Stephen Colbert Tackles the Serious, Complicated Issue of the Ongoing Conflict in Afghanistan and How Eric Massa Is So Totally Gay

Thank God for Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) for bringing more much-needed attention to this whole Eric Massa thing…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Afghanistan, al Qaeda, Dennis Kucinich, Eric Massa, Hamid Karzai, House of Representatives, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Military, Patrick Kennedy, Rhode Island, Scandalgate, Sex, Stephen Colbert, Taliban, Terrorism, The Colbert Report

Thou Shalt Not Give Patrick Kennedy Communion

For the past several days tensions between Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) and the Catholic Church have been simmering like a giant kettle of Boston baked beans*, each camp issuing accusations via national media outlets. Late last week Kennedy — a Roman Catholic, a/k/a a Kennedy — broke the news that a bishop had instructed local priests to deny him Communion because he's pro-choice.

Now Bishop Thomas Tobin is hitting the airwaves to offer his side of the story…

"How can you claim to be a Catholic and also support abortion?" Bishop Thomas Tobin of Providence, Rhode Island, asked Monday on CNN, discussing his request that Rep. Patrick Kennedy, a Rhode Island Democrat, stop receiving Holy Communion because of his pro-choice politics.

No doubt that's a tough question. But hey, lots of people have figured out how to be Catholic and also support priests who abuse children, so I'm sure the bishop will find a solution somehow.

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^{* You can put the Kennedy in Rhode Island, but you can't take the Massachusetts out of the Kennedy, if you know what I mean.}

Tags: Abortion, Catholic Church, Christianity, Patrick Kennedy, Religion, Rhode Island

Colbert Better Knows California's 12th District

Anyone who knows anything about politics knows the true measure of a legislator isn't his or her voting record, it's how well he or she can gleam the cube (ask your parents). So last night, after grilling California Congresswoman Jackie Speier about her district's plans to cure gayness, Stephen Colbert took to the halls of Congress armed with his board and a hunger for shredding.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: California, House of Representatives, Jackie Speier, Massachusetts, Patrick Kennedy, Rhode Island, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Colbert Warns Against Gay Zombies

We knew this was going to happen. We were warned. Gay rights opponents have all along told us that treating gays like normal people was a slippery slope, and they were right. No sooner have we started to tolerate people living the gay lifestyle, now they want to die the gay lifestyle. It's like they say, you give the gays an inch, they ask for basic human dignity!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: LGBT, Marriage Equality, Rhode Island, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video

Sarah Palin Could Maybe Possibly Be Moving to Rhode Island Because That Is a Thing That Could Maybe Happen

OMG! Have you heard this shocking bit of news-like wording about something that Sarah Palin is probably not doing according to Reuters and a bunch of other news sources?

The Anchorage Daily News in Alaska is reporting, and The Providence Journal is repeating, a tantalizing rumor that Sarah Palin is going to move to Rhode Island. No one has confirmed that (including us, and we tried). Even the Anchorage paper which started the speculation says it's probably not true.

But frankly, Sarah Palin — the former Republican vice presidential candidate and Alaska governor — is a queen of surprises so one never knows…

Got that? Sarah Palin is probably not moving to Rhode Island, but maybe she is because she's unpredictable and can possibly do a lot of stuff. Run with it! Put it on Page One. Use a huge banner headline: SARAH PALIN TO MAYBE DO STUFF! It'll sell a quazillion papers and singlehandedly rescue journalism from the cusp of oblivion!

But, hey, don't stop there! Let's report on some other stuff that crazy, unpredictable Sarah Palin could possibly do in the realm of things that are not completely out of the question.

Hold on! Stop the presses! It has just come to my attention that Sarah Palin might one day decide to apply for a job at NASA and become the first former governor in space. Holy wow! What a crazy thing for Sarah Palin to maybe do! I hope that doesn't get in the way of her genetics research that, for all we know, she's been doing in her possible long-term quest to engineer a real life Sasquatch.

Can you believe all this important news I'm breaking here? Somebody get me a Pulitzer Prize!

Tags: Alaska, Rhode Island, Sarah Palin