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Sasha Obama
  • America Welcomes Its New First Puppy!

    America's three-month nightmare is over!

    The good people of the United States finally have a First Dog again!

    That Bo's a handsome dog, huh? And from the Kennedy lineage? That's oddly fitting. Although, it's somewhat disconcerting to know that even our pets have to come from the proper political dynasty. (I'm sure that, in 2013, President Palin's family will be given a Great Dane that was second cousins to a Reagan or something.)

    Of course, in a situation like this, there's only one person whose opinion really matters. And, obviously, I'm talking about Newt Gingrich. Obviously…

    "I hope that the girls love the dog," Gingrich said on ABC's This Week. "I hope the family — and all the pressure they're going to be in — finds it useful. And I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

    The Obama girls better keep that confarned dog off Ol' Man Gingrich's lawn if they know what's good for 'em.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bo Obama, Edward Kennedy, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Newt Gingrich, Puppies!, Sasha Obama, White House
  • PuppyGate!: Will the Obama Girls Know No End to Their Suffering?

    Barack Obama promised us a fucking dog when he got back from Europe. He's back from Europe. Where's the fucking dog?

    [Yesterday] afternoon at a planting event at the White House vegetable garden, CBS News’ Mark Knoller asked First Lady Michelle Obama when the newest member of the family would arrive at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    "Soon!" Mrs. Obama said.

    The always-tenacious Knoller followed up: "How soon?"

    "Sooon!" the first lady said.

    I'm sorry, but "sooon" isn't sooon enough for me. I — personally, as an American — need for Sasha and Malia Obama to get their new little dog sooooooooooon. (I was gonna say, "soooooooooooooooooooooooon," but I didn't want to seem unreasonable.)

    This country has been asked to endure a lot these past couple months. Record unemployment rates. Money taken out of our paychecks and slipped into the bonus envelopes of Wall Street bankers. Fucking pirates attacking us at sea! Come on! Is it to much to ask for the President to just make good on his promise to us to make good on his promise to his daughters?!

    You know what? I don't even need it to be a First Dog anymore. I'll take a First Cat. Or a First Ferret. Hell, I'll take a First Turtle. Anything!

    Anything that'll make us forget — for a few minutes — how pooooooor we are.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Puppies!, Sasha Obama
  • The Onion: 2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 in Allowance Money

    The tax problems of yet another member of President Obama's close circle seem to have come to light

    Sasha, who has been under fire from congressional leaders since her 2008 tax records were made public earlier this month, arrived at the Capitol to address accusations that she received dozens of federal dollars for completing the most basic of household chores.

    "Ms. Obama, I've examined your records and what I've found sickens me," said ranking committee member Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA), addressing the 7-year-old as she shifted nervously in her chair. "How could you, during this time of economic turmoil—during this time of economic despair—accept nearly 50 cents for making your bed?" Added Grassley, "Have you no shame at all?"…

    Still reeling from the controversy of having three of his Cabinet nominees investigated for owing back taxes, President Barack Obama attempted to distance himself from this latest situation. "I'm sorry, but I barely know this woman," Obama said during his testimony before the committee. "Apart from a few conversations we've had in the past eight years, I'd say she's a complete stranger."

    From what I understand, the two had very few meaningful conversations for the first couple years of their acquaintanceship. But I think the last few years have been an entirely different matter.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Chuck Grassley, Economy, House of Representatives, Sasha Obama, Senate, Taxes, The Onion
  • Obama Dog? Obama Dog!

    dogAccording to Michelle Obama, the long wait may soon be over and America may, once again, have what it so desperately craves: a First Dog

    And what kind of dog will soon be frolicking on the South Lawn? Mrs. Obama says she thinks she is going to look for a rescue Portuguese Water dog who is "old enough" and a "match" for the family dynamic.

    "Temperamentally they're supposed to be pretty good," she says of the breed that Sen. Ted Kennedy has also lobbied for (he has two Water dogs of his own). "From the size perspective, they're sort of middle of the road – it's not small, but it's not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that's where we're leaning."

    Figures. I suppose it was out of the question for the Obamas to get an American Water dog. But, all things considered, I guess we should just be happy that it won't be an Indonesian Water dog or an Islamic Jihadist Water dog.

    "Oh, the names are really bad. I don't even want to mention it, because there are names floating around and they're bad," Mrs. Obama says with a laugh. "You listen and you go – like, I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another one of them. Moose. I said, well, what if the dog isn't a moose? Moose. I'm like, no, come on, let's work with the names a little bit."

    Yeah, whatever you do, don't go with anything vaguely American-sounding like Frank. That would just be ridiculous. Better to go with something a more exotic name. Like Mohammed.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Puppies!, Sasha Obama, White House