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Reince Priebus
  • Reince Priebus Denies GOP "War on Caterpillars"

    It appears as though RNC chairman Reince Priebus has just opened up a brand new front on a American special interest group. In this case, the special interest is molting

    In a interview that will air on Saturday, Bloomberg TV's Al Hunt asked RNC Chairman Reince Priebus how big of a problem it was for Republicans that recent polls showed President Barack Obama with a 2-1 lead among female voters in battleground states.

    "If Democrats said we had a war on caterpillars and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that the Republicans have a war on caterpillars then we would have problems with caterpillars," Priebus explained. "The fact of the matter is that it's a fiction."…

    They can say this all they want, but I doubt you'll find a single Republican who would be willing to support health care-provided chrysalis assistance. And do you have any idea how many members of the order Lepidoptera conservative voters have elected to office in the past hundred years? Exactly zero.

    Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Reince Priebus, Republicans, RNC
  • RNC Unhappy with Jobs Report for Reasons to Be Determined Later

    mitt romneyWhen news hit this morning that 227,000 jobs were created last month, Republican National Committee was quick to jump all over this terrible, awful news

    "Today's jobs report is yet another reminder that far too many Americans are out of work, and the situation is clearly not improving," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said in the statement." But the jobs numbers clearly indicate improvement, even if the unemployment rate didn't decline.

    Aside from the raw number of jobs created in February, the report showed an upward revision of 61,000 jobs created in December and January. Additionally, there was a 92,000 drop in the number of people unemployed for over 27 weeks, coupled with the entrance of over 476,000 into the labor force — a sign of confidence in the economy.

    So, let me get this straight: Now, on top of all of the problems that this great nation is currently facing, Barack Obama wants Americans to wake up on a Monday morning, get out of their nice warm beds, shower, shave and get dressed. And then go and work for eight hours?

    What is this? Some sort of Dickensian sweat shop nation?!

    Every time you think this President can't get any worse, something something something Nazi socialist. Am I right?

    Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Reince Priebus, RNC, Unemployment
  • Reince Priebus Loves the Drama

    After Mitt Romney's laboriously delivered twin wins in Michigan and Arizona, the GOP must be worried. These primaries are turning into real nail biters compared to the last election. But do voters still care? After the hundredth poll and the eleventy millionth debate, the suspense can become mighty unsuspenseful. (Spoiler alert: Romney wins.)

    Au contraire, says Reinhold "26 Million" Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee

    Priebus, congratulating Romney for having a "good night" Tuesday, warned that Republicans shouldn’t be getting so antsy about the primary process.

    "I just think that sometimes we lose perspective on how long June, July, August, September, October [will feel]… It’s going to be an eternity," he said. "I’m not nervous about this at all."

    Priebus added, "We put people to sleep in '08 with our nomination process, and I think it’s laughable when I hear people claiming that we ought to put people to sleep again this time around and just move on. I don’t think that’s the case."

    Personally, I think Preibus is right. It's going to be eight more months until Mitt Romney is nominated, so Republicans better get in, buckle up and get ready for a wild eternity!

    And if the thought of watching a billionty googolplex more debates puts you to sleep, don't blame the RNC. They apparently don't believe in euthanasia.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Mitt Romney, Primaries, Reince Priebus, Rick Santorum
  • Reince Priebus Expects a Zippy Nomination

    Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee and silly-name-haver, is confident his party will choose a nominee in an efficient, painless fashion…

    Priebus dismissed worries that there is currently no clear leader in the GOP contest and said it was nothing for Republicans to worry about.

    "The fact of the matter is that people around the country and especially in Iowa wants to make sure their decision is sound. I think it's really important to this country that we can put up a candidate that is smart, and articulate, that can beat the president," the chairman said.

    Articulate? That's code for "not Rick Perry." And smart? What he really means is "not Michele Bachmann." Able to beat the president? In other words, "anyone but Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul or Rick Santorum." Hmm.

    When asked if he feared Donald Trump or another Independent getting into the race, Priebus said he was not…

    "I'm not worried about that," he said. "Quite frankly, I think the third-party candidates will take more votes away from Barack Obama than from our candidates."

    Reince Priebus is also an idiot. I probably should've noted that earlier.

    Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Primaries, Reince Priebus, Republicans
  • "Banana-Fanna-Fo-Reince Priebus": Destroyer of "The Name Game" FIGHT ME!

    Umm, how can Reince Priebus say he’s leading the GOP when he’s taking time to post on fucking Twitter?

    Also, REINCE, I’d rather have Obama put his NCAA bracket over "other pressing issues" than have some GOP asshole put people in the highest TAX bracket over ALL pressing issues — which is exactly what you and your colleagues do.

    Sorry your parents named you after what I can only assume to be a member of the Jedi Council. FIGHT ME!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Basketball, FIGHT ME!, NCAA, Reince Priebus, RNC, Sports, Twitter