California State Senator Pleads No Contest to Being a Gay Drunk Driver

Hey, remember that anti-gay rights California state senator who was arrested for drinking and driving after leaving a gay club with a gay guy in the passenger seat of his car?

Yeah, well, it looks like he's going to jail. For being a gay. Or something. Honestly, I just kinda skimmed this story and got the gist…

State Sen. Roy Ashburn, R-Bakersfield, pleaded no contest to driving under the influence of alcohol this morning in Sacramento Superior Court…

Judge Russell L. Hom sentenced Ashburn to three years of informal probation and 48 hours in the county jail, though he was given credit for one day for the night of his arrest and will serve the remaining day on a work project.

The fine and other fees ultimately will cost Ashburn $1,900 to $2,000, said prosecutor Robert Clancey… "He got no less punishment than anyone else" would, Clancey said.

Did you read those paragraphs that I randomely chose to post? I was right, right? It's 'cause he's gay, isn't it? I knew it!

Tags: Alcohol, California, LGBT, Roy Ashburn

Roy Ashburn Outs Himself, Shocks Entire World

It turns out that Roy Ashburn — the anti-gay California state senator who was pulled over on a DUI while leaving a gay club with a gay man — is coming out as gay! Homina homina homina whaaa?!?!?!

"I'm gay," he said in a radio interview. "Those are the words that have been so difficult for me for so long."

The Sacramento Bee's Capitol Alert blog reports that Ashburn explained that he voted the way he did on gay rights because he felt that's what the voters of his district wanted.

As of press time, the also anti-immigration state senator has not yet admitted to having any Latino in him.

Though it's certainly not for lack of trying.

(via Dan Savage)

Update: Ashburn, by the way, plans on continuing his perfect record of voting against gay rights. For his constituents, he contends. Because that's how they'd want him to vote.

Too bad, they have term limits in California's state senate. I'm certain his beloved homophobic constituents would have jumped at the chance to re-instate him as their representative.

Tags: California, Haggard's Law, LGBT, Republicans, Roy Ashburn

"Haggard's Law," Please Add It to Your Lexicon

Last night, a friend and I were discussing the yawnful revelation that a conservative anti-gay legislator has amazingly somehow turned out to be gay — as well as the just-then-breaking news that Vatican blah blah blah gay sex scandal blah blah blah staggeringly extreme hypocrisy blah blah blah — and my friend dismissively waved it all off, muttering something about "Haggard's Law."

Now, I'm not sure if my friend believes to have made up "Haggard's Law" or heard it someplace else, but I consulted The Oracle of the Internet, and it turns out it's been in existence kinda sorta since around the time the anti-gay conservative religious leader Ted Haggard was outed as the closeted meth-smoking hypocrite (and supposedly now straight advocate of praying away the gay) that he is.

It is, in the best way that I can state it…

Haggard's Law – The likelihood of a person harboring secret desires to engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with members of the same sex is directly proportional to the frequency and volume of said person's vocalized objections to homosexuality.

Now, I have no idea why I had never heard this phrase until last night, nor do I know why this isn't more popular than it currently is. But I think that needs to change. I think this needs to be as common in Internet parlance as "Poe's Law," "Godwin's Law" and xkcd's 4chan's "Rule 34."

From now on, every time somebody combs their hair and puts on a tie and makes himself look all nice so that he can go on television or stand in front of a congregation and loudly explain why one group of people do not deserve the same rights as everybody else because of their sexual orientation, the first thing that should go through all of our minds is "Haggard's Law."

And then we should dismissively wave it off and go get another beer.

Can we do this? Can we do this, please?

Update: Whoops. My mistake. I mistakenly attributed Rule 34 to xkcd, when I should have attributed it to 4chan. I am a terrible, terrible person. (Thanks, LK, manmanpotty and Randall Munroe. (I suppose I'll take your word on it, I guess.))

Update also: Thanks to jason and/or maxiplatypus for this: Haggard's Law has made it past the difficult academic review board, and is now included in Urban Dictionary.

Tags: California, Catholic Church, Haggard's Law, LGBT, Roy Ashburn, Scandalgate, Ted Haggard, Vatican

Anti-Gay Rights Republican Arrested for DUI After Leaving Gay Bar Because Obviously

Is it safe yet to just go on and assume that every pro-"family values," anti-gay rights Republican legislator is a closeted homosexual?

A state senator from Southern California was arrested for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a gay nightclub in midtown Sacramento, early Wednesday morning…

[Roy] Ashburn, a father of four, is a Republican Senator representing parts of Kern, Tulare and San Bernardino Counties with a history of opposing gay rights.

Seriously, we need to just make this a commonplace assumption, to the point where saying something stupid like "homosexuals don't want equal rights; they want special rights" is universally considered a euphemism for "I will take you out behind the kid's tree fort and stick my tongue down your pants as soon as my wife falls asleep."

Tags: California, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Roy Ashburn, Scandalgate