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  • South Carolina Republicans Debate Sexual and Ideological Purity Test

    Turns out, there's a downside to operating under open primary rules. On the one hand, allowing all registered voters to participate in the candidate nominating process may expand your candidates' electability in the general election. On the other hand, such a primary might attract Democrats, chronic masturbators and other misfits.

    Luckily, the Laurens County Republican Party of South Carolina has a solution: Demand that all candidates sign a purity oath certifying their fealty to "28 principles of Republicanism…"

    You must oppose abortion, in any circumstances.

    You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns.

    You must endorse the idea of a balanced state and federal budget, whatever it takes, even if your primary responsibility is to be sure the county budget is balanced.

    You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.

    You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

    You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.

    Fortunately for Newt Gingrich and a former South Carolina governor who spent some time hiking the Argentinian happy trail, the State GOP declared the oath illegal and unenforceable, but that won't prevent Laurens County Republicans from encouraging candidates to sign the pledge.

    As for Democrats, they won't be laughing when their last elected official is beaten in a landslide by Cleetus, the eunuch.

    Photo by Joe Sohm/Photodisc/Getty Images


    Tags: Porn, Primaries, Republicans, Sex, South Carolina
  • Rick Santorum to Take Porn from Americans' Cold, Sticky Hands

    Rick SantorumBelieve it or not, Rick Santorum's strategy for the past few weeks has been to downplay his crusade against the gaying of America in favor of appealing to cross-over primary voters who have concerns about Mitt Romney's presumed plan to buyout the underperforming voters of Michigan and Arizona and replace them with more efficient Romney-compliant voters.

    But liberal media scolds like my colleague Jess Dweck keep messing with the program by accurately reporting on things Rick Santorum has said in the past. Now comes an even bolder conspiracy, as the media has somehow forced Santorum to fill the "Issues" section of his campaign website with the ravings of a zealous scold promising to ban hotel porn…

    America is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography.  A wealth of research is now available demonstrating that pornography causes profound brain changes in both children and adults, resulting in widespread negative consequences…

    Current federal "obscenity" laws prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the Internet, on cable/satellite TV, on hotel/motel TV, in retail shops and through the mail or by common carrier. Rick Santorum believes that federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced.  "If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so."

    The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws. While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration.

    Whatever the odds, I'll take the over on Santorum having a Gay Porn Czar in the White House.

    Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Porn, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Sex
  • ACLU Bravely Fights for Freedom to Watch Internet Porn

    Republicans often paint the ACLU as some shadowy cabal of elite communists plotting to destroy the government and subvert traditional family values. But the ACLU does a lot of important work fighting for Americans' constitutional rights — free speech, free expression, free press.

    And now, free porn

    The American Civil Liberties Union is suing a Washington state library district for not offering access to online porn…The search censorship by the North Central Regional Library also means some websites — such as Google Images and YouTube — are blocked too. The board decided the filter serves its mission to promote reading and lifelong learning…

    The ACLU is representing three library users and a nonprofit organization, and argues that federally funded libraries should disable their filters upon the request of an adult.

    “This case is about an overly broad filtering policy that has restricted an adult student from using the Internet for a class assignment and a professional photographer from accessing art galleries online,” ACLU cooperating attorney Duncan Manville said in a statement.

    While the 2012 Republican candidates have yet to comment on the controversy, I think it's fair to assume that Mitt Romney would side with the ACLU. After all, he can't resist a money shot.

    If the case makes it all the way up to the Supreme Court, the justices would likely rule in favor of the ACLU and the porn industry. The liberal members of the bench have always stood firmly on the side of civil liberties. As for the right wing of the court, if there's one thing we've learned from Citizens United, it's that the conservative justices fully support whoring themselves out for cash.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: ACLU, Citizens United v. FEC, Constitution, Education, Laws, Porn, Sex, Supreme Court
  • Dan Savage on Rick Santorum's Anti-Straight Agenda

    Dan Savage — who many people think might be the true winner of Tuesday's caucuses — was on Keith Olbermann's show that apparently still exists on some channel that may or may not exist in people's cable boxes to discuss newly-minted Republican Wonder Boy Rick Santorum's long-standing war against heterosexuals

    "An overwhelming amount of Americans, including Catholic Americans, use birth control. One of the constant things I’m reminding people about Rick Santorum is he doesn’t have merely an anti-gay agenda, he has an anti-straight agenda too. He’s against birth control, he’s against abortion, he’s against pornography, he’s against all sorts of things that straight people use and enjoy frequently."

    I see Savage's point, but I think I'm going to have to disagree.

    The way I see it, being straight is a choice. If these straights don't like having their "straight lifestyle" infringed upon by legislators, then why don't they just go and be something else? And, quite frankly, good riddance to them. We don't need them walking around being straight in front of our children.

    You know that's what they want, right? They want to teach your children straight. Don't trust me. Google it.


    Tags: Abortion, Dan Savage, LGBT, Porn, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Sex
  • Newt Gingrich: Patron Saint of Internet Porn

    Thrice-married balloon-faced GOP frontrunners named Newt — they’re just like us! They cheat on their dying wives. They buy too much jewelry. They support child labor.

    And they love online porn

    The Communications Decency Act of 1996 is not a subject that Newt Gingrich likes to talk about on the campaign trail. For the new GOP front-runner, the episode also marks a notable exception to his record as a social conservative: the time when Gingrich took on his own base to keep the web open for pornography…

    To fend off [pornographers], [Sen. Jim] Exon introduced an amendment to the Communications Decency Act criminalizing the transmission of "indecent" materials over the internet…

    "[The amendment] is clearly a violation of free speech and it's a violation of the right of adults to communicate with each other," Gingrich said at the time…

    With Gingrich's support, Rep. Chris Cox (R-Calif.) and Rep. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) crafted an alternative proposal that eschewed punitive measures for online wardrobe malfunctions and expletives, and instead emphasized private, parental education initiatives. The bill passed the House overwhelmingly.

    Of course, Newt doesn't support just any old online smut. As a principled family-values conservative, he believes in the central role of the mother, both in raising the children and summoning the sperm that produces them. This bold stance, we can surely conclude, has paved the way for the Internet's unlimited supply of MILF-based porn.

    So remember to thank Newt Gingrich every time you log onto your favorite x-rated website. Just picture his ego-engorged head staring back at you, protecting your First Amendment right to immediately go flaccid.

    Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Internet, Newt Gingrich, Porn, Primaries, Republicans