After more than three decades in the Senate, Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) announced that he will not seek re-election in 2014, leaving behind two important vacancies: the chairmanship of the Senate Armed Services Committee and the title of America's Most Disheveled Statesman.
Let's meet the nominees for the latter job:
In the far left corner, our first nominee: Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), the sincerely frazzled socialist who would be attracting stares in your local public park as he railed against Wall Street cronyism, if he hadn't been elected to the Senate… where he rails against Wall Street cronyism.
And in the other left corner we have Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), the wrinkliest populist the Midwest has to offer.
Ugh, this is impossible. We need a tie-breaker. Is there a photo that shows one of these gents in something other than his everyday garb?
Winner! Congratulations, Sen. Brown. May you
stand tallslump awkwardly as America's next Rumpliest Senator.
Photos by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images, Ibid., Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images, and Douglas Graham/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images, respectively
Tags: Bernie Sanders, Carl Levin, Senate, Sherrod Brown
Speaking on the Senate floor for 12 hours and 52 minutes is an impressive accomplishment for both Sen. Rand Paul's (R-KY) mouth and his bladder.
It's even more impressive when you consider all the things he could have been doing instead:
Tags: Civil Rights, Drones, Filibuster, Rand Paul, Senate
As the founder of a microbrewery, Gov. John Hickenlooper (D-CO) is among our nation's top experts on quirky libations. Which is why it wasn't surprising to find him telling a U.S. Senate committee that he drank a glass of fracking fluid produced by Halliburton:
"You can drink it. We did drink it around the table, almost ritual-like in a funny way," he told the Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources. "It was a demonstration…they've invested millions of dollars in what is a benign fluid in every sense."
Move over bacon-infused bourbon! Some elements of the fluid remain secret, but with the help of Halliburton's public disclosures, you can recreate The Hickenlooper for whomever you're fracking this Valentine's Day:
Tags: Colorado, Energy & Oil, Environment, Food, John Hickenlooper, Senate
Last night, the Senate overwhelmingly voted to consider reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. Overwhelmingly, but not unanimously. Eight Senators–all dudes–voted against reauthorization, having forgotten that the people most likely to suffer from domestic abuse or sexual violence also vote. Why, according to "numbers," they even make up a majority of the American electorate.
Who are these dudes?
Tags: Crime, Men and Women, Republicans, Senate, Women's Rights