Wisconsin Senate Adopts Bill Promoting Abstinence Education, Kinkier Sex

On Wednesday, lawmakers in Wisconsin scrambled to pass a series of bills as part of a special "jobs session" called by Governor Scott Walker. Apparently, legislators were faced with one key jobs-related problem: how to ensure there are enough unplanned pregnancies today to produce the workers who will staff the crappy service jobs of the future?

Schools that teach sexual education would have to promote marriage and tell students abstinence is the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy, under a bill the Senate passed Wednesday.

The Republican-backed measure passed on a party-line 17-15 vote and now goes to the Republican-run Assembly. It would allow schools to teach abstinence-only courses, which has been banned in Wisconsin since last year under a law Democrats passed when they controlled state government.

The measure was adopted in response to the Healthy Youth Act, which mandated "comprehensive sex education" and, Democrats claimed, was responsible for dropping Milwaukee’s teen birthrate drop from 46.73 births per 1,000 teens in 2008 to 35.68 births per 1,000 teens in 2010. Of course, actual abstinence is the most effective way to prevent pregnancy and STDs, but abstinence education, according to one peer-reviewed study published in the porno mag known as the Journal of Adolescent Health…

…abstinence-only programs had no significant effect in delaying the initiation of sexual activity or in reducing the risk for teen pregnancy and STD…[comprehensive programs] were significantly associated with reduced risk of teen pregnancy, whether compared with no sex education or with abstinence-only sex education.

There's one silver/Chlamydia-encrusted lining here. According to another study of "virginity pledges" (I think I took mine by accident when I joined the debate team…), which are often used as part of abstinence-education programs, "pledgers" substitute oral and anal sex for vaginal intercourse. So congratulations to the Wisconsin GOP for creating a generation of wholesome Midwestern youngsters with a penchant for bareback sodomy. I salute you.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Abstinence, Education, Scott Walker, Sex, State Legislature, Wisconsin

Koch Brothers (and to a Lesser Extent Republicans) Win Wisconsin Recall Elections

Congratulations, oligarchic America! You finally won one!

For a little while there, it seemed as though our nation's millionaires, billionaires, corporations and conglomerates would once against perish beneath the oppressive boot heel of America's middle class working people. That they would be robbed of their fundamental rights as amoral overlords of civilization to soak up every last dime of wealth in the common economy. But not this time, my friends!

With a lot of hard work, a handful of dummy candidates, a couple misleading flyers, and millions upon millions of dollars of financial support from across the country, our financial betters — along with Scott Walker and the national GOP — were able to achieve the impossible!

Democrats won two state Senate seats in Tuesday's historic recall elections, but failed to capture a third seat that would have given them control of the chamber.

By keeping a majority in the Senate, Republicans retained their monopoly on state government because they also hold the Assembly and governor's office. Tuesday's elections narrowed their majority – at least for now – from 19-14 to a razor-thin 17-16…

"I think it's a huge victory for us," said John Hogan, director of the Committee to Elect a Republican Senate. "Voters gave us a mandate last fall… They backed us up again (Tuesday). Voters told us loud and clear, 'Stay the course. Things are working.'"

They did it! They really did it! They have the all-clear signal to continue destroying the foundations of workers' rights. Hurrah! Hurrah!

Oh my God, I hope they get James Franco to play Scott Walker in the inevitable made-for-TV movie of this inspiring underdog victory!

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Charles Koch, Corporations, David Koch, Republicans, Scott Walker, State Legislature, Unions, Wisconsin

From the Pork Barrel: John Kerry Knows a Thing or Two About the Media Ignoring People

* John Kerry urges media to stop paying attention to somebody or other. (Jugglers, maybe? I don't know. I started zoning out about a third-way through his statement.)

* Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum sign contract to continue hating gay people through 2012.

* Following Tuesday's recall elections, Gov. Scott Walker promises to respect the decisions made by Koch Brother shadow organizations on behalf of the voters of Wisconsin.

* Eric Cantor promises something even better than extended benefits for jobless Americans. No extended benefits.

* "My rent is too damn low." – Rent Is Too Damn High Guy _{(Directed by M. Night Shyamalan)}

Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Charles Koch, David Koch, Eric Cantor, House of Representatives, Jimmy McMillan, John Kerry, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, National Organization for Marriage, New York City, Pork Barrel, Rick Santorum, Scott Walker, Senate, State Legislature, Tea Party, Unemployment, Wisconsin

Stephen Colbert on Wisconsin's Senator Recall Election

It's really hard to overstate how important it is for Wisconsin residents to vote in Tuesday's state senate recall elections. Nothing less than the very core of what it means to be a working-class Wisconsinite is on the line here. So, every registered Wisconsin voter who can possibly make it out to the polls has to do everything within his or her power to get out there and vote. For the good of the great state of Wisconsin.

Remember, it's this upcoming Tuesday, August 9th, and the polling stations are just across the border in Minnesota…

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Tags: Americans for Prosperity, Charles Koch, David Koch, Scott Walker, State Legislature, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video, Wisconsin

Wisconsin Anti-Labor Law Struck Down in State Court, Crushing Blow to Legislative Procedural Anomoly Something or Other

Yay! Yaaaaaayyy!!! Remember that anti-labor bill that the Koch Brothers (via Gov. Walker and state congressional Republicans) pushed through the state legislature despite practically everybody ( except the Koch Brothers, Gov. Walker and state congressional Republicans) hating it a few months back?

Well, it was just struck down in state court, which means that Wisconsin state workers will no longer have to fear their rights being taken away from them (for at least a few weeks or so)…

Dane County (Madison) Judge Maryann Sumi — who had previously blocked Wisconsin's controversial anti-union law from taking effect, pending litigation — has now formally ruled that the manner in which the bill was passed violated the state's Open Meetings law, and that the law itself is therefore not valid…

The matter revolves around a key conference committee used to advance the bill — and to get around the state Senate Dems' walkout from the state — and whether it violated the state's Open-Meetings law by failing to give proper 24-hours notice. Therefore, it is ruling on procedural grounds, rather than on the substance of the bill itself.

Thus, Republicans have always had an option if they wished to avoid this litigation: Pass the bill again, giving full notice of all relevant hearings and legislative procedures. They have resisted that avenue, believing that to do so would be an admission of guilt on the Open Meetings law when they really concede no such thing. But in recent weeks, they have begun to talk up this very possibility as court action dragged on.

So, there you have it. Justice wins out for once. Or, for a little while, at any rate. Until they pass it again.

Power to the people (for now)!

Photo by Ann Hermes/The Christian Science Monitor/Getty Images

Tags: Charles Koch, David Koch, Judiciary, Republicans, Scott Walker, State Legislature, Unions, Wisconsin, Work/office