britishers. So, they threw a big shindig on a boat and at the end of the party, everybody, um, drank tea and threw a British person into the ocean. And that's how tea was invented.

    Storming the Beach at Normandy
    There were all these, ya know, good 'ol American soldiers sitting on a — what's that thing with all the sand and stuff? — a beach in Normandy, Missouri when Adolf Hitler and that guy Joseph Stalin and all their Nazi friends came in and, um, invaded and tried to, uh, give all the soldiers girlfriends abortions. Well, our boys weren't gonna put up with, ya know, that kind of hoo-ha, so they picked up their guns and shot all of them Nazis right in the face.

    The 2008 Presidential Election
    You see, there was this beautiful princess from the land of snow, and everybody in the land wanted her to, uh, be their queen. And then a, um, a, ya know, a valiant mavericky soldier said, hey uh, won't you please come with me and lead me and my nation into triumphant victory. And she said yes. Not for herself, but for, um, everybody who loved her, which was everybody. Except for some people who were, um, evil and mean and non-American. So, they, ya know, hired a dark servant to steal the princess' queen job away from her. And everybody cried forever. Amen.

    Look, that's what all the history books are gonna say in a couple years anyway, so you might as well get used to it.

    Photo by Paul Morigi/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images


    Tags: American Revolution, Paul Revere, Sarah Palin