Porn Watching Missile Defense Workers Told to Keep Their Rockets Siloed

Rarely is the question asked, is that an Aegis BMD/SM-3 missile in your pants or are you just a Missile Defense Agency employee with a pornography habit? Yet this exact issue was discussed by the MDA's Executive Director John James Jr. in a memo informing defense employees that "blast-off" should not be a dirty euphemism when you work for the nation's line of defense against incoming ICBMs…

"Specifically, there have been instances of employees and contractors accessing websites, or transmitting messages, containing pornographic or sexually explicit images," James wrote in the July 27 memo obtained by Bloomberg News.

"These actions are not only unprofessional, they reflect time taken away from designated duties, are in clear violation of federal and DoD and regulations, consume network resources and can compromise the security of the network though the introduction of malware or malicious code," he wrote.

Porn is supposed to be the one sexual activity that doesn't result in infections! Yet according to one cybersecurity expert, foreign intelligence services routinely embed porn websites with code that allows them to harvest data from government computers.

At least in the moments we all die a fiery death in a North Korean nuclear attack, we will know to blame the folks in Arlington, who were focused on keeping the wrong missiles up.

Photo Handout/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Department of Defense, Pentagon, Porn

GOP Robbing from the Poor, Giving to the Predator Drones

Hey, remember last summer when the GOP agreed to raise the debt ceiling in exchange for spending cuts, half of which were supposed to come from the Pentagon?

Ha. Yeah. That was totally never gonna happen…

The House voted Thursday to override steep cuts to the Pentagon’s budget mandated by last summer's debt deal and replace them with spending reductions to food stamps and other mandatory social programs.

While doomed in the Senate and opposed by the White House, the legislation, which would reduce the deficit by $243 billion, is a Republican marker for post-election budget talks with the White House.

The Washington Post has a handy list of all the highlights. In addition to food stamps, Republicans are trying to cut funding for Medicaid, the Child Tax Credit, federal employee pensions, financial regulation and social services block grants, which help fund Meals on Wheels, child welfare, day care services and help for the disabled.

So basically, just programs for the most vulnerable populations imaginable. What child needs food and shelter when they can have an unlimited supply of predator drones flying overhead?

Insiders say Sith Lord Speaker John Boehner also tried to make cuts to the Department of Puppies and Rainbows, but he was afraid the bill would be too long. And anyway, you can't blame the GOP. They're just trying to create more jobs. Like, child funeral director or black-market organ donor. Yep, it's all about jobs. Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Budget, Debt, Economy, House of Representatives, John Boehner, Medicaid, Pentagon, Welfare

Our Endorsements: Paul Ryan Is Mitt Romney's Cary Grant

* Mother Jones' illustrator Zina Saunders draws out Romney's secret crush.

* Saturday Night Live satirizes Romney's compulsion to be the every man, literally.

* Julia Louis-Dreyfus is playing a Veep!

* The Onion radio reports on how the Pentagon gets their missiles.

* The Neighborhood Watch movie marketing team is having to walk on eggshells.

Tags: Daily Links, Mother Jones, Paul Ryan, Pentagon, SNL, The Onion, Trayvon Martin

Our Endorsements: Mike Tyson Sings Herman Cain

* Imagine there's no Mike Tyson/Herman Cain parodies. I wonder if you can? From Funny or Die.

* Are we paying too much for torture? The Onion investigates.

* This Modern World looks back on who the "Not Mitt Romney" ghost has inhabited.

* Everything Old is Newt Again: Gingrich slogans from National Lampoon.

* Rick Perry can still turn it around, or at least give us more comedy fodder.

* If I had to guess, I'd say he's playing the blues.

Tags: Barack Obama, Daily Links, Funny or Die, Herman Cain, Mike Tyson, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Pentagon, Primaries, Rick Perry, The Onion, Torture

How Many Dozens of Justice Coins Will You Be Ordering?

Oh… My… GOD!!! This Osama bin Laden Is Dead commemorative coins from the… um, Historic Coin Mint (which is maybe an actual thing maybe)!!! For only $19.95?! Please tell me that they're made of genuine brass and then painted over in a thin sheet of 24 carat gold! They are?!?! There better not be a limited number of these, because I want an unlimited number of them!!!

Look, I don't wanna be too nitpicky here. I'm glad that one side of these coins features a picture of some Navy Seals and another has the World Trade Center. But can't there be a third side that shows Osama bin Laden bleeding out from his skull on his bedroom floor? But, like, in bas relief and all tasteful and shit.

I'm just saying, they're missing the Historic Coin Mint is really missing an opportunity make something special here.

(via Videogum)

Tags: 9/11, al Qaeda, Military, Osama bin Laden, Pentagon, Terrorism, World Trade Center