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Piers Morgan
  • White House Won't Deport Piers Morgan

    On the heels of Alex Jones' implosion on the Piers Morgan show, the White House announced that it would respond to Jones' petition calling for Morgan's deportation because of his pro-gun control advocacy.

    The petition did create some unnatural alliances and mixed feelings — pro-gun conservatives found themselves wanting to deport a white person for once, liberals found themselves conflicted between defending First Amendment rights and the knowledge that this was Piers Morgan we're talking about — but it was a long shot. This morning's statement by White House press secretary Jay Carney confirms that our national nightmare of putting up with Morgan isn't going to end any time soon:

    Let's not let arguments over the Constitution's Second Amendment violate the spirit of its First. President Obama believes that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms. However, the Constitution not only guarantees an individual right to bear arms, but also enshrines the freedom of speech and the freedom of the press — fundamental principles that are essential to our democracy. Americans may disagree on matters of public policy and express those disagreements vigorously, but no one should be punished by the government simply because he or she expressed a view on the Second Amendment — or any other matter of public concern.

    Great, thanks. Now get to the Death Star petition already.

    Related: Alex Jones Goes Full Alex Jones on Piers Morgan Show [VIDEO]

    Photo by Stuart Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Alex Jones, CNN, Guns, Jay Carney, Piers Morgan, White House
  • Alex Jones Goes Full Alex Jones on Piers Morgan Show [VIDEO]

    If I were Alex Jones, I'd think the Alex Jones appearance on last night's Piers Morgan show were a government conspiracy to discredit Alex Jones. Except no government agent could come up with a rant so vividly unhinged; it was definitely Jones doing the interview…

    Read More »

    Tags: Alex Jones, CNN, Conspiracies, Guns, Piers Morgan
  • Nobody Wants Rootless Hobo Piers Morgan

    As of this morning, the White House web-petition to deport CNN host Piers Morgan has over 81,000 signatures, well over the 25,000 benchmark required for an official response from the Obama administration. Created by gun-owners in the wake of Morgan's comments in favor of gun control, the petition has riven the souls of liberal minded Americans who want to defend the First Amendment rights but are also cognizant of the fact that this is Piers Morgan we're talking about.

    Morgan's fellow Brits have no such dilemma. Over 5,000 petitioners have called on the White House to "Keep Piers Morgan in America" because he's no use to them back home…

    We want to keep Piers Morgan in the USA.

    There are two very good reasons for this. Firstly, the first amendment.

    Second and the more important point. No one in the UK wants him back.

    At this point, we need a United Nations High Commissioner on British Entertainment Refugees. It's true that America has long been a refuge for the likes of Morgan, Russell Brand and Simon Cowell, but we can't be forced to bear the burden of all these people, can we?

    Photo by Stuart Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: CNN, Guns, Immigration, Piers Morgan
  • Bill Clinton Can Only Be President of Your Heart

    There have to be less onerous ways to atone for one's sins than appearing on CNN's Piers Morgan — Jews manage to get away with just a daylong fast — but there Bill Clinton was, speaking to Morgan at the Clinton Global Initiative and considering a return to presidential politics

    There are only two countries I'm eligible to run for the leadership position is if I move to Ireland and buy a house, I can — I can run for president of Ireland, because of my Irish heritage.

    And because I was born in Arkansas, which is part of the Louisiana Purchase, any person anywhere in the world that was born in a place that ever was part of the French empire, if you move to — if you live in France for six months and speak French, you can run for president.

    As with many things that come out of Clinton's mouth, this has the distinction of being  both utterly charming and complete bullshit.

    Irish law requires that at least one parent or grandparent be an Irish citizen at the time of your birth to generate a claim of citizenship through "heritage." As for the electoral chances of President of the French Republic Le Bubba, residents of former French territories are no longer eligible to apply for citizenship without going through the regular naturalization process.

    For better or worse, the closest Clinton will come to a presidency is Barack Obama's ongoing campaign to convince voters he's running Clinton's third term.


    Related: Romney's Tax Issues Linked to Bill Clinton's Underwear, Obviously

    Photo by Johannes Simon/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Bill Clinton, CNN, France, Ireland, Piers Morgan
  • Rick Santorum Tells Rape Victims to Make Lemons Out of Lemonade

    Rick Santorum is a compassionate conservative. Rich, poor, male, female, white, "blahk," your pain is his pain.

    So in a recent interview with Piers Morgan, the creepily pro-life candidate reached out to pregnant sexual-assault victims to offer them some comfort. He told the women to buck up and look on the bright side — of rape

    "Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn’t have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life… I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.

    "As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life. We have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible. But, nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation."

    Widening income gap? Don't try to stop it from getting worse. Let's just make the best out of a bad economic trend and allow the ultra-rich to take in poor people as house-slaves. Iran's building nuclear weapons? Don't try to prevent it. Let's just wait till they attack.

    As the son of an Italian immigrant, Santorum knows: When life hands you a mushroom cloud, make a creamy mushroom risotto.

    Photo by T.J. Kirkpatrick/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Abortion, Christianity, CNN, Crime, Piers Morgan, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Sex