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Rush Limbaugh
  • Rush Limbaugh Delights the Irony Gods

    As you may have heard, Lena Dunham recently endorsed Obama while acknowledging sex as a thing people do. Conservatives immediately criticized the ad, but none quite so entertainingly as good ol' Rush

    "[The ad is] insulting to women. It again looks at women as monolithic sex machines who want to make sure they've got unending birth control pills and then a free trip to Planned Parenthood the next day, all paid for by Obama."

    Uh huh. Now, you might say a man like Limbaugh — who believes women's sexual activity is directly correlated to the amount of birth control they take – has no business criticizing others for misrepresenting women's sexuality. You might even say a man like that is himself guilty of portraying women he disagrees with as "monolithic sex machines" (or "sluts") while willfully ignoring any legitimate points they have.

    That's all.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Rush Limbaugh, Women's Rights
  • Glenn Beck Brand Jeans Is a Real Thing

    We're getting into the third act of the Glenn Beck biopic. This is where the main character's carefully foreshadowed selling-out phase reaches a ridiculous height. Any second now, an old zoo crew buddy will show up to say, "You've changed man. You used to be about the crazy, reckless, borderline-racist rants. Now, you're all about the money!"

    Glenn Beck does his best Sam Elliot impression while selling his brand of patriotic jeans

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    Tags: Advertising, Glenn Beck, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh
  • Rush Limbaugh Explains the Liberal Polling Conspiracy

    Look, everybody knows that all the lamestream polling this year is flat out wrong. It's an open secret. As Fox News pundit Dick Morris said — right around the time he convincingly argued that Mitt Romney was currently favored to win the country by 4 or 5 points and take Pennsylvania — "The polling this year is the worst it’s ever been."

    But why? Why is it so bad? Why would the vast majority of these statistician be willing to pervert the science they hold so dear, to endanger their livelihoods and their professional reputations like this?

    Rush Limbaugh knows why, and he's not afraid to share

    "The purpose of the people right now, most of them doing these polls, they're trying to make news, not reflect it, they're advancing an agenda. They're all Democrats. They're all liberals. They just have different jobs. The polls are the replacement refs. They see certain things. They don't see other things. They don't call certain things, and other things go by.

    "In this case, what they're trying to do is exactly what they've done in your case: frustrate you, make you pull your hair out, say, what the hell's happening to the country? They want you thinking the country's lost. They want you thinking your side's lost. They want you thinking it's over for what you believe. And that makes you stay home and not vote. That's what they're hoping. That's why you have to fight it every day…"

    Oh! A vast conspiracy of mathematicians! It's so obvious! How did I not think of this myself? Ugh, I could just kick myself in the head.

    You know, what probably happened was that all these math guys saw how much fun their friends down the hall in the biology department were having convincing the world that humanity is descended from ape-like ancestors and was not molded by God's very hand from the dust of the ground (as it so obviously was!), that they decided do something similar.

    I hope you're having fun ruining the country for your own personal enjoyment, statisticians! I hope the nationwide doom isn't too large a price to pay.

    .

    Related: Rush Limbaugh Blames Feminists For His Tiny Penis

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Conspiracies, Dick Morris, Fox News, Mitt Romney, Polls, Rush Limbaugh, Science & Technology
  • Rush Limbaugh Blames Feminists For His Tiny Penis

    It's not often that I feel sympathy for our nation's too-big-to-fail radio host, but, as Anton Chekhov wrote,  "Every happy man should have some one with a little hammer at his door to knock and remind him that there are unhappy people and that, however happy he may be, life will sooner or later show its claws, and some misfortune will befall him — illness, poverty, loss…"

    So no matter how much I may revile the conservative broadcaster, I think I should take this moment to express our condolences to Rush, lest we be the happy men who neither see nor hear others in their time of illness and misfortune…

    "I think it's feminism. If it's tied to the last 50 years — the average size of [a male's] member is 10 percent smaller than 50 years [ago] — it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give them time and they'll blame Bush. But air pollution versus feminazis? Ha!"

    Limbaugh was referring to an Italian study which purported to show a 10% decline in penis size over a 50 year period and laid the blame on weight gain around the waist, alcohol consumption, smoking, stress and environmental pollutants. None of which are problems for Limbaugh, of course. In his case, it was definitely the Teeny Weenie committee of the National Organization for Women that's causing shrinkage.

    But no matter who or what is ultimately responsible, let's keep Rush in our thoughts as he goes through this difficult time.

    Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images


    Tags: Health, Men and Women, Rush Limbaugh
  • Is Mitt Romney Already President?

    A lot of attention this election cycle has been focused on the question of what Mitt Romney would do as president. "There's a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you'd be in a different situation," said Richard Williamson, a Romney adviser, as he told the story of a world in which the trees are the right height and our embassies aren't stormed.

    But questions about what Mitt Romney would do elide the question, "Is Mitt Romney already the president?" Consider Vice President Joe Biden's remarks on Meet the Press

    "Based on what President Romney has said as it relates to his view, for example, him saying our arch-enemy, I'm paraphrasing, is Russia , though he called it the Soviets, is Russia ."

    That's just crazy uncle Joe being himself. But here's Sean Hannity from last night

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    Tags: Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity