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Richard Nixon
  • Richard Nixon's Speech for the Not-Dead Astronauts

    Here's an excerpt from a speech that Richard Nixon did not have to give forty years ago today…

    Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

    These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

    That speech was written by William Safire, based upon the recommendation of astronaut Frank Borman, who knew all too well how dangerous the Apollo mission actually was.

    Seems a shame that a perfectly good speech like that went to waste just because two human beings didn't end up asphyxiated and dessicated on the surface of a cold and barren alien landscape. Maybe they could have recycled the speech for some other huge American disaster.

    Though — on second thought — I suppose it would have been kind of weird for Nixon to keep going on about the moon during his re-inauguration speech.*

    (via Politics Daily)

    See also: Jim Stallard's Live from the Apollo 11 on McSweeney's.

    * Speaking of disasters… Believe it or not, that was the best punchline I could come up with. And, what's sad is that I really tried hard.

    Tags: NASA, Richard Nixon, Science & Technology, William Safire
  • New Nixon Tapes Reveal Nixon to Be Even More Nixony Than You Thought

    Ugh, Richard Nixon, really? Really? Did you really have to go so far out of your way to be so much like everybody's image of you?

    The New York Times' Charlie Savage reports on one recorded conversation the day that the Supreme Court's ruling in Roe v. Wade was handed down. Nixon didn't make a public statement, but privately, he worried that the greater legality of abortion would lead to "permissiveness," saying that abortion "breaks the family."

    However, Nixon said, "There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white… Or a rape."

    Obviously, an abortion would be necessary if it was a half-white/half-black freak of nature. I mean, I don't think anybody would argue with that? But a rape baby? Do we know what university the rapist attended? Do we know how he votes? These things matter.

    On another tape, in a conversation with the Rev. Billy Graham, Nixon discussed complaints by some U.S. Jews about certain efforts to promote evangelical Christianity. "What I really think is deep down in this country, there is a lot of anti-Semitism, and all this is going to do is stir it up,” Nixon said, according to Savage. Later in the conversation, he said, “It may be they have a death wish. You know that’s been the problem with our Jewish friends for centuries."

    Oh, those Jews and their death wishes. Always with the jumping into ovens and the smashing their heads into the butts of Russian soldiers' rifles. Oy vey!

    Tags: Abortion, Jewish, Racism, Richard Nixon
  • Evaluating Obama's First 100 Days

    Of all the fabricated benchmarks created to judge President Obama, the first 100 days is one of the most excitingly noteworthy and easily digestible.

    Sure, President Obama has downplayed the importance of the event. Senior Advisor David Axelrod even called it a "Hallmark holiday," thereby belittling other Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Professionals Day.

    But ever since gaining those dead pirate points, Obama can only win support from the media coverage, and so Obama will "pay homage to his 100 days with a Wednesday trip to… Missouri," the state where every exciting thing ever happens.

    In honor of the landmark, we decided to celebrate Obama's milestone by over-oversimplifying it further and boiling it down to a nice simple chart comparing President Obama's first 100 days to the accomplishments of history's most famous presidents in such a way that even an idiot could understand…

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    Tags: Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Franklin Roosevelt, George W. Bush, George Washington, John Kennedy, Richard Nixon, Thomas Jefferson, White House
  • Gov. Gone Wild: Washington D.C.'s Spring Breakiest Moments

    Now that the universities are closing down and their students are being set loose upon the nation's beach town, please don't forget that our nation's capitol, Washington D.C. — scenically located along the eastern banks of the Potomac River — which kind of makes it a beach town. A kind of swampy-ish beach town, but a beach town none the less. So, in a way, it's the perfect Spring Break destination. Cabo San Lucas ain't got nothing on D.C. as far as crazy party antics go. For example…


    Bill Clinton gets some from Monica Lewinsky

    Don't even front like you've never been there. You know how it goes. If it's late enough at night and no one else is around, you sometimes find yourself going a little further with friends and co-workers than you thought you would. It happens, dude. It happens! You just gotta move on with your life and hope that the other person doesn't go blabbing to her friends.

    And that none of her friends will go secretly recording the details of what happened between you and her and then hand the tapes off to some guy who's been trying to get you fired for years. Cause that could totally ruin your week. Not to mention get you impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives.

    And nothing busts up a Spring Break drinking binge like a federal impeachment.

    Read More »

    Tags: Bill Clinton, Charles Sumner, Drugs, House of Representatives, Marion Barry, Monica Lewinsky, Preston Brooks, Richard Nixon, Senate, United Kingdom, Washington DC
  • The 6 Drinkiest Politicians in U.S. History

    I don't know about you but I have March 17th and 18th fully planned out. On March 17th I'm doing my St. Patrick's Day ritual of getting into fights and puking up green beer. And on the 18th, I plan to spend the whole day in a deep depression regretting everything I've done the day before.

