This is your weekly all you can tweet buffet of political news. Go ahead, start with the dessert table you animal.
Anthony Weiner must feel like an idiot– no self-respecting politician wears boxer-briefs.
It's nice to know that Mitt probably voted Democrat in '04 when he saw that Kerry had joined Team (John) Edwards.
Tags: American Idol, Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Chris Christie, Cindy McCain, Donald Trump, Meghan McCain, Michael Ian Black, Mitt Romney, Rob Kutner, Sarah Palin, Twitter, Tworld News
Well, we're halfway through one of the two political conventions, and at least one thing's clear: We are only a quarter of the way through convention season. And yet we in the Apocalypse Party have already managed to find encouraging signs that the end is nigh in all the major speeches. For instance, why was Michelle Obama trying so hard to "humanize" herself — is she actually a Cylon? (Though if she is, she's a Democrat so we can assume she does not have a plan.) Did anyone else notice Dennis Kucinich finishing off his barnburner of a speech with a gesture that might have been a landing signal to the UFOs? And as far as Hillary's big speech last night? Let's just say her pantsuit was at "Alert Level: Elevated."
SIGN: Hillary Clinton sends powerful message of unity to Democratic Party.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Hillary's message so powerful, it actually unifies the entire party into one giant creature, known as "Demogorgon."
WHAT TO EXPECT: Demogorgon's insatiable lust for arugula and Chardonnay decimates nations, while his need to prove his patriotism with a flag lapel pin wipes out world copper reserves. Lack of new pennies destroys global economy.
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Demogorgon a shoe-in for White House, thanks to his possessing billions of years of experience.
Tags: Colorado, Democratic National Convention, Denver, Hillary Clinton, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
We're less than one week away from the political party conventions: that magical time when choirs are preached to, foregone conclusions forewent, and thousands of patriotic balloons showered onto the sweaty. But with any luck, a much less horrific scenario (like a mushroom cloud or supervillain's freeze ray) will decide the future leadership of the world first. So whether you're planning to take refuge in a city a mile above the ground, or inside a mall the size of a military base, here’s a critical plank to look forward to in the Apocalypse Party's platform:
SIGN: Thousands of electronic voting machines decommissioned and trashed.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Now liberated from their county masters, these always-suspiciously-intelligent beings turn for instructions to their Creator, Karl Rove.
WHAT TO EXPECT: You were concerned about arch-conservative Supreme Court Justice appointments before? Imagine one who can never die.
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Court 2.0 will reverse Roe v. Wade just in time to stop Sarah Connor from going through with the abortion.
Tags: Karl Rove, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
We're only two weeks away from the political party conventions: that magical time when choirs are preached to, foregone conclusions forewent, and thousands of patriotic balloons showered onto the sweaty. But with any luck, a much less horrific scenario (like a mushroom cloud or supervillain's freeze ray) will decide the future leadership of the world first. So whether you're planning to take refuge in a city a mile above the ground, or inside a mall the size of a military base, here's a critical plank to look forward to in the Apocalypse Party's platform:
SIGN: Retired Republican Congressman Jim Leach of Iowa endorses Obama.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Stunning betrayal of pro-Life principles by an Iowan prompts the angry emergence of the Unborn Fetuses of the Corn. Factory farm equipment grinds them into the corn, triggering a worldwide taste for cannibalism.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Global food crisis averted as humans "look to themselves" for sustenance. Americans play a key part, being deemed both "most succulent" and "least able to run away."
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Bennigans' fortune is revived with the introduction of its new appetizer, "Those-Who-Used-to-Consume-Poppers Poppers."
Tags: Barack Obama, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse
Both Presidential candidates are running on a platform of change, and to some extent they're already making good on that — whether it's Obama changing his story on the surge, or McCain changing the names of entire countries. But we in the Apocalypse Party demand real change, the kind that will only come from far outside the Beltway — as in, asteroid, alien landing force, or Jesus-gathering-up-the-righteous far. So whether our new leaders decide to reduce government (by means of a shrink ray) or build new coalitions (of slaves, to build their giant ziggurats), here's another sign that the end-times are coming, to finally put an end to "politics as usual":
SIGN: Republican Congressmen hold "protest session" demanding House return from recess to vote on oil production.
WHY THAT'S A SIGN: Groundswell of public support for solving all our energy problems through more drilling permanently ends the institution of recess for Congress. Mania continues until it's also abolished for schoolchildren. Tens of millions of kids raise their "inside voices" in bloody rebellion.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Insatiable demand for sugar and animation denudes world's corn fields and beet farms, and the entire country of South Korea. And when supplies dry up, you thought a nuclear meltdown was terrifying…?
WHY THAT'S GREAT NEWS: Kid-run industrial civilization leaves a tinier (and more adorable) carbon footprint.
Tags: Energy & Oil, Rob Kutner, The Daily Show, This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse