Ron "Bulldog" Paul: Secret Service Is for Lazy Welfare Queens

Say what you will about Ron Paul, but at least he's consistent. From Medicare and Social Security to disaster relief, Paul staunchly opposes all handouts from the federal government.

Even when they go to presidential candidates like himself…

Ron Paul said Tuesday he doesn't want any Secret Service protection because it's "a form a welfare."

"It's a form of welfare," the presidential candidate told comedian Jay Leno Tuesday. "You know, you're having the taxpayers pay to take care of somebody and I'm an ordinary citizen and I would think I should pay for my own protection and it costs, I think, more than $50,000 a day to protect those individuals. It's a lot of money."

But… that doesn't mean Paul doesn't have a Secret Service code name picked out for himself. "Bulldog," the Texas congressman promptly answered when Leno asked what top-secret moniker he would want.

Unlike those dandies Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, Ron Paul fights off potential assassins the same way he delivers babies — with his bare hands.

America really has gone soft. Back in Paul's day, no politician relied on handouts from Uncle Sam to ensure his own personal safety. They just did what any responsible small-government Republican would do and let the invisible hand of the free market put their enemies in a chokehold.

Photo by Emmanuel Dunand/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Libertarian, Police, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul, Secret Service, Welfare

Our Endorsements: Rick Santorum Knows a Few Asian Guys

* Bad Lip Reading finally adds Rick Santorum to its pantheon.

* Via Buzzfeed, Twitter suggestions for Romney's Secret Service nickname.

* Funny or Die makes Gingrich's moon plans seem almost, well, sweet.

* In Florida, Romney also outspent Gingrich on gettin' crunk till the break of dawn.

* "Eye of the Tiger" is out for Newt, but here are some other options, from HuffPo Comedy.

* President Obama's Google+ Hangout sesh gets a surprise guest, from Conan O'Brien.

Tags: Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Daily Links, Florida, Funny or Die, Google, Huffington Post, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Rick Santorum, Secret Service, The Onion, Twitter

Secret Service to Protect Americans from Herman Cain Campaign

Between the sleeper cell network known as "Bravo" and alleged would-be assassins deluded enough to believe Jesus Christ would return to Earth as a dirtbag from Idaho, the Secret Service has its hands full. Now comes a new responsibility for the agency, as it embarks on its first ever protective detail of a nationwide book tour…

Presidential candidate Herman Cain will receive protection from the United States Secret Service, the agency confirms to CNN.

Cain will be the first candidate in the race for the Republican presidential nomination in the 2012 election cycle to be placed under the protection of this federal law enforcement agency.

It is not yet clear why Cain is getting Secret Service protection.

A spokesman for the Secret Service refused to say whether there were specific threats against Cain, but a series of incidents at recent campaign events may be responsible for the increased security. On Tuesday, a bodyguard for the Cain campaign shoved a Washington Post reporter covering the candidate in Iowa. On Wednesday, the campaign was forced to apologize after a Florida police officer, claiming to provide security for the campaign, served and protected another journalist straight into the ground…

As the journalists trailed Cain, the officer, who was in plain clothes, blindsided National Journal/CBS News reporter Lindsey Boerma into the side of the campaign bus. Moments later, as journalists circled around the bus toward Cain, the same man stuck his arm out and clotheslined Boerma.

Perhaps none of this would have happened if only Cain had kept the likes of Kristian Herzog, convicted felon and petty thug, as part of his entourage. As it stands, the feds had to take action, and though reporters and ordinary voters may never be safe from the Herminator's pizza, we may finally be safe from his campaign.

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Herman Cain, Primaries, Secret Service, Washington Post

Colbert Interviews DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano was Stephen's guest on The Colbert Report last night and it was an interesting interview, though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that he didn't ask her about her ice cream. The American people deserve to know if she plans to add a long-rumored fourth flavor!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Secret Service, Stephen Colbert, Swine Flu, Terrorism, The Colbert Report, Video

Evan Bayh, Party Crashers May Not Be Invited to the White House Again

Hey patriots, how was your Thanksgiving? Did anything catch on fire? Did your relatives spend the entire meal yelling about Sarah Palin and/or ACORN?

Did any D-list socialites crash your dinner, prompting a Secret Service inquiry and consternation on the part of Evan Bayh?

Bayh, D-Ind., compared the [White House state dinner] crashing of Michaele and Tareq Salahi to would-be bomber Richard Reid, whose attempt to blow up an airplane by lighting explosives in his shoes led to travelers having to remove their footwear at security checks in U.S. airports.

"These folks could be like the — what is the name, Richard Reid, who changed the way everybody travels through the airports because of this one guy. This couple may change the way people go to the White House," said Bayh, who is scheduled to go to the White House on Wednesday.

"I'm kind of wondering what I'm going to be facing to get into the White House this time. It's probably going to be a lot stricter than it has been," he told "Fox News Sunday."

Yes, Evan, but maybe that's because you went on national TV to draw a just-waiting-to-be-misconstrued parallel between a pair of party crashers and a notorious domestic terrorist, which will trigger a talk show chorus of "Barack Obama's administration would gladly invite Richard Reid over for a barbecue" in about as much time as it took me to eat the last piece of pumpkin pie.

Tags: Barack Obama, Evan Bayh, Richard Reid, Secret Service, Terrorism, White House