America's Post-Election Freakout

I've seen a number of presidential elections in my lifetime. My mother, a liberal, did her fair share share of hand-wringing and yelling at the TV in the '80s. But these are different times. Times, it would seem, of epic histrionics. Karl Rove's election night conniption was just a preview of the insanity we would see after all the votes were counted.

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Tags: Indecision Delegates, Jordan Carlos, Karl Rove, Puerto Rico, Texas

Tweet Untweet: Puerto Rico Says ¡No!

Puerto Rican voters say "No!" to Santorum. Even worse–They said it in Spanish!

— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) March 19, 2012

Tags: Primaries, Puerto Rico, Rick Santorum, Tweet Untweet, Twitter

Mitt Romney Wins Puerto Rico by 75 Percent

It's called Puerto Rico, so what did everyone expect? Mitt Romney continued his streak of winning the kind of territories to which his money goes on vacation, taking 83% of the vote in the Commonwealth to Rick Santorum's 8%. Some lessons from Sunday's results:

1. Turns out, taking two days to tell Puerto Rican voters they need to learn to speak American, instead of campaigning in southern Illinois, whose primary is upcoming on Tuesday, was not the optimal strategy for the Santorum campaign. Also, saying JFK makes you vomit is a sub-optimal method of recruiting Catholic voters to your cause. Thankfully, this means "negging" people to undermine their confidence so they'll be vulnerable and open to your appeal will remain the province of bar crawling douchebags rather than become a campaign tactic. Telling voters that the palm trees are just the right height and the water just the right color is a better strategy.

2. Romney may be letting this island win streak get to his head. This morning while campaigning in Springfield, Illinois, Romney beeped, "These pancakes are something. These pancakes are as large as my win in Puerto Rico." They are so big, they could only fit on the roof of his car.

3. The idea that a primary or caucus result has some bearing on how a state or particular demographic will vote in the general election is still one of the dumbest ideas in politics. Speaking in Vernon Hills, Illinois, Romney explained, "Those people that don't think Latinos will vote for Republicans, need to take a look at Puerto Rico." Yes, we all remember how Barack Obama took down John McCain in Utah after sweeping that state's caucuses and how Obama struggled (read: won by double-digits) in Pennsylvania after losing that state to Hillary Clinton in the primaries.

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Food, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Puerto Rico, Republicans, Rick Santorum

Colbert on the Liberal Plot to Make Rush Limbaugh Say Dumb Stuff

This really is the one thing at which liberals have proven to be wildly effective.

Coverage continues with Rick Santorum's valiant quest to bring the refined English of civilization to the savage Puerto Ricans after the jump.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

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Tags: Advertising, Contraception, Men and Women, Military, Puerto Rico, Rick Santorum, Rush Limbaugh, Sandra Fluke, Sex, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, Women's Rights

Rick Santorum to Puerto Ricans: Speak English

Observing the policy-making process is an adventure in watching the sensible kernel of any idea inevitably sprout into forehead-slapping inanity.

Think basic research and technological investment is important? Must be time to build a moon colony! Believe religious institutions should be exempt from contraceptive coverage mandates? Time to allow all employers to fire women who use birth control.

Think learning English is important to economic and social success? Demand that Puerto Rico, where English and Spanish have shared status as official languages since 1993, make English their primary language as a condition of statehood…

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told Puerto Ricans on Wednesday they would have to make English their primary language if they want to pursue U.S. statehood, a statement at odds with the U.S. Constitution…

"Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law," Santorum said. "And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language."

This is a very deep point from Santorum, whose only drawback is that it isn't true, as there's no such federal law or constitutional mandate for Puerto Rico to comply with. To give Santorum credit, the real audience for his remarks are probably Real 'Muricans in the continental U.S. concerned about the menace of taco trucks and the rising popularity of soccer, but it's still a little rich coming from a guy whose usual mode of communication involves speaking to plants.

Photo by Christopher Gregory/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Hispanic, Primaries, Puerto Rico, Republicans, Rick Santorum