Friday's Links: A Pun Contest To Put You in Missouri

* Winner of the O. Henry Pun-Off: Jerzy Gwiazdowski.

* Team Coco vs. Team Kim Jong-Un.

* The most awkward elevator ride in the history of Congress?

* Nathan For You catches a vandal and makes a PSA out of him.

* They don't make filibusters like they used to, do they Strom Thurmond?

* Cracked says space travel sucks because we don't belong there or some nonsense.

* Baby Geniuses podcast talks to Guy Branam about the amazing Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

* If the U.S.S. Monitor  had let the Union's blockade fall, we'd all be speaking Confederacy now.

Tags: Civil War, Conan O'Brien, Daily Links, Dennis Rodman, John McCain, Kim Jong-un, Rand Paul, Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Vulture-Like Ideologues Circling Supreme Court Justices

Did you know that about a third of the current Supreme Court Justices are, like, really old? It's true. Three of them are going to turn 80 during the next presidential term. That means they're gonna die soon.

Which, obviously, is great news for somebody or other, depending upon who wins the general election in November…

The next president, whether it's Obama or a Republican, also has a reasonable shot at transforming the majority on the Supreme Court, because three justices representing the closely divided court's liberal and conservative wings, as well as its center, will turn 80 before the next presidential term ends.

The three justices are Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the leader of the court's liberal wing, conservative Antonin Scalia, and Anthony Kennedy, who leans conservative but on some issues provides a decisive vote for the liberals.

The next high court opening would cause a titanic confirmation fight if it would allow a Republican president to cement conservative control of the court by replacing Ginsburg or if Obama could give Democratic appointees a working majority for the first time in decades by replacing Scalia or Kennedy.

Obviously, it's a bit gauche to openly root for either the death or infirmament of a human being. That said, this narrow and extreme ideology is not going to push itself onto largely unwilling populace of the nation.

So, come on, Grim Reaper. Snap to it!

(via Think Progress)

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Anthony Kennedy, Antonin Scalia, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Senior Citizens, Supreme Court

The Onion: Supreme Court Upholds Freedom of Speech in Obscenity-Filled Ruling

The Onion reports…

"It is the opinion of this court that the right to speak without censorship or fear of intimidation is fundamental to a healthy democracy," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote for the majority. "Furthermore, the court finds that the right to say whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, is not only a founding tenet, but remains essential to the continued success of this nation."

Added Ginsburg, "In short, freedom of speech means the freedom of fucking speech, you ignorant cocksuckers."

I do declare! I find this satirical news article to be spot on, good people.

Tags: Bill of Rights, Constitution, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court, The Onion

Sen. Jim Bunning Sees Dead Supreme Court Justices

Kentucky's junior senator took the time this past weekend to drive an obsidian dagger into a live goat so that he might pull forth the sacrificial beast's steaming entrails and prognosticate the future of the U.S. Supreme Court…

U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning predicted over the weekend that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would likely be dead from pancreatic cancer within nine months.

Senator, please tell us, though. Will Justice Ginsburg at least be killed by the good kind of cancer that you get better from?

"Bad cancer. The kind that you don't get better from," he told a crowd of about 100 at the old State Theater.

The holy man then went on to predict that Barack Obama's stimulus package would drive the nation further into debt before asking his stunned congregation for some tithings…

"I'm not only asking for your support, but if you have a $25 check somewhere, or whatever, you can send it, I'll cash it," he told the group.

He then finished up his rites by placing a hex…

on National Republican Senatorial Committee chairman John Cornyn of Texas… for not using Senatorial committee funds to help him and conservative Sens. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and David Vitter of Louisiana."

Tags: David Vitter, Jim Bunning, Jim DeMint, John Cornyn, Kentucky, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Senate, Supreme Court, Tom Coburn

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Diagnosed With One of the Bad Forms of Cancer

Well, here's some bad news…

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the only woman currently serving on the nation's highest court, underwent surgery Thursday for removal of a cancerous tumor from her pancreas.

Ginsburg's pancreatic cancer was discovered early, in the course of a routine annual screening, but medical literature says even in this circumstance, a patient's five-year survival chances range from 10 to 30 percent.

Doctors say the relatively bleak survival rate associated with pancreatic cancer is due in significant part to the fact that cancers of the pancreas are often discovered late, when the cancer is very advanced.

You know what? I'm gonna say that I hope Ginsburg gets better soon and let this one pass without making a joke.

Ever since my old blog Cansterical! went under, I've been a little gunshy about making jokes on this subject.

And I'm also not too kean on getting punched in the face again. (My mom's got some knuckles!)

Tags: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court