For too many years, America has been choked by its tired, imperialist six-party system. The only thing differentiating John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democratic), Bob Barr (Libertarian), Cynthia McKinney (Green), Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) and Ralph Nader (Peace & Freedom) is their preferred sexual position with corporate lobbyists and defense contractors.
So let's meet the real candidates for change, running as anywhere from 7th-party to 16th-party candidates on a ballot near you. (This is especially true if you live in Colorado, where all sixteen are on the ballot.)
Candidate Platform Alan Keyes Firmly committed to losing miserably to Barack Obama– any time, any place, any office. Jonathan Allen Taking over for Dick Cheney, who was the Heartquake '00-'07 candidate. Thomas Robert Stevens Dedicated to the economic philosophies of Ayn Rand, which means re-installing Alan Greenspan as Federal Reserve chairman and commissioning a new national anthem penned by Rush. Charles Jay Essentially the Libertarian platform, with a key added goal of throwing John Kerry into a harbor. Gene C. Amondson Revisiting the policies of the 1920s, because if we're going to have a second depression, we ought to get it right. (Note that the platform doesn't seem to be working, given that the campaign's only MySpace friend is Tom.) Róger Calero (or James Harris) Ending the capitalistic hegemony of the two parties dominating American government; restore power to the people. Brian Moore Retake Washington from the evil triumvirate of Republicans, Democrats and the Socialist Workers Party; restore power to the people. Gloria La Riva Destroy the corrupt, neo-fascist tyranny of the Socialist Workers Party and the Socialist USA Party; restore power to the people.
Tags: Alan Keyes, Barack Obama, Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Cynthia McKinney, John McCain, Ralph Nader
From The CC Insider…
You can refresh 538.com all the live long day, and all it will get you is a bunch of math. Paul Scheer knows where the real electoral predictors are.
This reminds me of the the time I dressed up as Ross Perot for my high school marching band's Halloween party. The double-stick tape on my comically large nose kept coming unglued to my glasses, so I spent most of the night in the bathroom trying to fix my costume. Also, now that I think about it, it was junior year, which means it was in 1993. Not even an election year.
And that's when I won my first Nobel Awesomeness Prize.
Tags: Barack Obama, John McCain, Ralph Nader
Aside from believing that the U.S. is the Great Satan, what else does Ralph Nader have in common with Iran?
His recent attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
To qualify he staged the so-called "Massachusetts Marathon" to give at least 15 speeches for a duration of 10 minutes each. Also required was the daunting attendance of at least 10 people at each stop, none of whom could be affiliated with the campaign, which must have been daunting, given it was double his average per speech.
As a Bostonite, I could have attended the Marathon, but stayed home, for fear that I might have obtained the record for "fastest tearing out the eyeballs of a Presidential candidate."
Though I'm not sure Nader has the public support to actually fall into that category.
Tags: Massachusetts, Ralph Nader
Details are emerging on the next presidential debate… You know, the one without those silly big-name politicians who no one really cares about anyway.
So get psyched: it's the third-party presidential debate! It will be held this Sunday. Sure, maybe Obama and McCain won't be there, but plenty of other swell folks will be.
It will be held in a classroom at Columbia University — an Ivy League venue, which is pretty impressive considering all that those "big guys" could muster was Hofstra. And best of all, it will be broadcast on a famous national network that reaches every cable-subscribing home in America! (C-SPAN.)
Needless to say, each of the candidates is expected to spend the bulk of his/her time pandering to Joe the Plumber. Here's each of the participants and their strategy…
* Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate, will promise that Joe will never need to pay taxes again, nor worry about the government intruding on his life by doing things like paving roads and fighting fires.
* Chuck Baldwin, the Constitution Party candidate, will propose a Constitutional amendment outlawing flag-burning, gay marriage, abortion, the teaching of evolution, and turning down Joe the Plumber when he asks you out on a date.
* Ralph Nader, the independent candidate, will vow to steal enough votes away from Obama that somehow Joe will become president.
* Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party candidate, will offer to punch a Capitol Police officer in the face on behalf of Joe.
Tags: Bob Barr, Chuck Baldwin, Constitution Party, Cynthia McKinney, Green Party, Libertarian, Ralph Nader
You're probably still digesting last night's Presidential debate, but it's time to start getting ready for the next one already. Didn't you hear? There's another US Presidential debate this Sunday:
Free and Equal.Org, a group formed to encourage third-party candidacies, is promoting a debate at the Columbia Political Union at Columbia University in New York for all six candidates seeking the presidency. The group is pretty much resigned to the fact that neither Senator John McCain nor Senator Barack Obama will be there.
What? Why would they resign themselves to that? These are people battling for .5% of the popular vote and that's the thing they've decided to be realists about? If I was them I wouldn't just expect Obama and McCain to show. I'd set places on the stage for FDR, Lincoln, Dave, Batman and Bigfoot. As long as you're banking on the impossible, why not shoot the moon?
[Event planner Christina M.] Tobin added that if this event, which will be held at 8 p.m. is successful, her group plans to hold another one a few days later.
Sounds good to me, but why stop there? Put one on every week for the next four years. I checked the candidates' schedules and they're wide open.
Tags: Bob Barr, Cynthia McKinney, Green Party, Libertarian, Ralph Nader