Certainly there's no joke funnier in that laugh-to-keep-yourself-from-uncontrollable-sobbing-as-you-hug-yourself-and-rock-gently-back-forth-and-try-to-go-to-your-happy-place way than the idea that Rick Perry could have been President of the United States, but Perry gave it the old D-student college try at the Gridiron Club. His five best zingers, in my opinion:
Perry said his Texas A&M degree in animal husbandry is "what Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage leads to."
On Ron Paul: "He's the crazy uncle you expect to pull a nickel out of your ear."
On George W. Bush: "My favorite part [of his presidential library] is the petting zoo." And..
"The only difference between George and me is I say 'oops.'"
On Mitt Romney: "I like Mitt Romney as much as any good-looking man can like another good-looking man and not break Texas law."
That last joke is funny because… Texas law is frequently horrible, and it took a decision by the Supreme Court to invalidate the statute that did, in fact, make criminals out of loving couples. Still, a pretty good, self-aware performance. Who knew so much comedy could be found in the realization that Perry was the stupid Texas governor?
Photo by Jonathan Gibby/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: George Bush, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul
* From CollegeHumor.com, cartoon dogs against Mitt Romney.
* U.S. citizen steps down after making critical comments about the country, from The Onion.
* It's that time of the month again for Rick Perry's Facebook wall.
* …speaking of which, women are sending crochets of their crotch to Congress.
* Cheech Marin writes about the American dream of more tacos.
* National Lampoon unveils Nixon's lost love letters.
Tags: House of Representatives, Rick Perry, The Onion, Women's Rights
Remember Rick Perry? Somehow, a strategy of "I'm the governor of Texas, what could possibly go wrong if I'm elected president?" failed to elicit sufficient support in the Republican primary, so Perry is back in Texas, executin' convicts and cuttin' government services.
The latest Perry victim isn't the Texas education system, which would have been an understandable target given how badly it failed him as a youth, but the Medicaid-funded Women's Health Program, which delivers mammograms and other cancer screenings to low-income women. Under a law signed by Perry earlier this month, Planned Parenthood was excluded from participating in Texas's program due to its provision — using private funds — of abortion services. As a result, the federal government is withholding its $35 million contribution, 90% of the program's total funding.
So where will the 130,000 women who depended on Planned Parenthood clinics turn to for their healthcare needs? To Perry himself, obviously. Women have been flooding Perry's Facebook page with extremely graphic questions about their menstrual cycles and other exciting vaginal adventures:
I just hope no one asks more than two things!
Screen capture via Facebook.com/Photo by Jonathan Gibby/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Abortion, Health, Planned Parenthood, Rick Perry, Texas, Women's Rights
This Valentine's Day, it's important to know that the greatest gifts are the ones you can look forward to enjoying again and again. Flowers wilt and are eventually eaten by the dog. Chocolate goes stale and is eventually eaten by the dog. Ultimately, you're left with nothing but some memories and no dog. That's why the best gift I received today was news that Rick Perry might run for president again in 2016.
After being asked about his experience debating the 2012 GOP candidates at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, Perry replied…
"Debates have absolutely nothing to do with governing. But they do have everything to do with political theater," Perry said reviewing his performance.
"It was great practice," he said of the debates.
Asked if that was a reference to a possible 2016 run, he responded "it could be."
If Perry's 2012 run was just practice, his 2016 gaffes are going to be off the hook! Maybe he'll spray paint the n-word on his front door, or forget what a government is, or propose a law where no one is allowed to tell children where babies come from. Maybe he'll order us to water our crops with Brawndo. The possibilities are endless.
I, for one, hope we never get rid of Rick Perry, and that he'll stick around forever, like another gift you'll always remember: incurable gonorrhea.
Photo by Jonathan Gibby/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: 2016, Republicans, Rick Perry, Sex, Texas, Valentine's Day
When Rick Perry belatedly entered the Republican race back in August, a goodly number of Republican voters and conservative pundits responded to his arrival as though he were their long-awaited savior, who would do no less than move mountains in his question to restore America's greatness.
As it turns out, he was capable of an even more amazing feat…
The poll shows 40 percent of Texans approve of the job Perry’s doing as governor — down 10 points from a year ago. He has lost ground among Republicans — from 73 to 60 percent over the past year — and also independents, from almost half to 27 percent.
Comparably, 43 percent of Texans currently approve of the job Obama is doing as president. "Perry's approval rating is now down there with the president. And that's not a good thing," [pollster Mickey] Blum said.
Gah! Those numbers can't be real can they? Rick Perry managed to make a good ol' boy dominionist Evangelical Christian uber-conservative Republican governor who advocates states' rights less popular than an African American academic federal-power-expanding liberal Democratic president with a Muslimy-sounding name?!?! Has a feat of such an astounding magnitude ever been achieved before? It seems doubtful.
This man truly was — as he and his family have stated multiple times — sent by God to enact His heavenly will. But what could the Almighty's intentions have actually been?
The poll showed that most Texans — 53 percent — do not want to see Perry seek another term as governor. Even some of his strongest supporters — 41 percent of Republicans and 35 percent of those who voted for him two years ago — don’t want him to run again.
Clearly, God has been angling toward getting Gov. Perry out of office altogether.
His will be done.
Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Polls, Rick Perry, Texas