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Rick Perry
  • Rick Perry Wins Coveted "Worst Candidate of 2012" Award

    Before reading any further, I'd like you to take a moment to consider the unprecedented competition for this honor from the Washington Post's The Fix in the 2012 election cycle. In almost any other year, a sentient burlap sack like Tim Pawlenty would have been a favorite to be considered the "worst candidate." This time, he's not even a finalist. We had genuinely insane candidates, embarrassingly misinformed candidates and proudly bigoted candidates. Christ, man, we actually had Donald Trump in the mix for a little while!

    So, I hope Rick Perry is aware of his phenomenal achievement

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    Tags: Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry
  • Welcome Ted Cruz, Your Newest Tea Party Senator

    Ted Cruz, a conservative Texas attorney and Hispanic Bill Murray imitator, defeated Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst in the Republican primary runoff to replace the retiring Kay Bailey Hutchison, who was a far saner senator for far longer than Texans had a right to expect. Cruz received 56 percent of the vote to Dewhurst's 44 percent and is going to be our newest Tea Party aligned senator, barring a meteor strike that levels everything except San Antonio and Austin.

    As Dave Weigel and others have noted, Cruz's success has many fathers — to date, the only negative consequence of same-sex marriage anyone has uncovered. The Club for Growth provided millions in financing, while Senator Jim DeMint threw his support to Cruz last year, as part of a broader effort to ensure that reliably Republican Senate seats are held exclusively by politicians who think the United Nations' Agenda 21 is a communist plot to get rid of golf courses.

    Nevertheless, much of the credit for Cruz's victory has to go to Governor Rick Perry, who endorsed Dewhurst…

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    Tags: Kay Bailey Hutchison, Rick Perry, Senate, Ted Cruz, Texas
  • Obama's GOP Cronies Continue Unrelenting Assault on Mitt Romney

    Somebody tell Barack Obama to call off the dogs on his opponent. This is getting disgusting. Just look at this growing list of highly-partisan Obama spokespeople who will just not cease hammering Mitt Romney on his refusal to release more than two years worth of tax returns.

    Texas governor, drinking buddy with Obama and one other thing, Rick Perry

    "I'm a big believer that no matter who you are or what office you're running for, you should be as transparent as you can be with your tax returns and other aspects of your life so that people have the appropriate ability to judge your background and what have you,"

    Vehemently anti-big government pen pal to Obama, Ron Paul

    Texas Rep. Ron Paul said Tuesday that Mitt Romney should release more of his tax returns… "In the scheme of things politically, you know, it looks like releasing tax returns is what the people want."

    Right-wing BFF of the President, William Kristol

    "He should release the tax returns tomorrow. It's crazy. You gotta release six, eight, ten years of back tax returns. Take the hit for a day or two."

    Obama's flunkies on the highly conservative Nation Review editorial board

    "He's a politician running for the highest office in the land, and his current posture is probably unsustainable. In all likelihood, he won't be able to maintain a position that looks secretive and is a departure from campaign conventions."

    Conservative pundit and WOW guild member with Obama, George Will

    "If something’s going to come out, get it out in a hurry. I do not know why, given that Mitt Romney knew the day that McCain lost in 2008 that he was going to run for president again that he didn’t get all of this out and tidy up some of his offshore accounts and all the rest."

    Alabama governor and tennis partner to Obama, Robert Bentley

    "If you have things to hide, then maybe you’re doing things wrong. I think you ought to be willing to release everything to the American people."

    Do the President and his coterie of sycophantic lackeys have no shame at all?!

    Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, National Review, Rick Perry, Robert Bentley, William Kristol
  • A Recipe for Roast Individual Mandate Broccoli

    When the Roberts' majority struck down the section of the Affordable Care Act penalizing states that refuse to expand the Medicaid program, most health care experts downplayed the import of the decision, arguing that Republican governors and legislators would be insane to turn down free money — the federal government will pay 90% of the costs of expansion (100% in the first three years) – to insure their populations.

    Which raises the question: Have any of these policy health wonks ever met a Republican lawmaker? Because this morning, Rick Perry made Texas the 5th state to promise to reject Medicaid expansion, joining the likes of Lousiana's Bobby Jindal, who argued that Obamacare would pave the way for Michelle Obama's tofu tax mandate.

    As of now, there's no tofu mandate, but it's increasingly likely that poor citizens of red states will not be getting any new health care beyond the mandatory broccoli we've all heard so much about. I'm reminded of an old family saying: When life hands you broccoli, you should roast it, because raw broccoli is fucking disgusting. Here's what you do…

    * Heat your oven to a temperature the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change's scarier models predict is in our future. 425 degrees will do.

    * Cut the broccoli florets into bite size pieces. Add minced garlic. Toss with olive oil, sea salt and pepper. Spread the broccoli out in an even layer on a baking sheet.

    * Roast in the oven until the broccoli is brown-ish enough that it would be ineligible to vote in Mississippi or Florida. Approximately 20 minutes should do it.

    Stay healthy and enjoy!

    Photo by Adam Hester/Stockbyte/Getty Images

    Tags: Bobby Jindal, Food, Health, Health Care, Medicaid, Rick Perry
  • Here Are Those GOP Presidential Candidate Butt Plugs You Ordered

    I'm not one-hundred percent certain I understand why you ordered a bunch of butt plugs contoured to reflect "approval ratings amongst registered Republican voters for each of the GOP presidential candidates," but I'm sure you have your reasons…

    It would appear as though that sudden uptick in support Rick Santorum received back in February may prove to be more painful than originally expected.

    Tags: Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Polls, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sex