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Ralph Hall
  • Today's Greatest American Hero of the Day: Texas Congressman Kills Big Science with Nothing More than a Little Porn

    My fellow Americans, we all owe a massive debt to a little Republican congressperson from Texas who heroically brought down an evil godless bill that would have increased funding for math and science research and education by forcing cowardly Democrats declare their insatiable love for pornography

    Rep. Ralph Hall (R-TX), the ranking member of the House science committee [Ed note: Who better than a Republican from Texas?], introduced a motion to recommit… [to include] a provision that would bar the federal government from paying the salaries of employees who've been disciplined for viewing pornography at work.

    To proceed with the bill and bring it to a final vote, Democrats would have had to vote against the motion to recommit, and against the porn ban. But they didn't have the stomach for it, and 121 Democrats jumped ship and voted with Republicans to kill the bill.

    At the end of the day, every American has to look his or herself in the mirror and make a decision: You're either for science education and violently fapping yourself raw to Eastern-European tranny porn or you're against being anti-American. You can't have it both ways.

    So, thank you, Rep. Hall. Your quick-thinking and oppressive sense of morality just saved the nation from having to understand The Law of Cosines. (That's a thing, right?)

    Tags: Education, House of Representatives, Porn, Ralph Hall, Science & Technology, Texas
  • Oldies But…Goodies?

    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!


    Old Dogs, New Tricks! Last week the Pages profiled some of the youngest candidates running for Congress in 2008. Today we're reporting on the House's current elder statesmen — the men whose spittoons those youngsters would need to empty as Congressional Freshmen. Now we all know age is the new race, but don't bust out the "geezers only" drinking fountains just yet! These geriatrics are legends of the House of Representatives:

    Name Claim to Fame 2008 Election Prospects

    Rep. Ralph Hall (R-TX), 85 years old
    Said of George W. Bush: "We have a good president. I pray for him. Sometimes I'd like to pull down his britches and switch him, but I still love him." In 2004, Hall switched to the GOP from the Democrats– his party since his earlier defection from the Whigs. All his bases are covered.

    Rep. Ralph Regula (R-OH), 83 years old.
    Single-handedly responsible for ensuring that Mt. McKinley remains named after one of our worst presidents, and is never officially recognized by its actual name, Denali. Regula recently announced that he would retire from Congress this year, citing his desire to spend more time with his children before they die of old age.

    Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD), 82 years old.
    Was a guest of honor at a bizarre coronation ceremony for The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, who was crowned as "humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent," while Bartlett watched. Bartlett has outfundraised his opponent, Jennifer Dougherty, 15 to one. If he can restrain himself from spending it all on Vicks Vapo-Rub, he should coast to victory.

    Rep. John Dingell (D-MI), 82 years old.
    Reigning Congressional poetry slam champion. Valiantly napped through George W. Bush's State of the Union speech, winning him points with his liberal Michigan constituency. He's a shoo-in for his 28th term, which will set a House record.

    Doris "Granny D" Haddock, 98 years old
    Although not technically in Congress, Granny D ran against Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) in the 2004 election, winning 34% of the vote in the general election. Granny D is not on the ballot in 2008, but she has begun walking to Washington just in case she wins as a write-in.

    (Note: Compared to Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, this crowd is middle-aged. Check back later for the Senate edition!)

    Tags: Congressional Confidential, John Dingell, Ralph Hall