    Overindulging in alcohol can lead to all sorts of trouble. And yet, there are some who have battled their demons with the bottle while rising to some of the highest levels of public service. So, I might actually still get a chance to be somebody before my liver falls out. After all, look at all that's been accomplished by these guys.


    President Ulysses S. Grant

    Some say that reports of President Grant's public drunkenness were vicious rumors started by his political enemies, but then again those people were probably never tasked with writing a piece about drunk U.S. Politicians. So shut up and let me do my job. And besides, no one can deny that there are some people who don't say that stories of Grant's public drunkeness were vicious rumors started by political enemies.

    Indeed, some claim Grant left the army in 1854 rather then face court martial after his commanding officer, Robert C. Buchanan, found him drunk on duty as a pay officer. Another story claims that the term "lobbying" actually originated from the practice of political wheelers and dealers who frequented The Williard Hotel's lobby where Grant would often enjoy cigars and brandy.

    And perhaps, the most damning evidence of Grant's drunkeness… his beard.


    joemccarthySen. Joseph McCarthy

    The Senator from Wisconsin who led the fight on Communism (thereby cultivating a culture of panic and needlessly destroying many innocent lives while desecrating the freedoms that make America great) was many things. But he was not a quitter.

    He did not cease in his unsubstantiated accusations of Communist infiltration of the State department. He never tired in his vilifying of opponents as pinkos and Commies. And he would not quit drinking.

    A full-blown alcoholic, he died from cirrhosis of the liver in 1957.


    President Richard Nixon

    They called Richard Nixon "Tricky Dick," but maybe they should have called him Drinky McDrinksalot. (Well, sure it doesn't have the same ring to it. And it doesn't really convey his penchant for dirty politics which was the point of the nickname. Also, his heavy drinking wasn't common knowledge so probably only those closest to him would have really been in a position to call him that and, frankly, I just can't picture Henry Kissinger saying that. But still, it seems Nixon did like to get his drink on, so, y'know, as far as nicknames go, I guess you could do worse.)

    Previously released phone transcripts indicate that five days into the 1973 Arab-Israeli war, Nixon was too drunk to discuss the crisis with the British prime minister. Of course, in Nixon's defense, Dark Side of the Moon had just come out so there is every reason to believe that what his advisors mistook for drunkeness was really just our Commander in Chief being baked out of his mind.


    Sen. John Tower

    In the history of our Nation, only nine cabinet appointees have failed to be sworn in, but Senator John Tower — George H.W. Bush's choice for Secretary of Defense was one of them.

    Why? Well, during his nomination hearings, conservative activist Paul Weyrick testified that Tower was "morally unfit" to serve as Pentagon Chief because of excessive drinking and womanizing. Weyrick even claimed to have witnessed this behavior on several occasions. As an aside, I'd like you to just think of times when you've been drunk and womanizing. Can you picture anyone ever observing you soberly and silent in a corner, taking notes for a future day? Boy those conservative activists are fun.

    In any event, Tower publicly pledged to abstain from alcohol if he were confirmed as defense secretary. And yet, he was not. That's pretty damn drinky.


    Sen. Bob Packwood

    Sometimes people gladly confess to alcoholic indulgences rather than taking full responsibility for behavior society finds more offensive. For example, when Oregon Senator Bob Packwood was confronted with multiple claims of sexual harassment by several women, he claimed the indiscretions were the result of his drinking problem.

    He subsequently underwent counseling while being reviewed by the Senate Ethics Committee. After a prolonged investigation in which more women came forward, Packwood eventually resigned in 1995.

    So does he belong on this list? I mean, maybe he was just a sex addict. I don't know. Perhaps, history will never know, but if a man who inappropriately makes sexual advantages on multiple women wants to be called an alcoholic and I'm writing a column on political alcoholics then I'm not going to let things like details and the truth stand in the way.


    Sen. Ted Kennedy

    Oh, it's easy to make fun of Ted Kennedy.

    Well, not really that easy considering how close to death he is, but still easy in the sense that most people believe his drunk driving led to the death of a woman.

    Wait I guess that's not funny either. And in 1991 he was partying down in Palm Beach, Florida — festivities that led to the rape trial of his nephew, William Kennedy Smith.

    Damn, that's not at all humorous. Maybe alcohol abuse and the things that come from it aren't actually that appropriate for a comedy web site?

    Could that be?


    Honorable Mention

    You might be wondering why this article fails to mention Dick Cheney who had two DUIs or George Bush who had one. Well, maybe it's because that after eight years it's nice not to have to cover them. Congrats, boys. You didn't make the list. Enjoy your St. Patrick's Day. Drink up.

    Tags: Edward Kennedy, Joseph McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Senate, Ulysses S. Grant