John Edwards — the not-quite-guilty-enough subject of a recent federal investigation – and his mistress/baby mama/dead-wife disparager/destroyer-of-worlds Rielle Hunter have officially split up, which means there's yet another unemployed bad boy in our dating pool, ladieeeeees!
If you're able to catch this eligible bachelor's eye (Hint: Get within five feet of him), here are some important dating tips…
* Take it slow. Edwards may be a little vulnerable after everything he's gone through. Being single may be hard for him at first. After all, being married and having sex with every woman who hits on you is a lot different from being single and having sex with every woman who hits on you.
* Expect him to revert. Maybe things will go well on the first date and then boom, you're dry humping behind a plant in the hotel lobby where you met five minutes ago. Don't be upset if he whispers in your ear that if you get pregnant, you'll need to say the hotel concierge is the father. Old dogs usually only know one trick.
* Stay casual. If things get serious, Edwards may try to buy you an apartment or a car or therapist. Don't accept any of these gifts. Not because you don't need them. You do. Especially the last one. But so does he. Or rather, his children will.
* Don't get jealous. This man is a politician. It's part of his job to crinkle those pretty blue eyes at anything that makes his pants feel tight. Well, he used to be a politician. The only job he could get now is Italian Prime Minister. Maybe President of France.
* Finally, have fun while it lasts, because it won't. Bad boys never stay, and when they leave there's usually something to remember them by, like a baby or an STD. Or, if you're lucky, a book deal.
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter
It's not everyday that you get to report on a press conference about your old roommate's penis and pecs. But, oddly enough, whenever it does happen, Andrew Breitbart is usually standing there for some reason…
Coverage continues with fellow Democratic idiot John Edwards' funny-slash-sad-slash-funny-again own story after the jump.
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Tags: Andrew Breitbart, Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Democrats, House of Representatives, John Edwards, Jon Stewart, Money, New York, Rielle Hunter, Scandalgate, Sex, The Daily Show, Video
It is with a hearty OMG and a loud WTF that we "report" (i.e., repost) the news that a federal grand jury charged former Senator John Edwards with using a buttload of campaign dinero to cover up the fact that he'd knocked up some crazyass hippie.
Specifically, the feds say he illegally spent $925,000 in campaign contributions to hide Rielle Hunter during the 2008 presidential campaign…
The grand jury's indictment in the case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contained six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of receiving illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.
The indictment said the payments were a scheme to protect Edwards' White House ambitions. "A centerpiece of Edwards' candidacy was his public image as a devoted family man," the indictment said.
"Edwards knew that public revelation of the affair and the pregnancy would destroy his candidacy by, among other things, undermining Edwards' presentation of himself as a family man and by forcing his campaign to divert personnel and resources away from other campaign activities to respond to criticism and media scrutiny regarding the affair and pregnancy," the indictment added.
We hope those last two paragraphs were interesting, because we stopped reading after the article reminded us that John Edwards's real actual first name is "Johnny." Like, it's on his birth certificate. Like, he could've been a dance instructor at a old Borscht Belt Jewish resort in the Catskills back in the day and taught one innocent teenage girl how to dance… and to love. Or he could've been the subject of any one of like six Liz Phair songs. Or maybe Johnny used to work on the docks, until the union went on strike and — wait, no, that was Tommy.
Anyway, enjoy paying your way out of this one and never going to jail, Johnny! Because we all know that's what's going to happen, you handsome, white, corrupt, floppy-haired megamillionaire, you. Congratulations on not being poor and black, the end.
Photo by Charles Eshelman/FilmMagic /Getty Images
Tags: Crime, Democrats, John Edwards, Money, Rielle Hunter, Scandalgate
What-oh! This is not the turn John Edwards and his magnificent hair expected their fabulous life would take: He's facing criminal charges from the Justice Department.
Why, you ask? Oh, he allegedly used campaign funds to cover up the fact that he was railing some middle-aged New Age blonde groupie…
Mr. Edwards, 57, has been the subject of a two-year investigation into whether he used more than $1 million from political donors to hide his affair while he ran for president in 2008. Investigators have said that the money came from two top donors — Rachel Mellon, the heiress to the Mellon fortune known as Bunny, and Fred Baron, Mr. Edward’s finance chairman, who died in 2008.
There’s a chance he's getting a sweet plea deal, which he can certainly afford. Remember, this is a dude who built a 28,000 square foot house in North Carolina, for funz. He is disgusting in so many beautiful ways and probably counts them while swimming through his piles of money.
In case you care, which you don't, his ex-or-current girlfriend Rielle Hunter is gonna be fine. Her crazy ass is shopping a book to publishers, approximately one year after America stopped giving a shit about her creepy sex life.
All in all, a gross conclusion to a gross story about gross people. Thanks, Johnny!
Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Crime, John Edwards, Money, Rielle Hunter, Sex